Thinking Of You
by xXxBlackwaterQueenxXx
Summary: "You left, and it killed me. Sasha, she's the only reason I've been able to keep going." The last seven years have been the toughest of my life. But I'm not about to give up now. Even if you never come back to me. Post-BD/No Nessie Imprint.
1. Prologue

**Okay, so...I can explain :L I really, **_**really **_**need to update the 33rd Chapter of Sweet Escape, but (as always) things have been soooo crazy. And then I lost my inspiration, and I came down with the Flu recently which means I've spent the last week or so feeling baaaad (and Tuesday was my 16th, people :L !) and being off school. I'm actually a couple thousand words into Chapter 33 at the moment, but there's a lot more to write for it so I'm going to keep going with it and hope I can finish it asap for you guys :)**

**Anywho, as I was trying to sleep off the Flu that's been attacking me and my best friends (no kidding, it's taking us out one by one O.o) I came up with a totally random idea for a short, twenty-or-so chapter Blackwater fic :) I'm gonna be attempting alternate updates (eep) soooo...yeah. Hope you enjoy this short little prologue, I'm working on Chapter 1 as well as everything else.**

**Em xx**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)****

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I know you told me not to write. Not to call, email, text or come after you, but especially not to write. I know I promised myself I would do as you asked and give you time. But Edward finally told me where you were, today, and I had to do something. Some promises are always meant to be broken, and...I'm not sure how much more time you need.

I'm not coming after you. I'm not going to contact you in any way after I send this letter. But you've been away so long, and you've missed so much, that this was really inevitable.

Everyone sends their love – rest assured, only Edward and I know where you are, nobody else. But you've been missed so much by...well, all of us.

Everyone's great. I, uh...put some photos in here, too, so...it says on the back who or what they're of. Paul and Rachel got married a couple of summers ago. You'd like Paul, now, he's so different. Their boy, Jamie, turned five the other day. Looks just like his father, in a good way. Jared and Kim are married now, too. They've got two kids, twins, a girl and a boy – Katie and Rory – who just turned four, and Kim's getting on for eight months with their third.

Everybody's so excited, you wouldn't believe it. Colin and Brady are off at College now, they're doing well. Sam and Em haven't had any more kids. They say they're happy with Max – he looks just like his Dad, too – but who knows? Believe it or not, Quil's actually talking about settling down. His girlfriend, Kelly, she's really turned him around. You'd like her. She's not afraid to speak her mind, either. Embry normally drops round every Saturday to say hi. He'd be here today but he's in Costa Rica (his honeymoon. His wife, Anna, is really sweet).

Seth's doing fine. He's at University, but he's home on a visit at the moment. He's working towards being a Doctor – he's always wanted to help people, remember? Carlisle pulled a few strings and got him into this really cool medical school in the next state over. I reckon he'll be great at it. Sue's as good as ever, still with Charlie. She's been a life saver these past few years. Really, she has.

Me? I'm fine. I'm not going to lie, it's been hard, but we've gotten by. I...God, I don't even know how to start. It's been so long. When you left...you left, and it killed me. Sasha, she's the only reason I've been able to keep going. You should see her. You really should. She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Apart from you.

I hope you don't mind that I named her that...it's just, you left before we could decide and...when I figured you weren't really just going to come back after the 'few days' it would take to find yourself, I had to name her. I couldn't just...not. Sasha's always struck me as a kind of feisty name, and if she's anything like you when she grows up it'll suit her even more than it does now.

I think she will be. Like you, I mean. She's even a bit more on the boyish side, dress-wise, although she likes her jewellery. Especially necklaces. She keeps your ring on a little silver chain around her neck, never takes it off.

She looks just like you did at her age, although my Dad and your Mom swear there's a bit of me there as well. I put a photo in. Sasha's so smart, as well. Her teacher says she's top of her class – gets all her work done and does it well, is always polite and puts her hand up. Half the time she's the one helping me out with that kind of stuff. You'd be so proud of her. Everyone dotes on her – including the Cullens, and especially her Aunts and Uncles, and her Grandparents. Renesmee's stopped growing now, and is like an older sister to her.

She asks about you, sometimes. Like the other day. She was helping me with dinner and, out of the blue, asked if you'd ever helped me cook. Took me by surprise a bit, to be honest, but I managed to explain that normally it had been me helping you.

I'm not really sure what else to say. I could go on for hours – or rather, pages – but there'd be no point in it. I'm not even sure if you'll ever really read this, but I hope you do. I'd better go. Sasha's at the Cullens' for dinner; I told Edward I might write something that he could send to you, although he wasn't too happy about it until I explained that I wasn't going to do anything else, out of Sasha's best interests. Anyway, Esme overheard and was only too happy to let her stay. They adore her over there, especially Rosalie and her Uncle Emmett.

There's so much more I want to say, but I know it's not going to make any difference. I just hope you're healthy and happy, and I'm sorry if that sounds bitter because I'm not trying to sound that way. I mean it. I hope you're doing great, and are happy.

But...seven years is a long time. I'll keep waiting, if that's what you want, but it's not easy without you. I miss you, and I know that, despite not having met you, Sasha does too. We both love you, still. Remember that, yeah?

Thinking of you, always, Leah.

Love, Jake.

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**Like? Love? Hate? Let me know in a review! Reviews equal faster updates, and I could really use some inspiration right now :L xx**


	2. Chapter 1

**So..my aim for today is to update the next chapter of all my multi-chap fics :L Darn it, I'm gonna try! So here is the first chapter of Thinking Of You :] Thanks to everyone who reviewed, all your reviews were lovely! :D We find out more about what actually happened in this chapter - but if you've got a theory on the details, let me know in your reviews :P I love to hear your opinons! ^^**

**Hope you enjoy :]**

**Em xx**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight ;] But I own all the characters you don't recognise from the books, such as Catherine, William, Sasha...the wives & kids you don't recognise...etc. :L**

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**JPOV**

Edward assured me I'd done the right thing in writing to her. As much as I wanted to believe him, I couldn't. What if my sudden intrusion unsettled her enough to make her stay away even longer? What if it made her realise that she didn't want to come back? What if she knew that already? The much, much older vampire told me that there was no point in worrying myself over it. I would only be stressing myself out and making things harder, and that was never something I needed. My rational side agreed with him on that, at least.

There was nothing I could do, so I just had to carry on. Besides, it had been a couple of days since I'd sent the letter. The mail was usually pretty fast this time of year, but even if she hadn't gotten it yet, I wouldn't hear anything back anyway. I'd said I'd keep waiting for her: she had no reason to contact me until she was ready. But...what if she _did _come back? I was assaulted by a confusing and varied tangle of raw emotions at just the thought. If she came back, what would I do? Would I be able to forgive her? Would she – _BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!_

A sudden, shrill beeping cut into my thoughts and brought me back to Earth. With a sigh I reached out and stopped the alarm going off on my phone, and immediately the kitchen was silent and the little circular, wooden table stopped vibrating. Normally my timing was perfect – an old habit from the wolf days – but since the letter I'd developed a tendency to completely zone out, and I didn't want to be late for anything. The alarm was my sign to go pick Sasha up from school. So I did what I had to do. I shoved my phone into my pocket, got up from the table and attempted to push all thoughts of the letter to the back of my mind as I got in the car and pulled out of the driveway.

I liked to think that, hopefully, I wasn't too bad at the whole 'parent' thing. Considering what had happened, it made me feel a little bit better to think that maybe I was doing alright.

It hadn't been a surprise to anyone when, just after my 18th, Leah and I ended up telling each other how we felt. She was a different person, healed and happy now that everything with the split packs and the Volturi and Nessie was over. I'd always been mature for my age and Leah had meant a lot to me for some time, but it wasn't until then that I accidentally let it slip and found out she felt the same. Everything was great – everyone was happy and content and peaceful, and things had never been better. We were young, and in love, and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

When we found out she was pregnant we were beyond surprised. It wasn't planned and it wasn't expected, but I loved our little girl from the second I looked at the test results on a terrified Leah's behalf. We'd only been together for six months, but that didn't matter to me. I'd thought that Leah would either be upset, hurt me or worse, but instead (after she'd stared at the pregnancy test for two whole minutes in complete, shocked silence) she was ecstatic. We must have just held each other and cried for at least half an hour.

A baby was something she'd always wanted and had never thought she'd have; so while we hadn't been safe because a) we thought she was infertile, and b) because she'd only slept with Sam and Leah was my first and only, she didn't kill me for it. Which, it had occurred to me a while later, would have been kinda unfair because it had been her idea in the first place.

It wasn't easy. I was fresh out of high school; we had no place of our own and only Leah's savings to help us get by. But I moved into the Clearwaters' and started looking for a job, although I got turned down every time. The Cullens insisted on pitching in. So, to an extent, we let them. We weren't amazing, but we were doing alright.

That didn't stop people talking. I was legal so Leah couldn't get into trouble, but it was still a big scandal. All the kids I'd gone to school with whispered about how I would leave Lee and have no part of "the kid"'s life, that I was a player and had no idea of responsibility. Those I was closer to knew better, but the majority gossiped. They didn't know me, and it didn't matter that I was staying. I would have stayed even if she didn't want me to. We were the biggest thing since Sam leaving Leah, but we did our best to ignore it. We already knew that people could be extremely fickle.

Leah couldn't phase because of the baby so I had no Beta, and I knew I wouldn't have the time to be Alpha once the baby was born, so I renounced my title. Seth and I willingly went back to Sam's pack, with whom we were on good terms again. Emily had just had Max, too, and Sam knew I would be feeling the pressure – he allowed me to stay out of patrolling and I used the time to keep job-hunting.

Towards the last few months Leah's hormones really took a toll on her, and she was down a lot. She kept saying that if I wanted I could just leave. Walk away. She said she wouldn't blame me. So, to prove I wasn't going anywhere, I asked her to marry me. In a few years when we were older and more financially stable then we could actually get married, but I wanted to prove I was serious about this. About her.

And then the Big Day came. God, I had never been more scared in my life. I kept asking myself what I'd been on, thinking I was ready to be a Dad; I was totally and completely freaked out. It got to the point where Edward gave me a motivational speech before literally shoving me into the room where Carlisle was with Leah. It was the scariest thing that had ever happened to either of us, but it was worth it.

I knew I'd done the right thing as soon as Carlisle passed me my daughter wrapped in a neat, white blanket that Rosalie had knitted for her. Leah was exhausted and needed to rest, so after a few minutes where she got to hold the tiny bundle close and cry happily with me, we all vacated the room and left her to sleep.

Lord knows how long I sat in the living room with everyone (even Sue and my Dad had rushed to the Cullens' when they found out what was happening) and just watched Sasha sleeping. She didn't have a name at the time because Leah and I wanted to give her a name that seemed to suit her personality, so her family – the Cullens included – simply lovingly referred to her as "Baby". I practically died when she grabbed my finger with her tiny wrinkled hand and blinked her big, chocolatey eyes at me. One look, and we were all in love.

Sue was a happy wreck. Just kept crying about how she was finally a Nana and how Billy was a Grandpa, which set my Dad off, and then Em was still a bit out of balance hormone-wise and cried too. And then _I _cried because Sash was just so tiny and so perfect and I was a _Dad_, and I was so proud of both my girls that I cried more. Happy, ecstatic tears. If only it had stayed that way.

But now was not the time to be dwelling on the past, I reminded myself as I parked the car. For the last seven years I'd thought only of the present, and I wanted it to remain that way. The past was just too painful, so whatever happened there, stayed there.

Sasha's Elementary School was just off the Reservation, although quite a few of the kids there were from the Rez. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I picked her up from school, the same routine every week. I meandered over to the usual waiting spot, where the regular crowd of parents was standing and talking as usual. I spotted Catherine instantly, and smiled at her in greeting. "Hey, Cat," I said as I reached her, and pushed my hands into the pockets of my jeans.

"Alright, Jake?" Catherine Perry was a young, constantly-smiling and easy-going Mom, with a son in Sasha's class. Tall, blonde with a perfectly curvy hour-glass figure, Catherine had been my closest friend for the last few years.

When Sasha had started school most of my other friends were still at the age where they wanted to go out drinking and picking up girls; I couldn't do that, and part of me wasn't even sure if I wanted to. I was a Dad now, and while I sometimes wished I had the time to act my age and have the experiences my friends were having, I was all Sash had, and I owed it to her to look after her and spend time with her. I didn't want to be one of those Dads who jumped in and out of their children's lives and weren't really involved. I knew it would be a long time before Quil and Embry and the others even began to be interested in getting married or starting families of their own, so I resigned myself to seeing less and less of the Pack as time went by.

But then Sasha made friends with William just a few weeks into school, and just by chance I'd met the boy's mother while waiting to pick Sash up. I instantly took a shine to her. We could identify with each other easily, and I think that was probably why we just seemed to click: at 17 Catherine had fallen pregnant with William, and her boyfriend had walked just weeks later. Just left, and never come back. Our situations weren't exactly the same, but they were similar, and Cat knew how it felt to have to grow up before your time. There were no words for how much she'd helped me to cope as the years had gone by. And, I hoped, I'd helped her cope too.

"I'm okay," I answered, shrugging nonchalantly. "Been better. You?" She tucked a strand of her long, loosely curling blonde hair behind her ear and smiled warmly at me.

"I'm great," she replied, before raising an eyebrow questioningly. "What's the matter?" Then something seemed to suddenly dawn on her and her smile faded, eyes becoming anxious. "Did...did she reply?" Cat was the only other person who knew about the letter – whilst everyone else had asked I send Leah their love _if _wrote the letter, none of them knew that it had actually been written and mailed.

I shook my head feebly, suddenly feeling tired and worn-out. Talking to Catherine was the only time when I could share my worry and stress; the rest of the time I had to keep it bottled up and pretend I was okay, for Sasha's sake. "It's that she _didn't _reply," I explained wearily, running a hand through my hair and then shoving it back in my pocket. "I can't concentrate properly, can't focus. Can't sleep. I can't stop wondering if she's even got the letter yet, or if she even cares..." I sighed deeply, and tried not to look as nervous as I felt.

Catherine was looking at me with concerned sympathy on her face. She gave a small, quiet sigh of her own and placed one of her hands gently on my arm in comfort. "I'm sure she still cares, Jake," she said. "She does. Maybe she just hasn't got it yet. Or maybe she's just too scared...it's been so long, Jacob, there could be any number of reasonable explanations..." I nodded slowly in agreement, glad for her reassurance. Half of me still didn't quite believe her, but I tried to.

Before I could say anything more I was pulled out of my thoughts by the appearance of Sash and Will. "Mom! Mom!" shouted Will excitedly as he rushed up to us with Sasha in tow. "I got a B in that paper!"

"Well done, kiddo," Cat said, ruffling his hair. "I'm proud of you!"

"Hi, Dad," Sasha greeted me much more calmly. She smiled and, for a moment, she looked so much like her mother that I almost couldn't believe it. Sash had her mother's eyes, nose and general face shape. Her lips, russet skin tone and the exact, jet black shade of her hair were mine, but the slight curl in her hair was from her Mom's side of the family.

"Hey, Sash," I said, instantly feeling better. My daughter was my little spark of brightness; if she was happy, I was happy. Sash handed me her backpack and smoothed out her shirt before throwing her arms around me in a hug. She was much too small in comparison to really hug me properly, but it was the thought that counted. "Have a good day, honey?" I asked. I reached down and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, squeezing gently. Everything seemed so much easier when Sasha was around. She had a certain kind of glow about her; it was like she was quite literally a little ray of sunshine. She made whoever she was with happy, just by being there.

"Yeah, it was fun," she answered simply, letting go and smiling up at me again. "I got a B, too."

"That's great, Sash!" I said, grinning at her proudly. Damn, my little girl was a genius. Another thing she probably got from her mother.

"Sasha got the highest grade in the class, Jake!" William announced happily. "Almost got an A, didn't you Sash?" Sasha only shrugged, her cheeks darkening a little.

"You were pretty close too though, Will," she reminded him meekly. William waved it off and smiled at her.

"Doesn't matter, I'm proud of you," he said.

Catherine and I smiled at one another; Sasha and William were best friends, and, more often than not, their interactions were adorable to watch. "Right, Will," Cat began somewhat reluctantly. "We'd better get going."

"Yeah, Sash, let's get home," I agreed, and together we ushered the kids out of the gates and in the direction of our cars. William and Sasha immediately dashed off, leaving Cat and I to hang back a little.

"Have you told her?" Cat asked suddenly, quietly, as if she didn't want to be heard. I gave her a puzzled look, confusion obvious on my face. What the heck was she talking about? Cat rolled her bright, light blue eyes in exasperation. "Sasha, Jacob. Have you told her about the letter?" Realisation dawned, but a large part of me wished it hadn't. In all honesty, I had no idea what to tell Sasha and what I should keep quiet about. Sasha knew very little about her mother. She'd seen an old photo of Leah and I together, taken just a few months before she was born. She'd seen pictures that Emily and Sue and Rachel had provided, but had never met her Mom in reality. Not that she could remember, at least: Leah had left when Sash was just two weeks old. So long ago.

But our little girl had just accepted that Leah had had to leave, and had never asked why. "I don't know what to tell her, Cat," I answered honestly. "She's never even met her Mom. She only knows that she left, but doesn't know why. She's never asked...I don't want to give her false hope." Cat nodded understandingly, then smiled weakly at Will and Sasha messing around by the cars.

"Maybe you should just leave it out for a little while, then," she suggested. "If nothing happens, then she won't be disappointed." I gave a slight nod, suddenly feeling sick. If Leah got my letter, but didn't reply...if she didn't care, I...no, I couldn't think about that. It just hurt too much.

We reached our cars and Cat pulled out her keys, unlocking her car so William could get in. While Sasha and Will said their goodbyes, she pulled me in for a hug and lowered her voice. "If you ever need anything, just call, no matter the time," she said. "I don't mind taking care of both the kids or whatever you need, okay?" I nodded again, extremely grateful.

"Thanks, Cat," I replied. "You're a real life saver." Catherine pulled back, smiling.

"Anytime, Jake. See you tomorrow."

"See ya tomorrow, Cat."

As I watched Cat's car pull away, waving, I was so preoccupied with thinking about the conversation I'd just had with her that it was a few moments before I noticed the tugging on my jacket sleeve. Sasha was smiling at me, and trying to pull me closer to the car. "Come on, Dad," she said. "Nessie said she and Auntie Alice were going to drop by later today, remember?" I couldn't help but smile to myself. I hadn't remembered, but I was glad to be reminded of the close-knit and loving extended family that Sasha had. I fished my keys out of my pocket, still smiling, and unlocked the car.

"Come on then, Sash. Let's go home."

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**LPOV**

At first, I didn't recognise the handwriting on the envelope. It had been a long time since I'd had a handwritten letter. I sank wearily onto my bed and switched on the little light on the bedside table, kicking off my shoes; I would have to speak to James about changing my shifts around, or at least ask for a pay rise. I was so sick of serving coffee and cheap food that I knew I'd just quit out of sheer frustration if I didn't do something soon.

Carefully, I studied the writing under the warm, yellow light. It was a couple of minutes before I finally recognised the elegant, Victorian-style writing as Edward's. My burst of realisation was short-lived, however, and quickly replaced by confusion. It had been years since Edward had written to me. Why would he be writing to me now? I slowly opened the envelope, wary of what might be inside, and pulled out two sheets of folded paper. I was only more puzzled when I saw a phone number written neatly on the back of one of the sheets in more of Edward's fancy, flowing script. More than curious, now, I unfolded the sheets of paper.

It took a split second for me to realise that the letter was definitely not from Edward. Tears were already brimming in my eyes as I fought against the burning pain that had suddenly pierced my heart. I would recognise that writing anywhere. Speechless, the empty envelope slipped from my hand and drifted to the floor. My hand shook as I traced the heartbreakingly familiar, scruffy handwriting with my fingertips, willing the pain to go away. It only got worse.

_I know you told me not to write._

Oh, oh Lord, I remembered writing that all those years ago, in the semi-darkness of pre-dawn that had filled our bedroom. I could just imagine him speaking the words aloud, voice exactly as I remembered. I took a deep, shaky breath to try and calm myself, but it didn't work. I only hurt more and more as I read, and soon I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. In a way, I was glad that it hurt so badly. I deserved the pain. I deserved to hurt the way he had, or even more than that. He hadn't deserved what I'd done to him. What I'd done to _them_. Not a day had gone by since that I hadn't thought about what I'd done, and It killed me just to remember. Good. I deserved to suffer.

As soon as she was mentioned, I let out a sob and covered my mouth with my hand to try and stifle it. My little girl. Our baby.

_Love, Jake._

I clutched the letter to my chest and let the pain take over, sobbing noisily as the tears streamed and my makeup ran.

Oh, God, what had I done?

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**Drama much? Love it, like it, hate it? Let me know, guys :] I'm depending on you! :L Right, I'm off to finish my job for today and writing a bunch of other stuff! Toodles :] xxx**


	3. Chapter 2

**Phew, so, it's incredibly late and I haven't managed to check this through for mistakes yet, but I've finally finished this chapter and have been able to get it uploaded for you guys :D Sorry for the wait, I've been busy with school and was trying to write some whenever I could :] All your reviews were lovely, I'm so amazed by the response to this to be honest! I wasn't sure if many people would even like the idea :L**

**Btw! I have now created a Facebook fanpage where I'll be posting news on any new stories/ideas, update delays or update dates, or maybe even chapter previews (depending on how many people Like it) ahead of time :] Just search "Fanfiction Writer: xXxBlackwaterQueenxXx" and it should come up :] DrawnToTheNight came up with the idea, and it'll be much easier to let you guys know what's going on rather than just leaving you to wait for updates for eternity :L**

**Anyways, hope you enjoy this chapter!**

**Em xx**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but I own all the characters you don't recognise from the books ;] E.g: Kelly, Anna, Sasha, the kidss..blah...you get the picture :P!**

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****JPOV**

Over the following days, I let the letter go. Catherine was right – I had no way of knowing, so there was no point in worrying. I didn't really have time for worrying anymore. Since Leah left me my main priority in life had become to look after Sasha no matter the cost to myself. It was why I'd taken the job at the garage in Forks, and worked 9 to 2 on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, 8 to 5 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It meant that Cat had volunteered to take Sash to school and pick her up two days a week, but the pay was good and luckily my boss was understanding enough to give me the weekends off. I was very lucky, actually.

There were just four others at the garage, all great guys (and girl, in Jenny's case), and while I was one of the youngest (only Jen was younger, at 23) I was the only one with a child to take care of, and so the others didn't give me any trouble over being the only one to have Saturday and Sunday off. It wasn't exactly easy, but it was worth it. Me and Sash had our little house with the white picket fence – the Cullens bought it 'for my 21st' and paid the mortgage, but I insisted on paying all the bills – and we had each other. That was all that mattered. I had to concentrate on the important things.

Which was why I was sitting on one of the numerous white deck chairs that were scattered all round Sam and Emily's yard in little groups. Sasha and I lived further away from the rest of the Pack – well, family, really, after all these years – than anyone would have liked, so we saw a lot less of everyone in comparison to the years before, when I saw pretty much everybody on a daily basis.

So, whenever there was a party or a get-together, the two of us always turned up to catch up with everything that had been happening and see everyone for a change. Today we were round Sam and Emily's for a "family barbeque", which was code for "a chance for everyone in the Pack, plus their families, to turn up for free food." Even now, from where I was sitting with Jared, I could see Paul sneaking another hotdog while Rachel laughed. Sasha was off playing tag with all the other kids, and it made me smile to see her having fun.

I watched her giggling for maybe a second longer before I realised that Jared and I had lapsed into silence. "So, how's Kim been?" I asked curiously, half because I knew it was a sure-fire way to get the conversation going again, and half because I really was curious as to how she was. "Everything going okay?" Jared smiled, looking over to where Kim was sitting with Quil, Kelly, Emily and Claire's Mom. I tried to tell myself that the way he looked at her didn't make me hurt at all – I was used to seeing the way the guys looked at their Imprints; but in truth, it reminded me of the way I used to look at Leah, even though we hadn't Imprinted.

In the beginning...in the first few months that she was gone, I would lie awake at night in my small bed (I'd moved back home, with Sasha, for a few years. Seeing the empty space where Leah had slept, in our bed at the Clearwaters', had hurt too much) and wonder if she had left me for another man, if she had secretly Imprinted and fought it all the way through her pregnancy, until it had finally become too much.

But I'd had to believe that, if that was the case, she would have explained it in her note. That, if Leah really had intended on never coming back, I would have woken up to find Sasha gone too. It had killed me enough that she had left, but if she'd taken my baby girl with her I think I really would have gone to pieces. Sasha was all I had left of Leah, and the true, soul-deep happiness I'd once known.

Mentally, I shook myself. I was going back to the past again, and that was one place that it was never good to go. I resisted the urge to take a deep breath and sigh: this was routine now. I should be used to forcing myself not to remember everything on a daily basis. Nobody ever said it was going to be easy. As a distraction I looked over in Sasha's general direction again, wondering what she was up to now. She was still playing tag with the kids. As I watched Katie and Rory tried to hide behind her as Jamie chased them around, while Max and Claire were laughing from a feet away.

Seeing the way some of the guys looked at their Imprints was just something I would have to accept. I knew it would still hurt the next time I saw it, but that was nothing new. It was always what happened. But I had to accept that they had that, and I didn't. Leah was gone. And she wasn't coming back. It hurt unbearably to think it, but I forced myself to repeat it. _She isn't coming back_. Thankfully, Jared saved me from myself.

"Everything's been great," he said, eyes lighting up. "Kim's Mom reckons it'll be a girl, but me and Kim think it's a boy." The excitement on his face was painfully familiar: in the last month or so before Sasha was born I'd been so excited that I thought I would burst. I nodded and smiled, happy for him despite the memories the conversation was dragging up. If I was honest with myself, this happened most times I talked to people about their Imprints or their marriage or their families. It always reminded me of what I'd once had, of what I might have now, if things hadn't turned out the way they had.

"Well, you've got my number, so if it gets to all systems go and you need anything, just let me know man."

"Thanks Jake, I will."

Quil chose that moment to come over, flopping down into the empty plastic garden chair beside me. He tugged at the collar of his light blue polo shirt, looking up at the sky. "'S too hot today," he said. "Might as well still be a wolf, for crying out loud." Quil paused, gazing forlornly at the half-empty beer bottle he held in his hand. "Sometimes I miss those days."

"Don't we all," murmured Jared, and I smiled weakly in agreement. Hell, despite what lay in the past, even I missed those days.

"Anyways," Quil began, changing his tone and grinning. "Told Kelly I was coming over to see you guys. You two okay?"

"I'm fine," I answered honestly, shrugging and sipping my cola. "Seen better days, but I'm fine." I knew I should be happier. After all, the sun was shining brightly and there wasn't a cloud in the sky – it was the perfect summer afternoon. But the hole in my heart was always there. It was just something that I couldn't pretend didn't exist.

"I'm good," Jared replied.

"What about you?" I asked, hoping to change the subject so I wouldn't accidentally remember anything that hurt. "How's things with Kelly?" Quil took a swig of his beer, glanced over at his girlfriend and smiled.

"Great," he answered. "Things are great."

Kelly, Quil's girlfriend of just over two years, was the only girl I'd ever really seen him crazy over. She was sweet, and clever, and missed out on College after graduating from Forks High School to open her own florists. Before he met her, as far as anyone knew he was still planning to wait for Claire to grow up like we'd all expected. Turned out that he'd actually been thinking about that a lot for a good year or so before meeting Kelly, and he'd decided that he wasn't going to wait. It was just too weird – he could never imagine having a romantic relationship with her, so he'd rather just be her big brother.

Kelly wasn't his Imprint, but there was no doubting that she meant everything to him; anyone who could make Quil Ateara want to commit had to be special. She knew about the Pack, Claire, everything he was and had been, had done, and she accepted him for it. Whatever she'd done to him to turn him into a romantic and a family man, it was weird enough to make him start talking about maybe buying a ring.

Jared left a few moments later when Kim waved him over. That left just me and Quil, and when Jared was out of earshot Quil spoke again. "You sure you're fine, Jake?" he asked quietly. "Coz if something's up...you know you can tell me, right?"

"I know, Quil," I replied with a sigh, and watched the light reflect off my glass as I twirled it in my hands. "I just...keep thinking about...her." Admitting it was like having a small weight lifted from my shoulders. As reluctant as I was to admit my feelings and put a downer on everyone else's happiness, it felt good to tell someone, anyone, that I still thought of her. Still missed her. Still needed her.

Quil nodded understandingly, looking over at the kids as someone let out a particularly loud giggle of laughter. I was glad he didn't give me one of the sympathetic looks that I'd become so used to. Quil, of all people, understood. Understood better than most what I'd been through. When I'd found the note, he'd been the first person I'd called – I'd wanted to phase and run over the whole Reservation until I found her, run the length of the country if I had to, still too shocked and scared to believe that she was really gone. I'd called Quil and he'd gone all over the Rez and miles around, but her scent was already too faded. He'd read the letter and he'd witnessed the state I'd been in those first few hours.

"Sasha's growing up so fast," he commented, taking another swig of his beer. "God, I feel so old – I can remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. I didn't know babies could be so...tiny?"

"I know," I agreed, and I couldn't help but smile. I knew, then, that he had brought Sasha up on purpose. My daughter was my world, and the one thing I could count on to brighten up my day. "Best day of my life," I continued. "God knows what I'd do without her, Quil; sometimes it seems like she's the one looking after _me_." Quil chuckled, and for the first time all day, I laughed too.

"You're a brilliant Dad, Jake, don't ever doubt that." He sighed, a faint smile still lighting up his features. "I gotta bounce, I think Kelly's calling me over." Quil stood, dropping his empty beer bottle into the black bag set aside nearby for trash and shoving his hands into his pockets. "It'll turn out alright in the end," he said. "You deserve your happy ending more than anybody else here, Jake. You'll get it eventually, whether it's something you've never expected or something you hoped for." He went to walk away, but then paused. "If you ever need anything, you know where I am, 'kay?"

"Thanks Quil," I said with a small smile. "Means a lot."

XXXXXXXXXX

I thought about that for a long time after the barbeque came to an end later that afternoon. Was he right when he said I'd get my happy ending? Whatever it was, I was willing to bet on it not being the thing I wanted most.

But soon it was Sasha's bedtime, and I knew I couldn't allow myself to dwell on it any longer. If I did I wouldn't sleep, and that was never any good. Tomorrow was Sunday – over a week since I'd sent the letter, with no reply since. I had to put the whole thing behind me and just keep going. It was the only way I was going to cope. Sash was ready for bed at eight without so much as a hint from me.

With a little yawn she crawled under the covers and rubbed her eyes sleepily as I pulled her curtains shut and turned off the main bedroom light, sighing tiredly. I sat down on the edge of her bed smiled at her, the usual surge of gratitude that I had her in my life making it easier to forget all the stresses and worries of the past week. "Somebody's tired," I chuckled when she yawned again, before smiling at me and shaking her head.

"No, I'm not that tired," she insisted, although she plainly was. I rolled my eyes and simply grinned at her. She was just like her mother. "Well...maybe a little."

"Come on Baby, let's get you to bed. Tomorrow's Sunday anyway, so you can sleep late and do whatever you want, 'kay?"

Sasha nodded and picked up her brush, running it through her long, slightly curly black hair like I'd taught her to. When she was done she set the brush down on her bedside table again and leaned forward, sitting up on her knees so she could put her arms around her neck and hug me tightly. It was moments like this that I treasured most; the little things, simple things. "Daddy?" Sash mumbled in my ear, and I could practically hear the curiosity in her voice.

"Yeah, Sash?" She'd always been an inquisitive child.

"At Uncle Sam's and Auntie Emily's today, why did you look so sad?" And a very observant one too, it seemed.

"What made you think I was sad, sweetie?" I asked, trying to think of an answer. That was the thing about Sasha – she was always full of surprises. I felt rather than saw her shrug.

"You just looked sad. I thought it might be because you missed Mommy." I sighed, giving her a squeeze. I didn't know what else to do other than just be honest.

"Yeah," I admitted quietly. "I just missed Mommy is all, Baby, I'm okay now. I feel much better."

"Good...'coz I don't like it when you're sad." Sasha pulled back and smiled at me, chocolatey eyes twinkling. I chuckled before I could help myself.

"Me either, Sash, me either." Sasha laughed too before she pecked my cheek and settled back into bed, yawning once more. I made sure everything was sorted and then planted a kiss on her forehead, turning off her little beside light. She'd always had a fascination with the night sky, so the ceiling above her bed was covered in lots of tiny, golden, glow-in-the-dark stars.

"'Night, Sash," I said softly.

"'Night," Sasha mumbled in reply as I walked back over to the door, feeling all of a sudden very tired myself. I was about to close the door when I heard her speak again. A sleep-muffled "Love you, Daddy," reached my ears and made my heart warm, the way only my daughter could.

"I love you too, Baby," I replied in a murmur, and closed the door quietly behind me.

Running a hand through my hair and stifling a yawn, I made my way downstairs with the intention of shutting everything off, locking up and going to bed extremely early. But no sooner had I gotten to the bottom of the stairs than the phone began to ring, and I cursed under my breath. It wasn't exactly a late hour, but I really didn't want Sasha to wake up. I grabbed the phone from its cradle on the wall, wondering who it was.

Surely Kim hadn't gone into labour? Not this early? She wasn't due for at least another month – unless it was Dad or Rachel, who needed something? "Hello?" I asked, curious as to who would be calling at this time and why. Silence. "Uh...hello?" For a second I thought I heard a sniff or two on the other end, and that just confused me even more.

"Jacob?" I almost dropped the phone. No, this...it...no, this was a cruel joke. A really, really cruel joke. Or a dream. Or a nightmare. Or maybe I was so tired that I was just mishearing things – "Jacob?" My heart was aching painfully in my chest, beating far too fast, but still I couldn't believe it. It couldn't...it just couldn't be...

"L-Leah?" I stammered into the receiver, too speechless to get anything else out. I didn't even register that my hand was shaking, only that this just _couldn't be happening_...

But then the person on the other end let out something that was unmistakeably a sob, and I knew that there was no denying who it was.

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**Woo! Sorry about the cliffy there people! :L Guess you'll have to wait til next chapter to find out what happens :P Or just join the fanpage, then you'll know when next to expect the third Chap as well as get info/news about my other fics :L Lol, don't forget to review and let me know what you think! :] xx**


	4. Chapter 3

**Phew! I'm finally back with the next chapter :] Thanks for all the reviews for the last one - they were awesome! :D I've desperately been trying to get this done so I could upload it before I go out, and I haven't managed to check it through another time for errors. I'll apologise in advance for any mistakes and I promise I'll get them fixed as soon as I can :]**

**Anywho, I hope you enjoy this chapter :P Oh, and obviously I'm British (I'll probably say this every time I update :L ) so if I've made any mistakes about anything american, I'm sorry :]**

**Em xx**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :] But I own all the characters you don't recognise, 'coz...well, I made them up. :L**

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**JPOV**

I tried to keep my expression from clouding over as the kettle boiled. Through the kitchen window in front of me I could see Sasha and William messing around in the garden – it looked like she was trying to teach him how to do a cartwheel, but he didn't seem to be getting the hang of it very quickly. I didn't want to risk her glancing my way and seeing me looking troubled. It would only make her concerned, and right now I just didn't know the answers to the questions she would ask.

Once the kettle had finished boiling I quickly poured the hot water into the two coffee mugs set out on the counter, stirring, and then carried them back over to the kitchen table. "Thanks, Jake." Catherine threw me a soft smile as I passed her her coffee, and I tried to smile back. It wasn't easy and I knew Cat could see right through me, but I managed. Just. A few moments of silence passed, then Cat sighed and spoke. "So, she just...called?"

"Yeah," I confirmed, voice more quiet and uncertain than I would have liked. I cleared my throat before I continued. "I'd just put Sasha to bed when the phone rang. I thought it might be Jared, that maybe Kim had gone into labour early, because...well, it just seemed like the kind of thing that would have happened. Nobody ever calls that late." I paused while Catherine nodded, taking a sip of her coffee. "She didn't reply at first, so I wasn't sure who it was...but as soon as she spoke, I knew it was her."

"_J-Jake?" She was struggling to speak through her sobs. I couldn't speak at all. "It's me. I-I got your letter." I was jerked suddenly back to Earth, dragged out of the memories the sound of her voice brought. Somehow I found my voice. I pushed away all the urgent questions that were bombarding my brain, the desperate whys and panicked what ifs, and spoke._

"_You did?"_

"What did she want?" Cat asked slowly, choosing her words carefully. We both knew the true question behind the one she voiced: is she coming back to La Push?

"_I-I did." Leah stumbled over the words, sniffing. I could almost see her furiously wiping her tears away and cursing them as if she was right there with me. Then, "I'm so sorry." There it was; the one word I'd been wanting, waiting to hear for the last seven years. The one word that was supposed to make it all go away. I almost snorted at my own stupidity. When it came down to it, how could that small word, those three small words possibly be enough to fix this mess? The scars on my heart weren't the kind that healed instantly._

_They were the kind that, most likely, would always remain a part of me. "I'm so, so sorry," Leah repeated, and she began sobbing again. "So sorry, and I h-hope you n-never forg-give me, I don't d-deserve it, I..." My ex-fiancée trailed off, sniffing again and taking a deep breath._

"_What do you want from me, Leah?" I asked quietly, and I would have winced at how defeated and tired my voice sounded, if I hadn't really felt that way. I _was _tired. So tired of all the pain and the secrets, the lies. So tired of missing the woman who had destroyed me more than I had ever imagined possible._

"_To talk," Leah whispered back after a moment's hesitation. "Face to face."_

"She said she wanted to talk," I answered honestly, practically mumbling. "In person." Catherine wrapped her hands around her coffee mug, eyes downcast, looking thoughtful. I only stared at the contents of my own mug, not even that thirsty anymore. I was tempted to let it go cold, but I knew I desperately needed the pick-me-up. My plan of an early night had been cut short, Leah's call making sleep impossible. I'd gotten barely any rest all night, instead lying awake and running through the call countless times in my mind, wondering what it all meant.

"_I...I owe you an explanation. An apology...everything. I owe you everything after all this time." I remained silent while I thought that over. The implications...and what about Sasha? What would I tell her? Assuming that _I _could understand Leah's reasons for leaving, would our little girl? Leah took my silence for a rejection. "If that's too much, I understand," she murmured, and it sounded like she was managing to keep her tears under control." Of course...of course it's too much...I'm sorry, I – "_

"_No, it's okay." I hastened to correct her. As hurt and confused as I was, I didn't have it in me to let her slip away. Not again. Not if talking to her gave my daughter the chance to have a happy, whole family. Not if it gave me the chance to heal._

_The alternative possibility made it suddenly harder to breathe, but if I couldn't be healed, if it was too late for things to go back to the way they were – if Leah didn't want them to – then I at least deserved some closure. "What did...what were you thinking of?"_

"_I can be in La Push for next week?" she suggested. "Or, if that's too soon – it's up to you, I don't – "_

"_Next week's good."_

"So...what...what are you going to do?" Catherine looked up at me with concern in her eyes, watching as I sipped my coffee. I sighed heavily, and ran a hand through my hair.

"She'll be here on Tuesday."

"_Tuesday_?" Cat's eyebrows shot up. "Are you sure, Jake?"

"I'm sure. I know it's not going to be easy, but I...I need some closure, at the very least. After all this time, I need answers." It was a moment before Cat spoke again, during which she only looked at the contents of her mug, thinking. Then she sighed, and a small smile lit up her features as she looked up.

"Okay," she allowed. "But I can't promise I'll like her."

I grinned and chuckled, downing the rest of my coffee. "I only ask that you play nice," I said as I got up to deposit my empty mug in the sink. The atmosphere felt so much lighter, and after Cat's usual playful attitude had returned I found it a lot easier to smile. She shrugged, the teasing twinkle still in her eyes.

"I'll try my best," she agreed. "Though it won't be easy – I mean, to just let her come back in all her pretty, superiorly-beautiful ex-fiancée-ness and allow her to be in the same room as my best friend...but I guess a girl has to make sacrifices." I laughed, returning to my seat.

"You and Leah are so different, Cat, I could never think one of you any better than the other."

Cat rolled her eyes, smiling at me. "You're too sweet," she said. A few seconds passed, and her smile faded, some of her previous concern creeping back onto her face. "You're good-hearted, Jake," she continued slowly. "I know it's not really any of my business, but...promise me you'll be careful? Don't forget you can take as much time as you need. I'm not saying this because I don't want you to be happy, I'm saying it because I don't want you to get hurt again." I only smiled at her reassuringly; Catherine was, and always had been, the kind of girl who worried about others first and herself later. Her anxiety over my wellbeing was always endearing.

"I know, Cat," I said. "I'll...I'll be alright. Besides, whatever I do, I have to think of Sasha first."

Smiling, Cat took another sip of her coffee. I gave a little sigh, rubbing my forehead with my fingertips tiredly. "I just...worry, y'know? I couldn't sleep at all last night. I mean, is she going to stay? Will she want another chance? What if she's moved on? If she leaves the choice to me, what if I make the wrong decision?" I was so confused that I barely knew which way was up. Like I knew she would, Cat understood. She nodded, and then offered me another small smile.

"I know you, Jacob," she replied. "You'll make the right choice."

XXXXXXXXXX

Tuesday morning dawned bright, sunny, and incredibly daunting. As usual, I was up unnaturally early getting Sasha ready for school. I made her breakfast, but didn't eat anything myself – I felt sick with nerves, though I tried not to show it. Sasha had already proved to be an incredibly perceptive little girl, and I didn't want to make her worried. She was far too young to be worrying about her Dad, and I knew that she was selfless enough that she would. When she was occupied with her cereal and her box set of Scooby Doo (it had been mine as kid, and she'd loved it since she was old enough to crawl) I quietly slipped out into the hallway to the phone, and attempted to secure the day off.

"Jacob, c'mon – "

"I know, Mr Richards, I know it's really...uh...rude, I guess, for me to ask for the day off at such a short notice – "

"More like no notice."

"I know." I sighed into the receiver, and hoped that my voice was too low for Sasha to notice over the noise of her cartoons.

"You know vacation time isn't flexible, Jake, don't you?"

"I do, I do, but...listen, sir, how long have I worked for you?"

"...Getting on for seven years..." my employer answered with a sigh.

"And in all that time have I ever asked you for an extra day off? Have I ever been off sick?"

"I already give you weekends – that's more than the others get."

"Steve, I need today," I pleaded. "She called. She called, Steve, and she's coming back _today_. Just one day. That's all I ask." I knew Steve would understand about Leah coming back, and how important it was to both me and Sasha; but him actually giving me the day off? That was another matter completely. Leah leaving me had been the main reason he'd given me the job in the first place. Word spread quickly in the Reservation whenever there was a scandal, and Steve Richards had heard some rumours from a friend in La Push. When I'd gone for an interview for the position he'd overlooked the fact that I didn't have any official qualifications and offered the job to me.

That's what it was like, in the beginning. Like being famous, but with only the negatives. Everyone seemed to know exactly what had happened, and that led to a widespread pandemic of The Pity Vote. In a matter of days I went from being the irresponsible, womanizing teenager to the devoted, heartbroken father, 'who everyone could learn a great deal from'. But that was in the past, I reminded myself, and I didn't go back there unless it was absolutely nessecary. I had my family, my friends, my daughter and my job, and that was all that mattered.

Instead I tried not to let my boss's silence unsettle me. I _had _to get today. "Steve? You still there?" There was a deep, resigned sigh from the other end of the line.  
"Today, and _only _today," he answered, finally caving. "And you make up the time later, got it?"

"Thanks, Steve," I said, beyond relieved. "I owe you one." He grumbled something inaudible and then hung up on me. I smiled triumphantly as I set the phone back in its cradle on the wall and headed back into the living room, glad I had the boss I did.

On a normal Tuesday Cat would be picking Sasha up for school, and dropping her home when she knew I'd be back from work. Today she'd insisted that Sasha stay round hers for dinner – Leah hadn't been able to give an exact time on when she'd arrive, and besides, Sasha would enjoy the extra time with William. I swear, Catherine was a godsend. "You okay, kiddo?" I asked, flopping down next to Sasha on the sofa. She nodded, mouth full of cornflakes.

"Yupp," she answered when she could speak, and then grinned as Scooby and the Gang unmasked yet another villain. I automatically smiled too, and ruffled her hair.

"Good," I said. "And you're alright for having dinner at Cat and William's tonight? 'Coz if you'd rather you can always go to your Grandma Sue's, I'm sure she wouldn't mind."

Most of today's plans had been completely haphazard decisions, and I wanted to make sure Sash was okay with it. Deep down I knew she would be okay with anything that would help her family out, because she was such a sweetheart, but it made me feel better to ask. "Sure," she replied, her smile widening. "I like going to Aunty Cathy's. Besides, I've gotta finish teaching Will how to do a cartwheel. I think it's hopeless." I laughed and wrapped an arm around her, squeezing gently. Sometimes, she came out with the most adorable things.

Cat arrived on time a few minutes later. Sasha grabbed her bag, tucked the chain with Leah's ring on it under her shirt and opened the door, grinning happily. "Hey, Aunty Cathy!" she said.

"Hey honey," Cat replied, smiling at her warmly. "Will's been so hyper this morning, waiting to see you. He actually managed a hand stand last night in the garden." William, who was usually a bundle of energy in the mornings, had rolled down the car window and was waving excitedly at Sasha. She waved back, before turning around and hugging me tightly. Luckily I'd knelt down a second beforehand so she could reach.

"See you later, Daddy."

"I'll see you later, Baby," I said, kissing her cheek. "You be a good girl for Cathy now."

Sasha threw me one more smile and then darted out of the door, out of the garden and climbed into the back of the car next to William. By the time the door was shut they'd already started talking animatedly about something or other. "You're my hero, Cat," I murmured, getting to my feet. "You're like the School Run God." Cat laughed and smiled at me, tucking a strand of hair that had come loose from her ponytail behind her ear.

"I'm just glad I can help," she said, and I knew it was true. "Anything to pay you back for all the years you've helped me stay sane." I chuckled lightly.

"It's been my pleasure," I said. "Where would I be without you helping me cope, anyway? If there's anything you need, let me know. I need to start doing favours for you, instead of getting them."

"You know I don't mind. Anyways, is six okay for me to drop her home?"

"Sure. I'll see you later, Cat, take care."

"Take care, Jake, and good luck. See you tonight." I waved at Catherine and the kids as they disappeared down the street and round the corner, then went back inside.

Unsure what to do with myself, the minutes seem to tick by unbearably slow. I couldn't even really tidy up, because there was nothing to tidy. I wasn't a neat-freak, but neither me or Sasha was particularly messy. I distracted myself with the washing up for half an hour, dragging it out, but eventually I had to admit defeat and switched on the TV, passing the hours with a few marathons of some mind-numbingly boring reality show. Gradually the morning wore into the afternoon, and I was still waiting for something to happen.

At one point Edward called to see what was going on and wish me luck; Alice had seen Leah coming back today, but wasn't able to see how it would all turn out because our minds kept changing so much. I still felt sick, knowing that I would finally be seeing her again, that today had the potential to fix or destroy everything.

But then, as I was looking at the clock and knowing that Cat must be going to pick the kids up from school round about now, the doorbell rang. For a moment I only sat there, frozen. What in the name of God had I been thinking? All this was going to achieve was to hurt me more, and to probably hurt Sasha as well. I mentally swore at myself – what the Hell had made me agree for her to come here so soon? _What? _But then I composed myself, going out into the hall. I took a deep breath, and then opened the door.

And there she was. In all her copper-skinned, chocolate-eyed beauty. I felt my heart skip and my breath catch against my will, but I didn't care. She stood on the porch, looking as nervous as I felt, but still radiant, and the weak, cautious smile she gave me threatened to stop my heart completely. There was only one woman in the world who could make me feel that way:

Leah.

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**Ohmydays, the drama is killing me! Lol :] Like it? Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Your reviews are the only things that make me believe I might be an alright writer! :L Until next time :] xx**


	5. Chapter 4

**Omg. I can't believe how long it's been since I last updated! *hangs head in shame* But I've been on and off ill, and on top of exams and revision and _major _writer's block _and _having a few weeks of just feeling kinda low, I haven't been able to get anything uploaded :( That doesn't mean I haven't been writing, because I have - it's just...I'll write quite a bit one night, then get up the next morning and my inspiration will be gone! -_-;; I'm 3/4 of the way through the next chapter of Sweet Escape, though, so hang in there! Gahh, there's a whole list of updates I need to get done :S Darn it. Bear with me, people!**

**Anywho. So, apologies for leaving you on that little cliffy there last time. ( ;D) But, hopefully, this chapter will have enough drama to make up for my absence ^^ *fingers crossed* Gotta run, but I'll keep trying for updates whenever I can! It's your reviews that really inspire me - which, by the way, _rock_ and I love you all for them! :] - so keep 'em coming! I'll be back later to check for mistakes - and, y'know, the whole 'I'm British Not American So I'm Not Sure What's Different And What's Not' thing :L **

**Oh, and I would just like to point out that, obviously, not all the chapters will be this long. But a lot of stuff had to happen in this, sooo... ;]**

**Hope you enjoy!**

**Em xx**

**Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns Twilight...I just own the people you don't recognise from the books ;]**

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**JPOV**

She smiled that old, familiar smile at me, and for a split second I was 19 years old again, excited, engaged, and happily in love. But that moment was gone just as quickly as it came, and then I was back to being my older, wiser, and irreversibly heartbroken self. "Hey, Jake," she murmured, the light breeze swirling the long, shining black hair that fell around her shoulders.

"H-Hi." Somehow I found it in me to reply, though I thought I might be sick. "Uh...come in." I stood back and held the door open so that she could step inside, shutting the door quietly behind her.

I had always been pretty good at lightening moods and starting conversations as a teenager – but the last seven years had changed me. And now, standing there in the hallway with the woman who had broken me, it was all I could do just to hold myself together. I was torn between terror and joy, hurt and relief; after all this time, her smile still made my heart race, just seeing her again enough to make a distant part of me happy and whole. But after the rush of familiar adoration and love that swept the breath from my lungs came the pain. This woman, this beautiful, amazing woman, had left me. She had walked out on me, on our baby girl, and had taken part of me with her.

I stood there, awkwardly silent, feeling the ache I knew all too well settle into my heart, and as I looked at her I saw everything we'd once had. I remembered how it had felt to brush my fingertips over her skin; I remembered how she had always been the first thing I saw when I woke up, lying there beside me and smiling like every second was the best of her life. I remembered spending lazy weekends sprawled out on the sofa or grass or bed with her in my arms – she'd smile and allow me to tenderly slip my large, hot hands under her shirt, and softly run my fingers over her smooth skin, the slight rise of her hips, then her stomach, feeling the gentle swell there that grew bigger every day, holding our very own little miracle. It was enough to make my heart clench painfully and thud faster than it should. It was enough to make familiar tears threaten to well up in my eyes, and I blinked to try and clear them before she could see.

Wondering if she felt what I felt, saw what I saw, I raise a hand in a silent gesture towards the kitchen. I wanted to say something, anything, but my throat had closed up against my will. Even feeble smiles now a distant memory, we remained silent as we both turned and began to make for the kitchen door.

XXXXXXXXXX

The kettle remained untouched. Neither of us was thirsty – that was half a lie on my part, though. I stood leaning with my back against the work surface, eyes fixed anywhere but on the suddenly very subdued woman sitting at my kitchen table, and my mouth seemed too dry to speak. Not that it would probably have been much of a problem: I didn't think I'd have been able to form any coherent words, let alone sentences, anyway.

The silence seemed to stretch on forever: her presence squeezed the air from my chest, weight heavily on the fragments of my long since broken heart. But then, when I thought that the awkwardness was just too unbearably suffocating, Leah spoke.

"I know you must have a lot of questions," she whispered, not looking me in the eye. "A _lot _of questions." She closed her eyes for the briefest of moments, letting out a breath. I didn't miss the way her eyelashes brushed her cheeks, like feather dusters –

_A hot summer's day. Sam and Emily's house. Another barbeque. Quil was telling dirty jokes again, and I was grinning and she was laughing and the baby kicked, ever so gently against my hand and she smiled, peered up at me from under her eyelashes and my heart skipped a few beats and I couldn't breathe because God, she was so beautiful – _

"Where would you like me to start?" My heart picked up its pace a little – I'd waited so long to ask this question. It had plagued my mind and invaded my dreams, caused my nightmares for _years_. And now, I was finally getting that chance.

I pushed myself slowly away from the work surface, sinking down into the empty chair across the table from her. I ran a lightly trembling hand through my short, ruffled hair, and steeled myself for the inevitable pain that would soon follow. "Why did you leave?"

The question was barely a murmur, such a struggle to simply voice that I wasn't sure if she'd even heard me. Her large, chocolate eyes flickered open and I saw that they were glazed with tears; I wasn't exactly sure how that made me feel. Suddenly more terrified, confused and hurt, I was about to ask her again when she finally, quietly, replied.

"Post-natal depression, they thought," she murmured. "Thought, but weren't exactly sure. I was too scared to go to a certified doctor, in case...well, y'know. I wasn't sure how human I was yet, even though I hadn't phased since I found out I was pregnant." I'd known, deep down I suppose, that hearing it would be harder than I could ever expect. And I'd been right. Already I wanted to interrupt, though my voice seemed to be gone once more. I wanted to touch her, hold her close again, and yet I was hurting to the point where it was almost too much to simply sit across the table from her.

"Please don't think that it was because you didn't make me happy," Leah continued, tears sliding down her cheeks. She wiped them away stubbornly. "Or because I didn't love you. Please don't think that."

_What else am I supposed to think_? I wanted to ask, trying to fight down the bitterness in my heart. Instead, I remained silent. Tear tracks glistened on her copper skin, glinting in the sunlight that flooded in through the kitchen window –

"_Leah, will you marry me?" Please say you will, please – she was crying and I must have done something wrong, or maybe it was the hormones, please, please let it be the hormones, and then she was saying yes over and over again and I was holding her as close as I could now that her bump was getting big, and I couldn't believe she wanted to spend her life with me and I kissed her tears and thanked whatever it was out there that I got to keep her forever – _

"I just...I kept thinking I would be a bad mother. That I would be useless. It was all so...so unexpected and I was still trying to convince myself that you wouldn't Imprint and I thought I would mess it all up and I...I was just...I was so _scared _– " I looked up at her in shock, wondering if she could even _hear _herself.

"_You _were scared?" I asked, disbelief in my voice. "_You _were scared? Leah, I was _19_. 19 years old – practically still a _kid_! I woke up one morning and my fiancée was gone, and I suddenly found I had to raise a baby on my own, with no job, no money, no experience – Leah, I was _terrified_."

"I know, _I know_," Leah sobbed, covering her face with her hands. "Every day, every night since I left, it's been tearing me apart!" She sniffed quietly for a moment or two, looking anywhere but at me. I rubbed my forehead with my fingertips, fighting my own tears, the remains of my heart aching painfully in my chest.

"Then why didn't you come home?" I asked in a murmur. "If it hurt so much..."

"It did," Leah breathed. "Every second."

"...Then why didn't you come home?" My question was, really, full of other questions, Whys, What Ifs. Each one the subject of my nightmares for seven, long years. Trembling a little now, my ex-wife-to-be, the mother of my child, met my gaze with tear-filled eyes.

"I was only going to be gone a day or two. No longer than a week. I just needed to think. And then, when I got to New York, I...I was told by this med student that he thought it could be post-natal depression and...I didn't think...I didn't think I should come home until I was better, in case I...I let you down."

She sobbed again, just once, into her hand. Then she tried to calm herself. "It occurred to me after a few months that you might not want me anymore. I can't imagine how much I...I hurt you."

"Yeah," I mumbled bitterly, head in my hands. "You can't imagine." I saw her flinch out of the corner of my eye, but said nothing. It wasn't like me at all to say hurtful things, but...it was like my heart had a direct line to my mouth. After all these years of pain and confusion and sympathy, I just couldn't do it anymore. I wanted...well, I wasn't sure what I wanted. But I wasn't the same man she remembered. And I needed her to know that.

"Leah," I whispered, sighing deeply. "What you did...you didn't just _hurt _me. We're talking permanent damage." It felt so surreal to talk about myself, about my damaged heart like that. Like I was just another one of the broken cars I fixed almost every day at work. "I'm not the same Jake you knew. The only thing that got me through that first week was Sasha. I kept telling myself that my Baby needed me. And then, when I realised that you weren't going to come back, I was a mess. Didn't sleep much, didn't eat much, and that's without the nightmares and the pain and the panic attacks – "

"_Panic attacks_?" Leah repeated, horror on her face, but I ignored her.

" – I pretty much went to pieces. I didn't see any point in going on. But then, one night, Sasha smiled at me. People say babies can't smile at that age, but I know it was a smile. And I knew I had to pull myself together, carry on, and give you time. Step One was naming her, so I called her Sasha. I've always thought it's a strong kind of name. And she's kept me strong, all this time."

There was a pause, a silence filled only by Leah's sniffing as she tried, and failed, to keep her tears under control. I felt at least a little unburdened...I knew I was hurting her, but despite the fact that I knew it was horrible, I couldn't stop thinking about how much _she'd _hurt _me. _Nothing I said could make her feel even close to how I'd felt all those years ago –

_Light streaming in through the windows, Sasha breathing softly in her crib, light in my eyes and contentedness in my heart, and then emptiness. Emptiness where another warm body should be. I was dazed and the paper glinted in the sunlight on the bedside table and it was cold in my hands, cold because it had been hours now since she'd touched it. And then the world caved in around me and the light was gone and I couldn't speak, couldn't speak or breathe because she couldn't be doing this, just couldn't be, because we'd just had a baby and I loved her so much and I needed her, our baby needed her, and she just couldn't do this to us, had no right – _

"She's so beautiful," breathed Leah, and I noticed she'd placed one of the pictures I'd sent her on the table, the one of Sash.

"Yeah," I agreed, voice barely above a whisper. "She is." Leah looked like she wanted to say something, but when she tried, she didn't seem able to get it out. I waited – God, I was so tired of waiting – as she took a deep breath, let it out in a sigh, and tried again.

"You...you said in your letter that you were fine. That it'd been hard, but you were getting by." I shrugged, feigning nonchalance, feeling at least twice my age.

"Generally, I'm happy when I'm with Sasha or...or just...having a good day." I'd been about to say, 'or Catherine', but covered it up just in time. I didn't think Cat should be brought into the equation yet. Though, honestly, I didn't think she deserved to get caught up in this mess at all.

"It has been hard," I continued. "But we do get by."

"I just...I just don't understand how you can do it. Looking after Sasha, working..." I shrugged again, avoiding her gaze.

"Everyone's been great," I said, technically avoiding having to answer. If I told Leah that I _wouldn't _be able to do it, juggle work and school runs and looking after my daughter without Cat's help, it would lead to all sorts of questions. And I wasn't ready for that yet.  
"So...I'm guessing Sam lets you take fewer patrols?" My eyes flew straight to hers, puzzled.

"Patrols?" I repeated, confused. It took a second, but then realisation dawned. "Leah, I haven't phased since Sasha was born."

Leah stared at me, clearly surprised. "But...what about the others?" she asked, bewildered. "The Pack – "

"All quit," I explained. "It was completely by chance that I didn't phase for the first two weeks after Sash arrived, but when I 'pulled myself together' I decided I was going to commit to being a father properly. So I quit. A couple weeks after that, so did Sam. Then Paul, later, when Rachel found out she was pregnant. Seth quit when he went off to College. And Jared, Embry, Quil, Colin and Brady, they all packed it in just a few months after Seth. The Cullens are still here, though they don't go to Forks High anymore – which means no one apart from us actually knows they haven't left, so they're safe. And, in return for 'making us all turn into giant dogs', they patrol the borders of both Forks and La Push now."

A small, ghost of a grin crossed my features momentarily. "The first few months, Emmett actually wore a superman costume. Said if he was going to be immortal, he wanted to spend his time as a superhero. 'Keep families safe' and all that." I looked across the table at Leah to find that a smile had appeared on her face. Still indignant, still betrayed, my pathetic heart leaped again at her brief display of happiness.

I was still inwardly cursing myself when her smile gradually faded. "I've missed everything, haven't I?" she murmured, and I nodded slowly in agreement. It would be lie to say otherwise. Leah nodded too, her eyes flickering to mine. I wanted to sigh, but didn't; it felt like we were going round in circles. I'd gotten answers, but still, nothing had changed. "Jake," Leah began quietly, her tone weary. "If you don't want me anymore, I understand. What I did is unforgivable. But I think we both know that we need to work out where this is going to go."

"I know," I whispered. "I know."

XXXXXXXXXX

I knew I had to make a difficult decision. But that didn't mean that I wanted to make it any sooner than I had to.

It was getting dark outside now, and for the past couple of hours we'd talked about little things, memories, things that had happened on the Reservation since she...since she left. I thought that, the more I talked to her, the easier it would get, but it didn't. We lapsed again into an uncomfortable silence, and I found that my chest still hurt and I was still slightly short of breath. I kept catching myself looking her hand, where her engagement ring should have been. The ring she'd left on the window sill in our bedroom, where she always used to sit. The ring our daughter now always wore on a chain around her neck, to remind her of the mother she'd never known.

I'd never been able to look at that window without hurting again. Or our bed. No wonder I moved back in with Dad after a while.

I almost sighed again. I wanted to say something, to break the silence. But I didn't know what to say.

Then, cautiously, Leah reached out and laid her small, warm hand over my large, russet one. I looked up at her instantly, taken aback, searching her eyes even though I didn't know what I was looking for. "Jacob," she whispered. "We can still make this work, y'know. I love you. I've always loved you – " Something suddenly seemed to occur to her, and her eyes filled with a kind of fearful wariness. "Unless...unless you don't...don't love me anymore?"

I'd been waiting for that question, and dreaded it. It was a question that I wasn't sure how to answer. "I said, in the letter..." I began hesitantly, voice uncertain.

"That was on paper," Leah interrupted softly. "And feelings can change depending on the situation. So I'm asking you now, Jake...do you love me?" I didn't speak for several moments, astonished at how hard it was just to meet her eyes. There was fire running up my arm, through my fingertips, a fire I'd longed to feel for far too long. All I had to do was say one little word, and I'd have it back. Have Leah back. She'd be mine again, mine to touch and kiss and hold and make love to and marry and just _be with _–

"_Daddy! Look what score Aunty Cathy got, she's winning!" Christmas. Karaoke battles, dinner, presents, laughter, fun. Our dysfunctional, yet happy, little 'family' of four. One of my favourite times of the whole year, and today Cat was challenging my karaoke title and Will and Sash were giggling at her Cilla Black impressions and I was smiling and for once, I thought things actually might be okay, because I had my beautiful daughter and my amazing best friend and my adorable kind-of-godson and whenever I was with them, I didn't hurt as badly – _

I stopped myself in the middle of thinking about what I could have. I couldn't answer her question, not the way she wanted me to. I couldn't answer, because looking at her now, I honestly had no idea how I felt about the woman who had once meant everything. There was no denying that some part of me did love her – and always would, no doubt. But there was more to this than just my feelings. What about Sasha? What about Catherine and Will?

Cat had told me to take my time, not to rush myself, and now I understood why.

Because I couldn't afford to make the wrong decision.

"Leah, I..." I began, searching for the right words. "I waited, I said that in my letter. I waited for you, even though the guys kept trying to set me up and take me out clubbing – there haven't been any other girls, so it's not that. I just – Leah?"

She was crying again, her hand leaving mine as she wrapped her arms around herself. "You mean," she wept, struggling to speak through her tears. "Y-You haven't so m-much as kissed another w-woman while I've been aw-way?" Thoroughly confused now, I shook my head.

"I feel kinda pathetic now...but no. No, I haven't. You asked me to wait for you, so I did. I mean, looking after Sasha's kind of been my main priority, not..." I felt a blush creeping onto my cheeks, and hoped she wouldn't notice. "Well. Y'know. Okay, I really do feel sad – "

"It's not pathetic at all," Leah assured me, wiping at her eyes. "It's romantic." That made me feel a little bit better. But not for long. "I just wish...oh, Jake, I'm an awful, _awful _person!"

She burst into a fresh set of tears. Acting more out of instinct and old habit than personal choice, I reached across the table and placed a gentle hand on her arm before I could stop myself. "Leah, what's wrong?" I asked, unsure of whether or not I should be worried. She answered, but through her tears and the hands that now covered her face, I couldn't understand what she said. "Sorry, Lee, I didn't hear what – "

"There were other men, Jake!" Leah sobbed. My hand left her arm like I'd been burned, and I wished I hadn't heard the second time, either.

"You mean...you mean, you..." I stumbled over the words, my voice reduced to a shock whisper. There was a familiar feeling of agony in my chest, and it was all of a sudden very hard to breathe. All this time I'd spent missing her, waiting for her, passing up every chance I got to move on – she'd spent it...no, I couldn't even think about it. The images I got hurt far too much. But Leah was nodding, a little calmer now, and that was a lot harder to ignore.

"It'd been a few years," she whispered. "I thought you would've moved on. Or, at least, wouldn't love me anymore. I figured the best thing for everyone would be for me to stay away, and try to move on myself. Leave you in peace. There were...there were a few guys. But it never lasted longer than a couple of weeks, Jacob, I swear, because they just...they weren't _you_."

I was horrified when I realised that there were tears on my cheeks, and broke the numb stare I'd been giving the surface of the table to look at her. "Leah, how could...I...why ask me to...if you were going to just..." I couldn't even speak. I felt like someone was trying to rip my heart into little pieces, and it made forming coherent sentences difficult.

If the doorbell hadn't rung, startling us both, I don't think we'd have spoken a single word for at least a few more hours.

But it did, and I was given just a few minutes reprieve.

I muttered a, "I'll be right back," and got up from the table, running a hand through my hair as I walked out of the kitchen and down the hallway. I was careful to wipe the tears from my face before I took a deep breath and opened the front door. "Hey, kiddo," I said with as much happiness as I could muster when Sasha threw her arms around me in greeting. "Have a nice time?" I felt rather than saw her nod, and I took advantage of her back being turned to look up at Cat. She wore a look of concern on her face, her usually warm and untroubled light blue eyes anxious and worried. I offered her a weak smile, one that she returned, just the way I knew she would. "Thanks for looking after her, Cat," I murmured. "I owe you one." Cat waved that off dismissively and her smile became warmer.

"Don't worry about it," she assured me. "You know me and Will love having Sash over. I swear, I don't know what they put in cheese strings these days, but they were both hyper as anything when they came out of school today, bouncing all over the place. All I heard about was dinosaurs and cartwheels for the rest of the day." Unable to help myself, I chuckled lightly. Sasha smiled sheepishly at us and then waved to Will in the car. "Well, I'd better get going," Cat said, waving at her son and laughing as he pulled faces at Sash, who pulled them back. Her expression became a little more concerned again as she looked back at me. "Call me, okay? Otherwise I'll just worry about you." I nodded, smiling.

"Thanks for having me over Aunty Cathy," said Sasha, "Tell Will I'll see him tomorrow at school?"

"I will, sweetheart," Cat agreed. "You take care of your Daddy now, okay?" Then, to me, "I'll see you tomorrow, Jake."

"See ya, Cathy, and thanks again."

When I turned round after shutting the door, Sasha was looking at me worriedly, clutching her bag. "Are you okay, Dad?" I tried my best to smile for her, and knelt down so we were more level.

"Yeah, honey, I'm alright," I reassured her. "I just need you to do one thing for me, okay?" Looking slightly less anxious, Sasha nodded and smiled. "Would you mind going upstairs for a few minutes?" I asked, knowing that she'd agree, because she'd know it would make me happier. "I've just got something I need to sort out, and then I'll come up and see you, alright? Can you do that for me?" Sasha nodded again, her smile brighter.

"Yupp," she answered.

"Good girl." I wrapped my arms around her, wishing she knew how grateful I was that she was in my life. "I won't be long, I promise."

Sasha paused on her way to the stairs, looking towards the kitchen. I knew she couldn't have seen anything, because the door was pulled to. Though I guess that kind of made it obvious that something was happening in there. Still, she paused for only a few seconds, and then continued upstairs, smiling to herself. I let out a long, deep breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding in, reminding myself that it was almost over.

When I re-entered the kitchen, Leah looked up, but looked away again. She pushed her chair back gently, getting to her feet and picking the photo up off the table, slipping it into her pocket. She hesitated, looking like she wanted to say something, but I spoke first. "I can't promise anything, Leah," I explained quietly. "I just...I need to think. I waited for you, so please, just...give me some time." She nodded understandingly, and I found that I still couldn't look her in the eye.

"And...and Sasha?" she asked, voice uncertain.

"I don't know," I answered honestly. "I need to speak to her." Leah nodded again.

"I'll be at my Mom's," she said. "It's been...nice...seeing you again, Jake." I gave a nod like I agreed, when really I was barely sure which way was up. "I can show myself out."

She walked out of the kitchen, and after a few moments I heard the sound of the front door opening and closing.

XXXXXXXXXX

Sasha was sitting on her bed and reading when I went up to see her. For her age, she was great at it, and it seemed like it was quickly becoming a passion of hers. But she set the book down when she saw me, and silently I crossed the room and sat down on the edge of her bed. I said nothing for a moment, wondering how to start, how to phrase certain things, unsure what to tell her and what not to, when she did her usual Sasha Thing: she surprised me.

"Mommy was here, wasn't she?" She took one look at my bewildered face and smiled knowingly. "Grandma Sue showed me an old bottle of perfume the other day," she explained. "She said it was what Mommy used to smell like. And I could smell it in the hallway." A grin appeared on my face before I could stop it.

"I gotta hand it to ya, Sash, you've definitely got your Mom's intelligence." Then I sighed. "Yeah. Yeah, it was Mommy." Sasha gave a little nod.

"Is she coming home?" I studied her face and was relieved to see that there wasn't a trace of hope there, only curiosity. Thank God – seeing my little girl heartbroken would have just about killed me.

"I don't know," I answered truthfully, sighing again. And, again, Sasha nodded. "Mommy's missed us a lot," I continued as she moved, unfolding her legs so she could climb onto my lap. "And she loves you, very, very much."

"I know," Sasha replied, pulling out Leah's ring and holding it tightly in her hand the way she always did when she felt tense, nervous, or needed to think. It was a comfort thing. Then, suddenly, she looked up at me with her big, melted-chocolate eyes. "She loves you too, Daddy," she said. Very calmly. Matter-of-factly. Like she knew without a doubt she was speaking the truth. The corner of my mouth turned upwards in a faint smile.

"I know." I hesitated, pausing for a second. "I think she'd quite like to meet you," I confessed, seeing no point in delaying the inevitable. "But if it's not what you want, you don't have to, honey. I won't make you do anything you don't want to."

Sasha seemed to consider this for a second. "I'd like to wait a little while, if that's okay," she answered. "Not forever, but a little while." I nodded.

"Of course, sweetheart, that's just fine." She smiled, and then, abruptly, slid off my lap.

"I forgot!" she announced, running over to her desk where she kept all her coloured pencils and pens and drawing things. "I drew you a picture!" She grabbed a piece of paper and quickly returned, settling back onto my lap with ease and holding out the drawing to me. I took it gently, and instantly a bright smile lit up my features.

"It's me and you, see?" she explained happily. "We had to draw a picture of our family in class yesterday, and I forgot to give it to you. There's me and you in the middle, and then there's Aunty Cathy and Will – he put us on his! And then there's Uncle Sam and Aunty Emily and Max, and Uncle Jared and Aunty Kim and the twins – and _there's _Uncle Carlisle and Uncle Jasper and Aunty Rosalie..."

Somehow, she had managed to fit everyone from the Pack, all of their families, Cat, Will _and _the Cullens onto the paper. And they were pretty good drawings, too. "I had to use up all the space," she said, "but I didn't really mind. There wasn't any point in drawing butterflies or flowers like everyone else, anyway." A little puzzled, I pointed to a blank spot on the paper, next to her little drawing of herself (on her right – wait, left? Yeah, left, when you looked at the paper – was a very tall drawing of me, with huge arms and legs, holding her hand).

"You missed a spot," I said, grinning, and she giggled.

"Nah, I didn't," Sasha corrected me. "I left a space to draw Mommy, just in case."

My throat closed up a little, but I still managed to smile. I kissed her on the forehead and she put her arms around my neck, hugging me tightly, while I set the picture down carefully on the bed beside me.

"Thank you, Angel," I murmured. "I love it."

* * *

**So...uhm...I know that a lot of people wanted Jake to forgive Leah right away. But, y'know, for the purposes of this story, it couldn't go that way :L Plus, if I were him, I'd probably be kinda pissed that she just walked out and then walked right back in when she felt like it. _Anywayyyyyy_. Gotta run. Leave a review, let me know what you think! :] Could you forgive Leah? Or has she blown her chances? 'Til next time ;] xx**


	6. Chapter 5

**Phew. Finally got this chapter updated :] Don't worry I'm not abandoning any of my fics - I've just been a) lacking inspiration and b) ill. I've missed so much school, my teachers are going to eat me O.o Ah well. Anywho, I know a lot of you are hoping for a happy ending and for Jacob to forgive Leah and stuff. I'm trying to be as realistic as possible though, so it looks like we'll all just have to wait and see how it all turns out :P. Your reviews are all awesome, by the way, so thank you :] Seriously. I love hearing what you think and it always makes my day to get a nice review ^^. Gotta run, I'll try to update asap for you guys!**

**Hope you enjoy!**

**Em xx**

**Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns Twilight. I own any characters you don't recognise from the books.**

* * *

**LPOV**

I seriously contemplated turning around, getting back in my car and driving away. But it was too late. I'd already rung the doorbell. And my mother was damn quick on her feet.

It had been years since I'd last seen her. Years since I'd last seen anyone from the Rez, really. Edward was the only person, and that was just once, when he came to New York to make sure I was okay, because I hadn't been returning any phone calls. It wasn't that I hadn't wanted to come home. I had. So much. But I'd been terrified of ruining everything for my family, of being a bad Mom to Sasha. And, gradually, as the years had gone by, that terror had turned into the fear that I would come back and be turned away. That I would come back and find everyone had moved on. That I would come back and be too late.

Jacob had done so well to carry on on his own the way he had. _Oh, Jake_. The thought of his tired, heartbroken face was enough to make the tears from half an hour ago return to my eyes. _I'd _put that expression on his face. _I'd _broken him seven years ago, and now I'd done it again. It made me want to cry, just shatter into a million pieces and sob until there was nothing left to let out. The guilt of hurting him, of being the one responsible for his broken heart and his scars was suffocating, a constant heavy weight settled on my own, damaged heart. But it seemed that no matter how hard I tried, hurting him was all I ended up doing.

Even now, knowing the life that I could have, might have, here with my family, a part of me wondered if I was really doing the right thing. In New York I was far, far away from Jacob and Sasha. I couldn't keep on hurting them there. Until now I'd stayed away so that they could move on. Jake could find love again, with a woman who would never leave him and who would look after him. Sasha could put me, the mother she'd never met, out of her mind and enjoy her childhood, growing up surrounded by family and friends that loved and adored her.

I'd known the decision was no longer mine to make the day that I received Jake's letter.

With shaking hands I'd dialled the phone number written on the back of one of the sheets of paper in Edward's elegant script. I told myself that Carlisle or Esme Cullen would answer, but I think I knew, deep down, who the number was really for. I'd heard his voice and burst into tears instantly. He sounded just the way I remembered.

In person, though, it was a different story. Face to face with the man I'd once promised to marry and spend my life with, it was easy to see the damage I'd done. Seeing the hurt and fearful caution in his eyes was almost as painful as knowing it was because of me.

I knew that Jake would look older – though I also expected him to still be phasing, it didn't seem likely to me that even a werewolf would be immune to the aging effects of raising a child. And he did look older. Still as flawlessly, heartbreakingly handsome as the day I'd left him, but Jacob Black was clearly no longer the teenager that he'd once been. He looked his age. He looked like a father. And, as much as I wanted to be there to see laugh lines appear and hair turn grey and wrinkles develop, I wasn't sure if Jake would let me.

That thought sent a dagger of ice through my heart, but before I could continue to hate myself for allowing this all to happen the front door opened, and, for the first time in seven years, I laid eyes on the shocked face of my mother. She looked good. There were a few grey hairs and lines starting to show here and there, but otherwise I might as well have been gone only a few weeks instead of years. I was half-surprised that Charlie didn't open the door – then again, Jacob's letter had only said that they were still together. Not that they were married.

My heart began to sink when I thought of my Mom living out the past few years alone in the house, and a renewed feeling of guilt made my chest tighten and the tears I was trying to keep in check threaten to spill over. Not only was I a horrible mother and fiancée, but I was a horrible daughter and sister, too. _God, why didn't I call? _But I already knew the answer to that. I already knew that I hadn't called because I hadn't wanted to answer the inevitable questions I would be asked. In the end, though, it hadn't mattered. They were the kind of questions that I just couldn't run from, and now they'd finally caught up with me.

I swallowed hard to try and get rid of the lump in my throat. "Hi, Mom," I managed to murmur, voice a little hoarse because of the tears. "Miss me?" That seemed to bring Sue Clearwater out of her shock, and the next thing I knew I was being hugged tightly and she was half-sobbing unintelligible things into my shoulder. I managed to make out my name, but that was about it.

Then, all of a sudden, she grabbed my hand and began pulling me inside. "Oh, Leah, I've missed you so much – my baby's home, oh, I didn't think you'd ever come back!" she rambled through her tears as she shut the door behind us. I stood patiently in the hallway, laughing nervously as I tried to wipe away the tears that had spilled over at seeing my mother again. Just for a moment, it looked like I might stand a chance of being welcomed back with open arms without having to answer any awkward, painful questions.

But I wasn't stupid. I had left, I had been the one who ran away, and now I had to face the consequences. First, my broken-hearted soulmate, sooner or later my beautiful, unknown daughter and my grown-up little brother. Right now, though, I had to face my indignant, aging mother. And it terrified me.

As if she'd read my thoughts, something seemed to occur to my Mom, and it was a confused, challenging expression that she wore when she turned to face me. "You have a lot of explaining to do, young lady," she said; her tone was authoritative, making me feel like a little girl again, the way only my mother could. Still, she had that curious, you'd-better-start-talking-right-now look in her eyes. Wondering what had happened to me in the last, long seven years of my life. Daring me to lie to her.

"I know, Mom," I admitted, voice barely more than a murmur. "Maybe we should sit down. It's a long story." My Mom nodded, just once, and gestured towards the door that led to the living room. Thank God – I didn't think I'd be able to handle another emotional conversation at a kitchen table for a while. Hopefully, I wouldn't have to.

Silently we moved from the hallway to the living room, and I chose to sit at one end of the familiar, comfy old sofa. Mom sat down in my father's ancient armchair instead. We were both perched on the edge of our seats, like we were watching a really interesting movie. A movie about my life unravelling before my eyes.

It was as I was trying to think of a way to start that I noticed the unusual silence. Not the awkward, uncomfortable one that enveloped us now, but the general silence. The one that seemed settled over the entire house. "Where's Seth?" I couldn't help but ask, knowing that I would also have to speak to him, too. God, were there any hearts left in Washington that I hadn't shattered?

"He's visiting from University," Mom explained, not knowing that I already knew. "But Quil and Paul came and picked him up a little while ago – the guys are all going out for an 'early birthday drink' in Port Angeles, so none of them will be home until at least 1am. Except Jared, who won't leave Kim, and Jacob, who – " She stopped herself right there, realising what she'd just said. Her cheeks darkened a little, but I barely noticed: I was too busy thinking about all the other things Jake was missing out on, because of me. Even if I'd still fallen pregnant with Sasha, if I had only stayed, then Jake would be able to go out and enjoy himself. I was 29 years old, and had spent the better part of my youth trying to forget what I'd done.

But Jacob, he was barely a man when I left. _He'd _spent his _entire _youth dealing with the consequences of my actions. And I didn't think I'd ever forgive myself.

A little more subdued now, my mother hesitated for a few long moments, like she was trying to find a way to start the conversation afresh. "You should see Seth, Leah," she eventually began, quiet. She looked up, meeting my gaze, and instead of betrayal I saw love and pride in her eyes, hear features softer and a warm smile on her lips. "You'd be so proud of him. It's so strange to see him so independent, but like he keeps reminding me, he'll always be a little boy to me." For the first time in what felt like an eternity, I smiled thinking about my baby brother.

His 24th birthday was coming up, and yet the image I still held in my mind was of a much younger Seth, barely 17, innocent and happy. He'd been in the party and barbeque and wedding photos that Jacob had sent me, but it just wasn't the same. It made me feel even more guilty; I'd completely missed out on watching my little brother turn into a man. "He's not mad at you," my Mom continued slowly, still holding my gaze. Her smile had faded, and the pride and love in her eyes had been replaced with concern. "At least, not anymore. He just...finds it hard to understand why...why his big sister didn't come home. Why she left him."

Fresh tears were sliding down my cheeks, but I didn't care. I knew what my mother was trying to say, and I knew she was right. I owed Seth an explanation. I owed _her _an explanation.

"I don't know what happened," I began in a whisper, sniffing and looking down at my lap where I was twisting my fingers nervously. "When I was pregnant...towards the end, I was always down. Always upset. Always crying. I thought it was just the hormones, so I figured it would get better once Sasha was born. Only it didn't. It just got worse. And I...I was trying to put on a brave face for Jake, but I kept thinking...that I would be an awful mother. That I would mess it all up. Having Jake, having Sasha – it was all too surreal, and I was scared that they would be taken away from me, too. Like Dad. Like Sam."

I couldn't have looked my Mom in the eye if I tried. I was back in the past, seven years ago, before I made the worst mistake that I would ever make in my life. "I kept thinking, 'What if Jake Imprints?', 'What if I'm a really bad parent?' and, suddenly, it was too much. I was terrified. So I ran. Told just Edward where I was going, in case of an emergency. I was only supposed to be gone a couple days, just long enough to clear my head...I asked Jacob...in my note...to wait for me. Give me a little time."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mom nodding slowly, sadness on her face. "I know," she said. "He showed me."

"H-He did?" I attempted wiping a few tears away, but more quickly took their place.

"Most of us know roughly what it said," she replied, still looking sombre. "Quil and I were the first two to know. When Jacob realised that you'd left he wanted to look for you, go after you. But he didn't want to leave Sasha and, I think, he felt obligated to stay. Like you asked him to." That was true. I'd asked him not to come after me. Not to contact me. I'd worried that he would do something stupid. "Jake called Quil, who rushed over, and then was back and forth all day running the entire Rez, looking for you. Between him disappearing and reappearing, and Jacob having a panic attack in the middle of the living room, it took a while to get them to tell me what had happened."

I didn't want to make eye contact with her, but I couldn't help myself. I immediately regretted it; I couldn't shake the feeling that I was more than a disappointment to her. It hurt even more knowing it was true. Her tone was hushed, but I wished she would shout at me instead. It would be less painful to be yelled at than to hear how much hurt I'd caused in her voice. "That boy went to pieces when it hit him that you weren't coming back," she continued. I wanted to cover my ears, didn't want to hear what she was saying, but I knew that, even if she wasn't saying it to punish me, I deserved it. "I've never seen anything like it. Or gotten through so much Kleenex. The boys had to convince him to eat, and then he wouldn't sleep, and more than once I'd hear him get up at 4am to take a cold shower, because he'd woken up and remembered you weren't there and started to hyperventilate – "

"I know," I sobbed, unable to keep it in anymore, volume kicking up a notch. "I know, Mom, I know! All this time I've been working at a stupid coffee shop in New York and wishing every day that I didn't leave, that I had just stopped to think and realised I was making a stupid, _stupid _decision..." I could feel my heart splintering, remembering how I'd asked Jake if he still loved me and how he hadn't answered, remembering what I'd done and how he'd looked and sounded and had _cried _when he found out about the other men, how I didn't deserve him and how I wouldn't really have to worry about that for much longer because he probably didn't want me anymore, didn't want the parts of my soul and body and mind and heart that belonged to him and him alone...

Before I knew it I was in hysterics, and crying so hard that I hardly even noticed my Mom sinking down onto the sofa beside me and hugging me to her while I wept. I felt like a child again, like a naive little girl that made a huge, huge mistake. "H-He wrote to m-me," I managed to choke out between sobs, not caring that I must've looked a mess. "J-just one l-letter, so I c-called, and w-we ag-greed to s-speak in p-person." It was almost impossible to get the words out, let alone keep them coherent, and I wasn't even sure if she could understand me, but it all just came tumbling out anyway. "I w-was at h-his t-today, and we t-talked, and I a-asked if he still l-loved me..."

"Take deep breaths, honey," my mother murmured. "Try to calm down." With what felt like an enormous effort I tried to stop sobbing, breathing in and out deeply and slowly until I was no longer a hysterical wreck. Much. "That's it. That's better. Now, what did you ask him?" I'd fixed the floor with a tearful gaze, but it didn't matter. It wasn't the floor that I was seeing. Instead I saw Jacob. His uncertainty. His tears...

"I asked him...I asked him if he still loved me," I whispered, trying to stay calm. It was a lot harder than I expected when a cold chill had settled over me, and I was shaking like a leaf.

"And what did he say?" I could feel my mother's anxiety even though I wasn't looking at her, and couldn't believe how idiotic I'd been to think that Jacob might still want me in his life. Of course he didn't want me. Of course he didn't need me. Didn't love me. Even my own mother knew that.

"He didn't answer," I half-breathed, half-sobbed into my hands. "Only said that he hadn't been with another woman since I left, because I asked him to wait." Next to me, my Mom sighed.

"I did wonder," she said in a whisper. "Quil and Embry and Paul kept trying to set him up with all these girls, and he kept saying no..."

"That's why I'm such a terrible person, Mom," I continued, swallowing hard. "After a couple years, I thought he would've moved on. I thought he would've forgotten about me." I'd had about as much as I could take; I let out another, small sob, and only more followed. "Here he was, raising our daughter and waiting for me even though he didn't know if I was coming back, and I was serving coffee and living in New York City and dating and sleeping with random men so that _I _could forget _him_!" My Mom tightened her hold on me, rubbing circles on my back and making shushing noises to try and calm me down again, but it was no use. "I j-just don't know w-what to do," I sobbed, and that was the last thing I said for a while.

I couldn't believe how stupid I'd been, and as much as part of me wanted Jacob's forgiveness, a bigger part knew that I didn't deserve it, and hoped that he wouldn't forgive me. I couldn't understand how I'd let everything turn from being so perfect, into this mess. Jake and I had been childhood best friends, Alpha and Beta, lovers, and husband-and-wife-to-be with a little girl – and now we were here. I hated myself more than I'd ever thought possible, Sasha had grown up without a mother, and hurt, damaged, beautiful Jacob...he could break me now, if he wanted to. He could turn me away, destroy me the way I destroyed him. I wouldn't blame him.

I'd messed up badly, and this was the price I had to pay. But I had to keep trying. For Sasha's sake, and my sake, and Jacob's sake, I had to hope that he might still love me the way I loved him. That he might let me back in. That we could give it another try. I would gladly spend the rest of my life, the rest of forever, proving to him how sorry I was and how I felt, just to be with him again. To be a family again.

Deep in my heart though, I knew that I was probably already too late.

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**So this was quite an angsty chapter...don't worry though, the next few chapters won't be _quite _so bad :] Gah, was it alright? What'll happen next? Is Leah worthy of Jake's forgiveness? Or has she just done too much damage? I generally prefer writing from Jacob's POV, so this chapter was a bit harder than normal...What did you think? Let me know! xx**


	7. Chapter 6

**Woahh. I can't believe how long it's been since I last updated D: Urgh, blame school stress! I swear, the holidays are going to be a blessing...anyways, I won't make any more excuses! I hope this extra-long update helps you forgive me ;] Thank you for all the reviews for the last chapter - they were _awesome_, as usual! And thanks to everyone who reviewed my oneshot '**Someone Like You**' too, your reviews just rocked my love scale :'] Free wolf-shaped cookies for you all! :P**

**Anywho, on with the show! Hope you enjoy!**

**Em xx**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight...I just own the funky characters you don't recognise from the books ;] *cough* Sasha & Co. *cough*...**

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**JPOV**

As it turned out, a little while really was all the time Sasha had to put off seeing her mother. It was finally the weekend, and I hadn't seen nor heard from Leah since our conversation. I was secretly grateful for that; I'd barely slept all week, plagued by confusion and nightmares of her with other men or leaving me, the second one a dream I'd had over and over since she left. Thinking about our situation was all I'd been doing, and I was still no closer to figuring it out.

Whenever I pictured Leah's face, thought of her, remembered her scent or the way her skin felt, it only dragged up painful memories and made me hurt. I'd called Catherine, like she'd asked, and told her everything. Thankfully she was understanding when I explained why I hadn't told Leah about her. But her silence when I'd repeated Leah's side of the story and her reasons for leaving really didn't bode well. I was pretty sure that Cathy was angry enough at Leah for the both of us. I was just too numb to feel anger right now.

I knew that once I'd had a chance to let everything sink in and come to terms with it all that I would probably start to feel either very pissed or very pathetic – the latter felt most likely. Still, even not yet being mad at Leah wasn't helping with any decision-making. I'd planned on staying home that weekend and figuring it all out, but that plan had to go out the window when Sue told me Seth's birthday party was at her house that Saturday afternoon.

At first I wasn't sure if Sasha and I should go: Leah would definitely be there, and I could see the awkwardness just waiting to happen. But Sasha, Zen little seven-year-old that she was, simply seemed to accept that there was no point in delaying meeting her mother any longer. Besides, she was all excited about seeing her Uncle Seth after he'd been away for so long. Hell, we were all looking forward to seeing him again.

So, Saturday lunchtime, Sasha grabbed Seth's card and present off the kitchen table and we headed on over to the Clearwaters'. She barely said a word all the way there, so I knew that the nerves must be getting to her, too. Jeeze, _I _was nervous, and I'd known Leah my entire life. I couldn't even begin to imagine how Sash must be feeling. "Do you think Mom will be happy to see me?" she asked in a small, uncertain voice as we pulled up outside the house, and I noticed that she was clutching Leah's ring in her hand again. The poor thing looked about as anxious as I felt.

Trying to smile, I undid my seatbelt and wrapped an arm around her little shoulders in a half-hug. She sighed, automatically relaxing into me and wrapping an arm round my waist in an attempt to hug me back. "Your Mom will be so, so happy to see you," I tried to reassure her. "She'll be thrilled. But, y'know, if it all gets a bit too much and you want to go home, just come and tell me, okay?"

"I will, Dad. I'm just...scared, is all."

I couldn't help but give a quiet sigh of my own as I looked down at her. She looked so small, so young. "Me too, Sash. Me too." I found myself hoping with everything I had that I wasn't making a huge mistake. God, this wasn't supposed to happen to me. I wasn't supposed to have these worries. I was meant to be _married _by now, for crying out loud. If Leah hadn't left, she'd be my wife. Maybe I wouldn't have become so close to Cat – though I didn't regret that at all, because she was important in my life. Maybe Sasha's first word would have been "Mom" instead of "Dad". Maybe we'd have more children.

We hadn't really spoken about having more than one, being focused on Leah's pregnancy. But it was something I'd always wondered about. Would Leah have let us have another baby or two, in the future? Children that, until I'd managed to stammer out that the test was positive, she'd thought she'd never be able to have? That was why Sasha was my own little Angel. She wasn't supposed to have been able to be conceived, but she had been. And even if the chances of Leah and I conceiving _were _actually quite low, Sash was still a fighter. She was my miracle, and I loved her more than anything in the world.

And I knew that Leah loved her, too. Which was why I didn't have it in me to not let her see our daughter. It would kill me not to see Sasha, and inflicting that punishment on Leah permanently would be too cruel. "Come on, Baby," I said quietly. "Let's do this."

I felt her reach for my hand while we stood on the front porch, the sound of the doorbell still reverberating in the air. I took her hand in my own much larger one and gave it a gentle squeeze, but, thank God, it was only Sue that opened the door. She smiled and ushered us in, before taking Seth's present and card from us and directing us towards the back door. "Everyone's gone outside, seeing as it's such a nice day," she explained, looking a lot more cheerful than I'd seen her in a while. "There's food, and all the other kids are out there Sash. We're waiting for Seth to get back so we can give him all the presents."

"Where's he gone?" I asked curiously, slightly distracted by the fact that Sasha was still nervously holding onto my hand instead of disappearing, like she usually did.

"Jared and Kim's car wouldn't start," answered Sue. "So Seth offered to go pick them and the kids up. They won't be long." Max chose that moment to burst into the hallway from outside, out of breath and grinning.

"Sash!" he cried excitedly, "Quick, come outside – you've gotta teach me how to do cartwheels! I'll show you my handstand too, I've finally got it right!" Sasha hesitated for maybe a second, looking up at me with anxiety still in her eyes.

"Go on," I encouraged her, smiling as best I could now that the nerves were making me feel ill. "Have some fun, kiddo." It seemed to do the trick. Sash relaxed, her face breaking into a warm smile. Before anything more could be said she and Max disappeared through the door that led to the kitchen and back yard. This time, my grin was a lot more genuine.

"Is she okay?" Sue asked me a moment or two later, concern in her voice. I met her gaze and tried not to let it show that her daughter's presence in La Push was wreaking havoc on my heart and mind.

"Yeah," I answered honestly. "She was just nervous about meeting...her Mom."

"And you? How're you holding up?" I thought about saying I was fine, but lying to Sue Clearwater was _never _a good idea. Unless you had a death wish.

"Truthfully, pretty bad. But I've had worse times. I'll live." Sue gave a little, slow nod, still keeping her eyes on me. I wasn't at all surprised at what she asked next.

"Have you decided what you're going to do, yet?" I knew that whatever I said to her would get back to Leah, but it wasn't like I had any other choice.

"I have no idea," I replied, glancing towards the kitchen door and thinking of the ex-fiancée waiting out there. "Seven years is a long time, Sue, you've got to understand that. I've changed, everything's changed. It's not as simple as 'Yes, I'll take you back' or 'No, you're too late', not when I have Sash to think of and I don't know how I feel."

I felt kind of bad knowing that I was talking about her only daughter, but what else could I do? I couldn't give her any other answer without committing to a certain course of action. And I was still completely clueless as to what to do. I didn't think I had it in me to lose her a second time, let her slip away; living without her was a stop step from torture. She was always in my dreams and, no matter how hard I tried, always in my thoughts. But on the other hand, I wasn't sure I could trust her, not again, not after she'd broken the heart I'd more than willingly given to her. Everything she'd done still hurt, unbearably so. My wounds were still raw.

Sue didn't react. Her face remained expressionless, and I wondered if she'd actually heard me. But then she looked at the kitchen doorway and back to me, and a small smile crossed her face. "I understand, Jacob. It's alright. Now, you'd better go see the others, otherwise I'm sure the guys will come and drag you out there by force." I had to stop myself before I let out a breath that I wasn't aware I'd been holding in.

The knot of nerves and dread in my stomach had almost tripled in size by the time I stepped outside, but I refused to let it get the best of me. I reminded myself to smile: this was a birthday party, not a funeral. With a small sigh I swept my gaze across the yard, and wasn't at all surprised at what I saw. Like all our other family get-togethers, the adults were scattered about in various different types of seating and chatting to one another, whilst their children ran around and laughed happily, unaware of the troubles of the world.

These days, life on the Reservation was a lot slower, more calm and strangely just that little bit more simple. Now that we had all grown up, matured and stopped phasing, we didn't have to deal with constant danger and near-death experiences, Vampires or the Volturi anymore. The quiet life was now all we wanted, all we needed. We were content with marriage and jobs and families, safe in the knowledge that we would never again have to worry about the world of the wolf; all of the Pack members had asked that Carlisle run a DNA test on each of their children at birth, to check that the gene had not accidentally been passed on.

So far, it seemed as if the gene had skipped a generation. Even Sasha, whose parents were _both _wolves, had managed to escape the life that Leah and I had been so scared she would have to experience.

Leah. Oh God.

I couldn't help myself – my gaze flickered past Charlie and my Dad, who were manning the barbeque, past Paul and Sam and Quil who appeared to be animatedly discussing last night's game, to the group of gathered wives and girlfriends who were talking and laughing in a huddle of plastic garden chairs by the drinks table. Kelly, Emily and Rachel were giggling over something that Kelly had muttered, but it wasn't them that I was looking at. It was the dark-haired, copper-skinned beauty sitting beside them and smiling contentedly that I was watching.

Before I could lose myself completely, I forced myself to look away. _Just don't think about her_, I thought, grateful that Edward wasn't here to read my mind. _Just don't think about her._ Yeah, right. She'd been on my mind every day and night for the last seven years – what chance did I possibly have of ignoring her presence now that she was actually here?

_There were other men, Jake...if you don't want me anymore, I understand...I love you._

I immediately shook myself. I couldn't afford to have those thoughts, not right now. Today was about Seth, and about Sasha . Putting Leah and I's...problems...out of my mind for just this afternoon would do me good. Determined to recover some sense of normality, I started in the direction of Sam, Paul and Quil. I hadn't seen the game, but damn, I could use some friendly company to save me from myself. "Hey, Jake," said Sam with a grin as I made my way over, and a not-quite-forced smile appeared on my face.

"Hey, Sam. Quil, Paul..." Paul, a changed man since the Wolf days, greeted me with a small smile as he finished his soda. "You guys alright?" I asked them when we stood in a group, hoping to spark some conversation that would act as a distraction from my 'relationship issues'.

Sam nodded, still grinning; all those years ago, back before I fell for Leah and when Renesmee was still just Bella's 'Nudger', I'd genuinely thought I would never again call Sam Uley a friend. But things had changed, like they always do. He matured and married Emily and had a son of his own, and turned into a far more tolerable and responsible man. Besides, he was another part of the large, extended family that the old Pack members considered each other to be. "Yeah, I'm fine," he answered cheerfully. "Feeling tired just watching him, though." He inclined his head and we all turned to see what he was talking about, though, really, we already knew.

Max, Sasha and Jamie were gathered some feet away on the other side of the yard, giggling as Max and Sash tried to perfect their cartwheels while Jamie applauded enthusiastically. A much brighter, more genuine grin lit up my features at the usual rush of adoration that accompanied the sight of my daughter. All her nervousness seemed to have disappeared – she was smiling and laughing like there was nothing at all wrong with the world, and for a moment I half-suspected that she truly believed it.

Sasha was such an innocent, caring person: Edward said her mind was even purer than Seth's, and she'd never said a bad word about anyone in her life. Sash radiated warmth wherever she went, and I didn't think she'd ever really be able to understand how grateful I was, how lucky I felt to have her in my life. My little girl was the centre of my universe, my best friend and sidekick and miracle, and I already felt a million times better at just knowing she would always be there.

"Tell me about it," Paul replied with a roll of his eyes and a flash of a grin, bringing my affectionate musings to an end. "Me and Rach have had to stop giving Jamie sugar. He gets so hyperactive, it's like trying to live with a hurricane. Rach swears she spends half her time just trying to clear up the house behind him." Like I said, we were all fathers now.

"Seriously, Paul, you're starting to put me off having kids for life..." Well, almost. Paul gave a chuckle at Quil's comment while Sam simply shook his head.

"Trust me, Quil, you'll be a family man eventually," he continued, successfully throwing his empty soda can into the nearby trash bag. Quil only smiled, downing half his cola, and glanced over at his laughing girlfriend.

"Speaking of which," he began, lowering his voice. "I was thinking the other night...I'm going to go to the jewellery store this week. I've got a ring to pick out." We would've cheered, had we not been in the vicinity of the potential-fiancée in question.

"That's great, man!" I said, and I genuinely meant it. Quil just stood and grinned stupidly to himself, the same grin that Sam, Paul and I had all worn when we'd decided to propose. Paul clapped Quil on the back and Sam wished him good luck, and then they were giving him proposal tips.

"Definitely practice a few times beforehand," Sam told him. "And when it comes down to it, just remember to breathe."

"And you might wanna go down on one knee," Paul was saying, "to give it that extra little bit of romance. It's like saying, 'I'm yours', without the words, y'know?" Then he winked, and gave another chuckle. "Seriously, do that, and you're in for an unforgettable honeymoon." I was torn between laughter and typical little-brother horror. Rachel was, after all, still my sister, no matter how long she'd been married to Paul. But, underneath all his jokes and suggestiveness, I knew that he really did love her, and not just because some weird 'act of Fate' told him to – the reason behind Imprinting was now unclear, as each Imprinted member of the Pack had found that after a few years of being human again their connections to their Imprints had actually begun to fade, and eventually broken altogether.

Paul, for example, had had a minor freak out on Jamie's fourth birthday when he realised that his Imprint connection to Rachel was gone. And Quil, whose Break had come just weeks after he met Kelly. Or Jared, for whom the Break had happened on the same day that he found out Kim was expecting again. The time varied, though no one was sure why, but it hadn't mattered in the end. The love was still there for all the couples, just more willingly, and Quil had already known he would only be Claire's big brother anyway.

I decided to wait until later to give Quil any advice. Any mention of my experience with proposing would make them think of Leah, and then they would start asking questions. Questions that I just didn't have the answers to yet. Thankfully, I was saved from nodding along with Sam and Paul by the appearance of Jared and Kim, with Seth and the kids in tow. Jared was helping a very-pregnant Kim into a chair by the time Seth set foot in the yard with Katie in one arm and Rory in the other, and there was a combined shriek of, "_Uncle Seth!_" as my almost-brother-in-law was attacked by three more overly-excited children.

"Woah, it's great to see you too, kids," he said with a smile after he'd been set upon with hugs. Seth then proceeded to greet each of his nieces and nephews individually, picking them up one at a time to give them a hug and comment on how much they'd grown. Before I knew what I was doing, I'd glanced over at Leah to see her reaction. I don't know what I'd expected to see on her face; this was what she'd been missing out on all the time she'd been away – my heart clenched painfully at the thought of the years I'd spent without her, but I fought to ignore it. My attention was soon on something else other than my heartache, though: Leah was fixing her brother with an open-mouthed stare, frozen in her seat. Confused, I looked more carefully. Leah had said she was staying with her Mom, so this couldn't be the first time she'd seen Seth since she came back.

Then it hit me. Leah wasn't staring at her brother. She was staring at the laughing little girl he held in his arms and was telling that she needed to stop being so pretty. Sasha.

XXXXXXXXXX

**LPOV**

Time seemed to stop as soon as I laid eyes on her. I hadn't known she and Jacob were here yet – I'd been forcing myself not to deliberately look for them, instead trying to distract my thoughts by talking to Emily, Rachel and Kelly. It hadn't worked as well as I'd hoped it would. Em and Rach were ecstatic to see me again and Kelly was thrilled to finally meet me, and there had been a lot of explaining to do, but it hadn't felt...right. My smiles had felt just a little too forced, my laughter a little too fake. My mind had been elsewhere, wondering if Jacob was still thinking over his decision, wondering if Sasha knew I was here.

But all my worries had disappeared the second I saw her in my little brother's arms. I knew instantly who she was. She was small for her age, but oh so beautiful – more so than I could ever have imagined. I was completely oblivious to Rachel's eyes on me as I stared, hardly daring to believe that I was seeing my little girl for the first time in seven long years. As I watched, Seth put her down, and with a bright smile she smoothed out her shirt and gazed up at her Uncle fondly. I was suddenly reminded of what Jacob had said about her first smile, and a crippling feeling of guilt immediately filled me as I remembered once again that I'd missed most of Sasha's childhood. I'd missed that first smile, the first laugh, word, steps, first Christmas and birthday, her first day of school...I'd missed _everything_. God, I felt _awful_.

It was terrible enough that I'd left Jacob to fall to pieces and raise a baby on his own, but he wasn't the only one I'd abandoned; did Sasha know that I loved her more than my own life? Or had she grown up secretly believing that her unknown mother held no love for her at all? Just the thought was enough to make tears spring to my eyes, and I was momentarily short of breath.

I'd never forgive myself. Never.

"Leah?" A soft, concerned voice broke into my thoughts, and I looked round to find Rachel watching me with anxious eyes. Emily and Kelly were talking about flowers, something about an arrangement for Sam's cousin's wedding, oblivious to my distress and Rachel's worry. Blinking in an attempt to rid my eyes of tears, I swallowed hard to try and dislodge the lump in my throat.

"I...I'm never going to be able to forgive myself, Rach..." I murmured, voice unsteady. "And if I can't...h-how can Jacob? How...how can _she_?" I had to bite my lip and close my eyes for a few seconds, before I could burst into yet another round of tears.

Rachel sighed quietly, reaching for one of my slightly trembling hands and squeezing it gently. "_You_ know that you were wrong to leave," she replied in a low voice. "And you're sorry. You've explained yourself to Jacob, and you're trying to make it better...there's not much else you can do now except wait." She hesitated. Just for a second, but I sensed it. "I don't know how Jake feels, Lee. I really don't. But he...he needs time. He needs your patience. I'll be honest, there are times when he'll hear your name or we'll be talking about things that happened before you left, and he'll go quiet and distant and...and I'll think that maybe, deep down, he hasn't really healed as well as he seems to have done. He's fairly happy, Leah, but...not in the way that he used to be when he was with you. I..."

Rachel trailed off, her attention suddenly caught by someone else as I carefully checked my eyes, making sure no tears had fallen. "Mommy, guess what Uncle Seth said! Uncle Seth said I'm a big boy now, he said I'm almost as big as Daddy!" I looked up just in time to see Jamie appear, but it was the little person by his side that I noticed first. My breath caught in my throat; she was even more perfect up close.

She didn't seem to notice my presence at first, simply smiling at her cousin's excited babbling. I could see what Jacob had meant about her looking like me, but there was so much of him there too that I wondered how he could hardly see it. From her flawless russet skin and the exact jet black shade of her hair, to the innocent happiness that she exuded effortlessly...it was obvious that she was Jacob's daughter.

She must have sensed that I was staring; her gaze flickered to my face, confusion in her big, chocolate eyes. Eyes that I saw every time I looked in the mirror. Stunned into silence at the fact that I was, after all this time, finally meeting the baby I'd left behind, some part of my shocked brain registered that just gaping at her in surprise wouldn't do any good. So, instead, I tried to smile. It was a small, tentative smile, and I was cautious of taking her by surprise or upsetting her. But then, would she even know that I was her mother?

I was still not exactly sure of just how much Jake had told her about me. Had she seen pictures, home videos? Had she read the letter, understood the vague reasons for my departure that I'd scrawled in less than a minute? Did she suspect that I'd left for other reasons? Had she ever even _asked_?

The chain of her necklace caught the sunlight.

_She keeps your ring on a little silver chain around her neck, never takes it off._

It seemed like an eternity passed, and I was beginning to think that, actually, Sasha had no idea why the unknown lady next to her Aunt Rachel was smiling at her.

But then...then her eyes lit up, and I was hit with the full force of the heart-stopping smile she'd inherited from her father. Something clicked into place when she flashed me that one-of-a-kind grin, brightening up not only her face but the entire atmosphere around her, her eyes twinkling, and I felt my own smile grow before I could help myself. For the first time in seven years, I felt like I belonged. I felt whole.

She knew _exactly _who I was.

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**Soo...this chapter wasn't as depressing as the last one...enjoy it will you can, folks, 'cause Jake and Leah aren't out of the Angst Woods yet! Mwahahaa...as always, reviews are loved, it makes my day to hear from you, and I'm keen to find out what you think :P Is Leah any closer to forgiveness? Does she _deserve _it? What's gonna happen as she tries to reintegrate herself back into Jake and Sasha's lives? I swear on my hugeeee Jacob Black poster that the next chapter will come a lot quicker! 'Til next timee...xxx**


	8. Chapter 7

**Okay, so - first things first, sorry for the delay in updating! School's been wreaking havoc with my writing time again -_-;; Seriously, you'd think that it wasn't even the holidays. And I still haven't done most of the work I've gotta do...darn it all. Though, I _do _think this update came faster than the last one...at least I hope so, because I can't part ways with my Jacob Black poster D: You can't make me! Noooo!****...Anyways...I hope this loooong chapter makes up for the delay ;) My brain has officially turned to gloop. :L Before I forget, I haven't given up on Sweet Escape. I'm just having difficulty with the next chapter (though I don't see why :L), but I'm writing it bit by bit and getting there (Y).**

**Your reviews last chapter were _awesome _- seriously, they all rocked! So thankyou :D. We've still got a ways to go (roughly 13/14 more chapters) and there are lot of things left to happen and issues to be resolved, but I'm glad you're enjoying it :) Okay, I'm babbling.**

**Hope you like this chapter!**

**Em xx**

**Disclaimer: Wait, who owns Twilight, even though I own the characters that you don't recognise and that I made up (;])? Oh, right...Stephenie Meyer does...*dies inside*. **

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**JPOV**

Seeing Sasha meet her mother for the first time was...surreal, to say the least. They didn't speak, only exchanged smiles; but it was enough. For the both of them. For now. The way Sasha's face had lit up was burned into my memory, and I'd known in that instant that, if it was what she wanted, I would try. Even if I never really recovered from the damage that Leah did, I would try to accept her back into my life, at least make myself able to see her on a daily basis without hurting.

If it was what Sasha wanted, then I would try. I'd known from the moment she grabbed my finger with her tiny little hand that I would do anything for her. And, even if it meant more pain and having to adjust, I would still do anything for my little girl.

I wondered when she would ask to see Leah again. She was a naturally inquisitive child, and the smile she'd given her mother left me with little doubt that she would want to spent more time with her. After all, up until just a few days beforehand, Sasha hadn't thought that she would ever meet the beautiful woman that she'd only ever seen in photos. And when Jamie had dragged her off again and Leah looked up at me, meeting my gaze with tears in her eyes and a smile still on her face, I'd forgotten.

I'd forgotten that she left, that I was ever broken, that all our plans of a little house and a small wedding on the beach had gone up in smoke that morning I woke up to find her gone. Just for a moment, nothing had ever changed, and we were happy. We were a family. And I'd smiled back.

Reality came crashing back like a punch in the face the following Monday morning. It was almost time to take Sasha to school and I was wandering around with a bowl of Captain Crunch when the phone rang; curious – because who would have a reason to call that early? – I dumped my now-empty bowl in the kitchen sink and answered on the fifth ring. "Hello?" Sasha giggled from the living room, and I peered round the doorway, a small smile on my lips, to see what was so funny.

"Jacob, hey. It's Steve."

"Oh, hi, Boss. What can I do for you?"

"Darren's called in sick," Steve replied, with a quiet sigh. "Down with that bug that's going round. Anyways, I figured today would be as good as any for you to make up some of those hours, get some time in this morning." _Ah, shit_. He really needed to work on his timing. I knew he expected me to head to work pretty much right away – but how was I going to get Sasha to school? It was way too late to call Cathy now, and it wasn't like I could ask Sue. It was too early in the morning to be bothering her.

"When do you want me in?" I asked, reluctant but not having any other choice. He reeled off a time that meant I would no way on Earth be able to drop Sasha off at school beforehand, before talking about other days when I'd be good to make up the rest of the time, but I wasn't completely listening; not only did I have no one to take Sasha to school, but now I had to find someone to take care of her for an hour _after _school as well. But I agreed to go in and thanked him for calling, because what right did I really have to do otherwise? He'd given me that day, and I'd agreed to make up the time. It would be like kicking him in return for doing me a huge favour.

What about Seth? Would he be up?

It wasn't until I'd hung up and was staring forlornly at the phone, praying for some kind of answer, that I realised. There _was _someone that I could call.

Calling Leah was the only option I had, but still a little stab of pain shot through my chest at the thought of seeing her again. _Man up, Jake_, I scolded myself mentally. _You haven't got any other choice. You're gonna have to deal. _I knew it was the truth. God, if I couldn't even _see _her without struggling to keep it together, what was I going to do when Sash wanted to get to know her Mom better? "Man up, Black," I muttered under my breath, picking up the phone again and dialling Sue's number. Another pang of familiar pain in my heart, courtesy of an old, old memory of Leah yelling those exact same words at me a lifetime ago. Back before I had a child of my own to worry about. Back before Leah and I even fell in love.

I shook my head to clear my mind as I waited for someone to pick up. Things were different, then. We were different. "Hello?" My heart skipped a beat at the sound of her voice, the way it always had done, and probably always would do. But then it fell into the painful ache that I'd lived with almost constantly since she left, and I found myself wanting to have the flutters back, however pathetic they made me feel.

"Uh, hey," I got out, managing to find my voice. "Hey, um...it's me."

"Oh." Her surprise was evident in her voice. Hell, even _I _was surprised that I'd been able to convince myself to call her. "Hi, Jake." I willed myself to ignore the way my name sounded when she said it, though I failed.

"Um, hi. Listen, I...I've got a bit of a problem," I began, not really sure how to ask.

I was almost certain that she would agree, but...would she, really? What if she thought I was hopeless – I mean, to her, it must seem like I'd magically found a way to cope and balance everything for the last seven years. And I still didn't know how she'd react to finding out that Cathy was the only reason why I'd been able to do that, so that really wouldn't help at all. "I...basically, I've gotta go into work early today, and my boss only just decided to let me know. And that means I can't take Sasha to school. And I've also gotta work late tonight, just for an hour, but I've got no one to take care of her, so I was wondering...if...if maybe you wouldn't mind..."

I trailed off, leaving my sentence hanging half-finished in the air, already feeling like an idiot. Leah was silent, so quiet that I could practically the cogs going round as she processed my request. _Damn it all, I should have just told Steve to shove it _– "I'd love to." I was so distracted by my thoughts and the ache in my chest that at first I thought I'd imagined her soft reply.

"Really?" I asked, just to double check. "You wouldn't mind...?"

"Of course I wouldn't." I didn't need to see her face to know she was smiling; holding in a sigh of relief, I ran a hand through my hair and listened to make sure Sasha was still preoccupied with the TV. "When do you need me to come pick her up?"

"Uh...well, as soon as you can get here, really," I answered, wishing the pain in my heart would go away and trying to make myself believe that, even though it hurt, talking to her was actually going well.

"I'll be there in five."

"Okay...I...thanks, Leah." I forced myself to say her name, fighting the longing to murmur an old nickname or a term of endearment, the way I always used to.

"Anytime, Jacob." Some awkward goodbyes and another resigned sigh later, I stood with my face in my hands, wishing it wasn't all so hard.

The idea of the letter had been to get her to come home so that we could _fix _things, but it was becoming clear to me that more often than not the opposite was happening. Sure, Sasha had finally met her mother and Leah was back home – but in return for that the whole thing was slowly torturing me. As if I hadn't been tortured enough. When I was away from Leah I missed her so much that it hurt, longed to see her or hear her voice again. But when I did see her, when I did hear her, it only hurt more. My heart threatened to crumble into smaller pieces and all I could think about was what we'd had, what we'd lost. What she'd done. How I'd suffered.

Sasha saved me from myself.

I heard her footsteps and looked up, managing to compose myself just as she appeared in the doorway. "Hey, honey," I murmured, forcing a weak smile. Sash, wearing light denim shorts and a cute, cream short-sleeved blouse – both of which were picked up by her Aunty Alice, as always – was securing her long, slightly-curling hair in a high ponytail the way Cathy had taught her. Her answering smile didn't quite reach her eyes: she knew something was up.

"You okay, Daddy?" she asked, and I didn't miss the well-hidden concern in her voice. I knew it would be useless to try and lie to her; she was way too smart to fall for that. I tried to smile again, and this time it felt just a bit more real.

Instead of answering right away, I turned and walked to the stairs, sitting down on the third from last step with a small sigh – and I was still just a tad too tall. Still smiling weakly, I gestured with my head for her to come over. "Come here, Baby. Give your old man a hug." That made her smile brighten, the way I knew it would. Without hesitating she crossed the space between us and wound her arms around my neck, hiding her face, her hair tickling my cheek. I returned the embrace gratefully and held her tight, glad for this little piece of reassurance. However simple, it was what meant the most.

"Is it Mom?" I heard her mumble from somewhere near the crook of my neck, and I had no idea what to say or do. I settled for taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.

"Would...would you be okay if...if she took you to school today, Sash? And kept an eye on you for a bit tonight? Just for an hour?"

I hated having to spring this on her with barely ten minutes until she had to go out the door, but it wasn't like I had a choice. I'd make it up to her later, somehow. But, to my surprise, barely a moment or two passed before Sasha nodded, and instantly I felt a little lighter with relief. "Thanks, honey. You're a lot braver than I am, I'll give you that." She laughed quietly, pulling back to look at me with a genuine smile on her face.

"No, you're the bravest," she corrected me cheerfully. "Everyone says so." A grin appeared on my lips and I started to disagree, but she stopped me with a small hand over my mouth. "Uncle Edward says it too," Sasha continued. "So...I win." I didn't think she quite realised what Edward – or everyone else, for that matter – was referring to when they said that, but when she was standing there with me and smiling, it didn't hurt so much to think about it all, and I was grateful for her youthful ignorance. For her, at her age, bravery meant something very different.

It meant knights in shining armour rescuing damsels in distress – or whatever it was they did – and that kid that finally stood up to the older boy who took their lunch money. It meant sleeping without a nightlight and volunteering to answer a hard question in class. And it meant me. I was her Dad. I was supposed to be bravest person in the whole universe. I was supposed to protect her from all the bad things in the world and make sure she stayed safe, no matter what. I liked to think that I was doing a good job of it. And besides, I was actually looking forward to scaring off all her boyfriends.

With a muffled chuckle I rolled my eyes, before gently removing her hand and pressing a kiss to her palm, deciding to keep quiet about who _I _thought was the bravest person I knew. Sasha was too young to understand the reasons why, anyway. She was too young to understand the things Cathy had been through. "I love you, kiddo," I said, pulling her close again for another quick hug. "No matter what happens with your...with your Mom...I'll always be here. Don't you forget that."

"I won't. I love you too, Daddy."

The doorbell rang less than a minute later, and I could make out Leah's form through the patterned glass windows on either side of the door. Reluctantly, Sasha and I broke our hug and she went to go get her bag from the living room. I got to my feet, steeling myself against the inevitable. _Just ignore the pain, Jake. You can do this._ The Leah that I opened the door to was smiling, dressed in simple jeans and a t-shirt, but still she managed to stop my heart mid-beat. A crazy tangle of emotions erupted in my chest and my stomach, everything from happiness and fear to love and regret, longing and nerves. For a moment all I could do was stand there, looking at her, and fight the urge to just reach for her hand and pull her into my arms. _C'mon, snap out of it. Now's not the time._

Right, right...I forced myself to concentrate on fighting and staying focused on the current situation. Everything else could wait until later. "Hey," she murmured quietly, almost shyly, making my heartbeat falter again.

"Hey..." It took several attempts to remind myself _why_ I couldn't give in. I wasn't over what had happened, yet. Tied to everything I felt for her and everything that we could have was also too many bad memories. Too many scars.

I had to work through it, if I was ever going to recover at all.

XXXXXXXXXX

**LPOV**

I hoped it didn't look like I was nervous as Hell. I hadn't even hesitated to agree once I'd managed to convince myself that he _was_ actually asking me to take our daughter to school – I knew I was probably a last resort, the person to call if no one else was available, but I wasn't complaining. I'd take every chance I got to see Sasha again.

Which was actually why I was so nervous. Mostly. I hadn't even spoken to her yet, let alone really spent any time with her, but I'd just set myself up for the most silently uncomfortable day in history. What were we supposed to talk about on the way to school? What were we supposed to _do _while we waited for Jacob to finish work? Not for the first time, I was reminded of just how little I knew about my own child. I didn't know what she liked to do – did she like cartoons like most kids her age, or was she more of a book-worm? Seeing as her Dad was known for once being the best mechanic in the area, and for being able to make a block of wood into a beautiful little trinket with surprisingly skilled hands, I wouldn't be surprised if Sasha was more on the creative side. Maybe she liked drawing? Or...or something?

Oh, I was _so _screwed.

But my fragile kind-of-relationship with my daughter wasn't the only reason why I felt like I was quaking in my boots. The other reason was Jacob himself. I couldn't pretend that standing there on the porch, attempting a conversation with him, was easy. That the guilt in my heart wasn't slowly suffocating me, that I'd had any more sleep than I suspected he'd had. That I wasn't having to force back memories of when we were young and happy and in love.

It was beyond hard, but Rachel was right: I had to wait, give Jacob the time he deserved. I had to hope that this opportunity I was being given to redeem myself wouldn't be my last chance to prove to him how sorry I was for what I'd done. That maybe, one day, I could earn his forgiveness. Some kind of place in his life, even though I didn't deserve it.

He was explaining to me roughly where her school was, when I needed to pick her up and what time he'd be finishing work, when Sasha appeared in the hallway beside him. I couldn't help but feel a little relieved when she offered me a small, shy smile, and tried my best to shake off all the negative thoughts and smile back. "You be a good girl for your Mom, now," Jake said, bending down to kiss the top of her head when she wrapped her arms around him in an attempt at a hug. "I'll pick you up just after four, okay?" She gave a little nod, looking up at him with a much brighter smile, and detached herself from the hug to hoist her bag up a little higher. "Good girl. I'll see you later, Baby."

"See you later, Daddy."

With a surprising amount of energy for that early in the morning, Sasha disappeared past me down the path with an obvious spring in her step, that I doubted had little to do with the warm sunshine or clear sky. I found myself smiling before I could help myself, my mood lifted by the use of her old nickname and the fact that she had obviously inherited the happy-go-lucky part of her father's personality. "Cheerful, isn't she?" I said quietly, watching her climb into the backseat and put on her seatbelt. When I realised that I'd spoken aloud I looked back to Jacob, wondering if he was wishing that I'd leave as quickly as possible, but I was taken aback when I saw that there was a genuine smile on his face. A smile that made my heart stop and then join my stomach in doing crazy somersaults.

"Yeah, she is," he replied, returning the wave that Sasha gave him from the car. Then his eyes came back to me, and while his smile didn't disappear, it definitely became more sober. I could feel my own smile doing the same.

"I'll see you this afternoon, Jake," I said, deciding it was better to leave before the moment could become awkward. He seemed to catch onto my train of thought and nodded.

"Okay. I'll see you later, Leah."

A few silent minutes later, Jacob and the house were out of sight, and I was desperately trying to come up with something to say. Nervously, I glanced up at the rear-view mirror – but Sasha was only sitting there, smiling at me. The corner of my mouth instantly turned up in the beginnings of a grin, and I was about to ask her why she was smiling when she cocked her head to one side, and what she said took me completely by surprise.

"Daddy always said you were beautiful."

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**CPOV**

I couldn't help but wonder where Jake was. He was normally here by now – I found myself hoping that he and Sasha were just running late, although they never were. That nothing had happened. I knew he'd been having a hard time of it lately, ever since Leah came back, and I wished that I could help more, make him feel better; I wasn't going to lie and say that I knew _exactly _how he must be feeling, but I had at least some idea.

Tucking my long, curling hair behind my ear, I allowed myself a brief flash of irritation at the woman who had caused the whole situation in the first place. When Jacob and I had first met, we hadn't been the people that we were now. He'd been stressed and hurting and uncertain of himself, and I...I'd been pretty much the same, really. We'd become friends over the fact that we had both gone through near enough the same thing, even if my situation had been...different.

I shook that thought off immediately. No thinking about that, not ever. The skeletons in my closet had to remain firmly locked away.

If only the same could be said for Jake. As the years had gone by and we grew closer, our friendship stronger, we had both managed to begin the healing process. It had never been easy, especially for Jacob, but we got through it. He helped me find my feet and recover my smile, helped me juggle work and parenthood. And I helped him rebuild his self-confidence, his happiness, and did the best I could when he had trouble balancing his job with looking after Sasha. It wasn't without its faults, obviously. We both had our dark days, moments when we'd forget and accidentally go back to the past again. But the rest of the time, we were fairly happy. It worked. It was enough.

Except now Jake's skeletons had come back to haunt him. In a matter of weeks he'd gone from being his usually-cheerful, still-kinda-broken-but-coping self, to the confused and wounded man that he was now. And I hated to see him like it. He acted like he was okay, for Sasha's sake, but I'd known him too long not to see past that. I knew him too well not to notice the look in his eyes or the moments when he would go distant and quiet.

Even now, years later, it was still beyond me to understand how Leah had been able to leave her family. Just get up and go, out of the blue. It was one thing to leave Jacob. But abandoning her baby...that was another thing entirely. Especially given the fact that Sasha was only a couple weeks old when Leah walked. I didn't think I'd ever understand it. Even though she'd left Sasha with Jacob, it was still beyond my comprehension. How could she have brought herself to do it?

I pictured doing the same thing, leaving Will with David, and went cold.

_Don't go back there, Cathy._

I shook myself mentally. _Skeletons firmly in the closet_._ Where they belong_.I could be brave when I needed to be, but I couldn't face them, not right now. It was easier for me to think about things when I was alone, and had time. Unlike Jake, for whom it was never easy.

When Leah left, she took a part of him with her. It only made it harder for him now that she was back. And one of the worst things was, I didn't think that Leah even knew just quite how badly this was affecting him. He was strong, but when it came to her, so easily broken. Even after all these years, he still loved her. Still was at her mercy. And he hated himself for it.

Not wanting to get worked up, I sighed and pushed those thoughts away. There was no point in dwelling on that now. I'd told Jake that I would be nice, and even if I didn't agree with her excuses or what she'd done, I would be civil. Jacob was my best friend; I'd do it if it would make things just a little easier for him. Besides, it wasn't my place to get involved any more than keeping him smiling. I'd learnt a long time ago that I would do anything to make him happy, that I would always prefer the option that was best for him. And if that meant hoping that he could heal and forgive Leah, that they worked everything out and went back to how they used to be, then I would suck it up and hope my ass off.

"Mom? Mom." I was brought back to Earth by a light tugging on my jacket sleeve. I looked down in surprise, finding Will looking up at me with a confused expression on his face.

"What's up, buddy?" I asked, smiling despite the stuff I had on my mind, and reaching out to ruffle his hair.

"Sasha's here," he murmured, voice conspiratorially low. "But Jake's not with her. Some strange lady is." Trying to be subtle about it, I looked up and followed the direction of his gaze. Sure enough, there was Sasha, accompanied by a woman that I'd only ever seen in pictures. "Sash! Sash, hey!" Will called, trying to get the attention of his best friend. She spotted him and waved, grinning and making her way over. The woman followed her, looking around nervously – she'd been noticed by a lot of people, some of whom stared openly, knowing who she was. The others, myself included, visibly wilted.

She was dressed casually and wearing minimum makeup, but with her glowing copper skin, long, shining black hair and perfectly tall, curvy figure, she looked like she could be a supermodel. I'd never thought that any woman could possibly be as intimidating-ly beautiful as Jacob had described Leah to be, but she was. Next to her I felt about as attractive as...as...well. Dirt.

Leah: +1000.

Cathy: 0.

I was getting the same vibe from everyone else in the vicinity; I noticed that she seemed anxious about all the heads she was turning, probably not realising that not everyone was staring just because she was Leah Clearwater and she was back in La Push. For a moment, I felt a flicker of sympathy for her appear out of nowhere, in complete contrast to my earlier thoughts.

I knew how it felt to be stared at – the rude kind, not the stunned-silent-because-of-her-beauty kind: I had Will when I was just 17. I was the youngest person at the pre-natal classes, and the youngest parent dropping their child off at kindergarten. And I still was the youngest parent here, and I still attracted a lot of judging stares. I was used to it now and it had become easier to ignore once I'd met Jacob, but back then the whispers and the looks picked at my self-confidence and made me doubt myself, something I resented those people for making me feel. There had never been a moment when I didn't love my son, but when I was overhearing mutters and getting the attention of too many prejudiced eyes it was easy to end up feeling embarrassed or ashamed.

And, as begrudgingly as I admitted it, Leah had to be feeling that way now. She'd messed up pretty bad, and she was being judged for it. Part of me, the part that hated Jacob's self-doubt and his tears the most, was almost happy about that in a twisted, karma's-a-bitch way. But the majority of me was a disowned and hurt seventeen-year-old, sympathising with the woman who had made a huge, huge mistake and didn't know how to make it right.

_Damn it all, _I mentally grumbled. _Everything just got harder._

"Hi, Cathy!" Sasha greeted me happily, pulling me out of my thoughts as she finished saying something to Will. I managed a smile, though her infectious cheerfulness made it easy, and returned the hug she gave me.

"Hey, Sash," I said, my smile warmer and negative thoughts gone. "You okay, honey?" I wanted to ask her where her Dad was, but I knew that it would be rude with her Mom standing right there.

"Yeah, I'm great." A moment or two later and she was talking to Will again, wrapped up in an excited conversation about one thing or another.

There was no point in beating about the bush. I took advantage of the kids being distracted to offer Leah a smile. Small, a _tad _forced, but it was a smile. "Catherine," I introduced myself, extending a hand. "I'm a friend of Jake's." She immediately seemed to relax, and a relieved smile started to creep onto her lips.

"Hi," she replied, taking my hand and shaking it once. Her grip was surprisingly firm. She made to continue, but I interrupted to save her any embarrassment in trying to explain who she was.

"Leah Clearwater," I stated for her, still smiling. "I know."

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**JPOV**

Normally, I enjoyed work – I was getting paid for doing something I loved, and it made feel like I was actually providing for my daughter. But today I'd had too much on my mind. I'd been subdued and caught up in my own thoughts all day, and couldn't wait to get home, have dinner and go to bed. Not that I'd get any sleep, anyway.

I sighed as I undid my seatbelt, getting out of the car and making my way up the path to the porch of the Clearwaters' house. I was tired and confused, but I forced a weary smile for Sasha's sake and ran a hand through my hair, hoping I at least didn't look like a zombie. Although I was pretty sure that I had an oil smudge or two on my face...still, I nearly always did when I got back from the garage. Nothing a shower wouldn't get rid of.

I didn't have to wait long after knocking for the door to be opened by Leah. Sasha stood next to her, ready to go. "Alright, Sash?" I asked, my smile becoming more genuine as she grinned at me, before moving to hug me tightly. "Have fun?" She nodded enthusiastically, still grinning.

"Yeah, it was great!" she answered, and out of the corner of my eye I could see Leah's face break into a little smile.

"Good," I replied, thoroughly relieved. "Could you go wait in the car for me, honey? I'll just be a minute."

"Sure." Sasha removed herself from my arms and threw another grin at Leah, brightening the atmosphere just by being happy. "Thank you for having me," she said politely – I allowed myself a moment of pride, for that one – "I had fun."

"It's no problem, sweetheart," Leah replied, still smiling. "I had fun, too."

I waited until Sasha was safely in the car and out of earshot to speak. Now for the hardest part. "Thanks," I began, genuinely meaning it even though this was anything but easy. "For helping out at such short notice. It really saved my ass." Leah gave a little, quiet chuckle, brushing her hair behind her ear. I was instantly reminded of the times when that used to be my job.

"It was no trouble," she said. "I'm glad I could help." I nodded, glancing behind me to where Sasha sat in the car, rummaging round in her bag while she waited patiently. My chest burnt with painful memories and that incurable ache, and the fragments of my re-broken heart were still sharp. It was killing me to be so close to the woman that had managed to break me so badly, even when I had Sasha there to remind me to be strong. It still hurt like it had happened yesterday.

But I would try. For her.

"Leah, I..." I faltered when I looked back at her, realising I had no idea how to phrase what I wanted to ask. Leah watched me with patience and understanding in her eyes, and that almost hurt more than it would to see contempt or anger. Things she could easily feel at my failure to welcome her back with open arms. Swallowing, reminding myself of who I was doing this for, I tried again. "Could we, maybe...talk? Meet up and talk, somewhere?" She didn't smile, only remained silent for a few seconds, meeting my gaze. Then she nodded, just once.

"Of course." I tried not to let my relief show, instead nodding again and telling her that I would call. Maybe, the more we spoke, the less it would hurt. Maybe it would get easier.

_Please...please let it get easier._

* * *

**Phew! So, what do you think's gonna happen now? Skeletons can't stay in the closet forever...let me know what you think in a review, they always make my day! :) Oh, and one more thing - I'm also thinking of bumping the rating to M. Possibly. Maybe. 'Til next time ;) xx**


	9. Chapter 8

**So, it's been waaayy too long since the last update - I'm sorry! I've had so many friggin' exams and am literally dead on my feet! On the plus side, not only am I finishing school in six days (so I will have waaaay more time to write and update ;] ) but this chapter is also _super _long! :P Mwahaha...your reviews for the last chapter were awesome, as usual, so thankyou! Gahh, I hope I haven't bored you all into leaving :S ! I also apologise for any mistakes - it's way too late at night, but I'll come back and correct them when I can. Right, I won't waste your time with mindless babbling - on with the show!**

**Hope you enjoy!**

**Em xx**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight...I just own all the characters that you don't recognise from the books ;).**

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**JPOV**

I was acutely aware of the countless pairs of eyes on me, watching curiously as I sat at one of the benches that were scattered around La Push's interpretation of a park: no climbing frames or other typical park equipment, no sandpit or slide. Instead, the little green area was occupied by several benches, where parents could bring their children for picnics on sunny days and buy ice creams from a tiny stand at one end of the park.

But today the stand was closed up tight, the sky dismal and gloomy with the promise of rain, and the benches were empty. Save for one.

It was hard to keep still, knowing that passers-by and people in stores across the street were all trying to subtly figure out what I was up to. Only Cathy knew why I was here – she'd volunteered to take Sasha for a few hours after school again, so that Leah and I could meet up and talk. Though I wasn't sure that I would actually be able to do much of that, with the nerves twisting my stomach and driving me crazy. I felt sick, terrified and exhausted all at once. Not a good combination when you're about to make a decision that could change lives.

I knew what I was going to tell her. I wasn't healed. I wasn't ready, emotionally, to let her in again. To forgive her. But I had yet to decide the boundaries that I would have to set, and to what extent she would hear of the truth. There were some things that I could definitely not tell her. Like how, since she returned to La Push, I woke up in the early hours at least twice every night in a cold sweat, still murmuring her name and reaching out as if I could make her come back.

It always started with her in my arms, happy and contented. I was smiling and _whole_. I was the man that I used to be. It always ended with her leaving.

Sometimes she left alone. Mostly, though, she left with a faceless man whose hand she never, ever let go of. I'd beg her to stay, get down on my knees and tell her how she was everything, how I couldn't live without her, how I needed her more than I'd ever needed anyone or anything in my life. She would smile, sadly, leaning into the stranger's embrace and looking more content than she ever did when I touched her. She'd apologise –

"_Please don't think that it was because you didn't make me happy. Or because I didn't love you. Please don't think that."_

And then she'd disappear. Fade away into nothing. As if she had never been there in the first place. The worst nightmares were the ones where she took Sasha with her. Not a baby, but a child, she would cling to her mother like letting go would cause her to fall off the edge of the world. My little girl wouldn't come near me. Wouldn't talk to me. I was unknown. I was forgotten.

Just the memory caused my chest to ache painfully, and I closed my eyes, letting my head fall into my hands. It had been a long, long time since I'd considered anyone but Sasha to be my world. Ever since she was just a baby, I'd known that Sasha's love was the only constant thing in my life that made up for her mother's absence. She filled the empty space in my heart that I hadn't even noticed was there until the moment two pink lines changed my life. I was so afraid of losing her. From the moment I first held her in my arms, I knew that I would never fight harder to protect someone than I would my daughter. Aged just 19 I discovered every parents greatest fear; that one day they wouldn't be there, that something irrevocable would happen.

When Sasha was two and she almost fell down the stairs at our then new house, it near enough gave me a heart attack. We'd only moved in a couple days beforehand and were still drowning in boxes, and I hadn't fixed the stairgates on yet; I caught her just in time, so she wasn't hurt. She wasn't even upset that I had interrupted her exploring session so rudely – Sash only giggled and chewed her hand, unperturbed, while I was trying not to have a breakdown. That's the thing about babies. They're so inquisitive and so quick that you have to keep an eye on them all the time. I was later reassured by Sam that I shouldn't beat myself up about it: it happened to every parent, first-timers _and _veterans, and it wouldn't be the last time. I myself had been dropped as a baby by complete accident, with no harm done.

But it scared the shit out of me to say the least, and by the end of that day the stairgates were unpacked and fixed. As the years had gone by and she had grown up, I'd forced myself to tone down the protectiveness a bit. I made myself accept that I couldn't watch her all the time, that she would get bruises and scrapes, and that that was just part of growing up. She was a sensible girl for her age, and William was fairly responsible too. I knew that whenever they were off playing out of sight they would be careful. Cathy and I were always having to remind ourselves that they wouldn't let anything happen to one another.

But I would always be afraid of losing her. I was already dreading the day that she would leave home, and the day that she would decide she didn't need her old man anymore. If, one day, Sasha told me that she wanted to be with Leah, to go live with her mother, I knew that I would let her.

It would kill me to let her go, but I would let her. If it made her happy.

Which brought me back to the task that I was currently faced with.

I was broken, and not ready to forgive Leah yet. God, there were moments where I wanted to sweep her into my arms and kiss her like I'd never see her again. But then there were the moments when the thought of trusting her with my heart, of giving her everything again, filled me with fear and brought back memories so painful that it was suffocating. That was no sign to let her back into my heart. Still, Sasha deserved the chance to get to know her mother, the way I knew she wanted to. And that meant that I would still have to interact with Leah on a regular basis, and I would have to deal with any pain that caused me.

Maybe...Maybe, in time, I could begin to move on. I could begin to forgive. To let go.

Until then, this was my reality. And I had no choice but to face it.

Still painfully nervous, I checked the time on my cell phone. _Four thirty_. She should be here any minute now. It might have sounded mean, but I just wanted to get it all over and done with as quickly as possible. Being in Leah's presence was hard enough, and I could tell that no matter what happened this Talk was going to be emotionally draining. Already I wanted to go home and stay there. Not to mention the fact that Sasha was only at Cathy's until six, and I had to be back in time for Cathy to drop her off. What a great start.

Suddenly, I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. Looking up, I found Leah walking towards me across the otherwise empty park, arms folded across her chest to keep her jacket still in the light breeze; she was dressed simply, in jeans, sneakers, a t-shirt and a jacket, her hair falling silky and untouched past her shoulders. As she approached I was able to see that she wasn't wearing any makeup, save for what looked like a light touch of mascara. Or something. Something that made her already attention-grabbing chocolate eyes look even more emphasized. Or maybe it was me, unable to tear my gaze away from their anxiety-filled depths as I got to my feet with the intention of meeting her halfway.

There weren't any awkward greetings. We didn't mumble 'Hi' or ask how the other was. The only words spoken were my own, when I finally found myself standing in front of her and knew that it was now or never. "Do you want to go somewhere more private?" I asked, glancing over at the various people going about their daily business across the street, most of whom looked over several times on their way past.

Leah only nodded once in reply.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Jacob, please say something. You're scaring me."

_I didn't mean to frighten her, but the only thing I'd been able to get out was her name. My fingers were clutching the little velvet box tightly in my hand, keeping it hidden in my pocket, but I was too nervous, too choked up from the emotional speech that I had just made about how much she meant, how important she was; the lump in my throat was making it impossible to follow up her name with that life-changing question, "Will you marry me?" –_

"I'm sorry," I apologized, and it came out as barely more than a murmur. But the murmur seemed unbearably loud in the suddenly small space. Outside, the waves crashed and rolled, like a mirror image of how I was feeling on the inside. This was the most private place I could think of: inside my car, on First Beach. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but now...now that we were actually here, the Beach was anything but peaceful.

Once upon a time I'd associated the spot with Bella. Associated the whole beach with friends and laughter and long summer days and crazy beach parties. But not anymore. Now First Beach only reminded me of Leah; the clearest memories now at the forefront of my mind were of me and her here. Me and her before we were together, mending our hearts piece by piece with honest conversations on the sand. Me and her chasing each other through the surf, her laughter and my lips on hers as I held her tight to stop the crashing waves from knocking her over. Me and her promising to bring our baby here. To make more happy memories.

Sasha had never been to First Beach. Which seemed ridiculous considering the fact that it was a favourite haunt of almost every child on the Reservation, and had been for generations. But I just hadn't been able to face taking her here. Not when the very thought of the place reminded me of Leah. It was hard enough looking at my daughter every day and seeing so much of her mother in her, in those large chocolate eyes that I'd seen every morning when I woke up to the woman who was the centre of my universe.

Beside me Leah was silent, waiting for me to continue, but part of me was screaming that this was a very, very bad idea, that I should turn and run and go home and hide under my bedcovers like the wounded boy I felt. Blaring sirens trying to get my attention and tell me that this was all too fast, all too soon. I wasn't ready. This would end in heartbreak. But I _had _to do this – I wouldn't let myself back out now, not when this Talk would make or break everything. There were so many things I needed to know, and so much that I needed to say; I _owed _it to Sasha to try.

_C'mon, Jacob. You can do this. _I pictured my daughter's smiling face, then pictured the numerous different outcomes that this decision could have. Imagined what else could happen if I _didn't _man up and do this. And I knew that I couldn't put it off any longer.

"We can't carry on like this, Leah." My voice came out surprisingly quiet, sounding steadier and more assertive than I'd expected. For a split second, I thought I saw Leah flinch out of the corner of my eye, but I forced myself to ignore it and kept my gaze fixed on the waves. "This...this thing that we're doing...we can't do this anymore. _I _can't do this anymore." I sensed rather than heard her breath hitch when I paused, taking a subtle deep breath of my own. I hurried on, knowing that if I didn't say it now then I never would. "I can't just leave it..._us_...hanging in the air like this. Every time we meet I don't know how to act, I don't know what to say, because it feels like all the lines are blurred and I can't...I _can't _do it..."

I wasn't even sure if she'd heard me properly, it all came out so fast; the words tumbled out of their own accord and I trailed off, not really knowing how else I could phrase this...pretending. I couldn't keep up that front. I couldn't keep pretending to be okay, when inside I was anything but. "So you _don't_ love me." She whispered the words, so quietly that I barely heard them even though she was right next to me. My chest already felt constricted with the painful ache that had settled heavily over my heart, but a stronger jolt thudded through me at her assumption, and the unmasked hurt in her voice. Distantly, a part of me registered that I was stupid to feel like this, to feel guilty for making her hurt – after everything I had gone through because of her, it seemed ridiculous that I should even care that I was causing her pain. She'd brought it on herself, by walking out the way she did.

But I wasn't that man. I didn't have it in me to be so heartless, even when she'd broken me first.

"Leah, I – "

"No, Jacob, it's alright." She was refusing to look at me, staring out at the ocean with her arms wrapped around herself, visibly trying to keep her composure. "It's alright, I should have known, I don't deserve you after what I did. I'll go – "

"Lee, _wait_." I reached out as she moved to open the door, and stopped her with a hand on her arm without even thinking about what I was doing. We both froze instantly.

The silence that fell over us was suffocating, weighing down my lungs, making my breaths come out unsteady and hushed. I don't know why she froze. Maybe it was because _I _had been the one to touch _her_, this time. Maybe it was because she wondered _why_ I didn't want her to go. Or maybe, like me, she stilled because she knew that this could be the very last time I would ever touch her. Slowly, almost as if she were afraid to move, Leah lifted her head and met my gaze, her chocolate eyes wide. Her expression was one of surprise, but there was a single tear track drying on her cheek; my heart was thudding so loudly that I was almost certain she could hear it too. Damn it - why did she have to take her jacket off? _God, why am I so powerless?_

Her skin was burning the palm of my hand like fire, but it wasn't like the burn of the wolf days; this burn was different, the effect of it having been so long since I'd been able to touch her properly. Her skin was so soft and I found myself wanting to touch her the way I'd once been able to, slide my hand further up her arm, feel the curves that motherhood had enhanced, remind myself of how it felt to feel her under my fingertips and know that she was mine. It was a burn that squeezed my chest and turned my blood to fire and curled like smoke in the pit of my stomach.

_Ah, shit_. I swallowed hard, all of a sudden very aware of how small the space was and how the temperature had abruptly trebled. It had been years since I'd last...and damn it all, did she know how torturous it had been for me? I was still young and hot-blooded and there were still things I wanted; I had spent the last seven years alone in more ways than I supposed she'd even thought about, because I'd _promised _her. Because she'd asked and I was too in love to say no.

"_Oh, _Jacob_..." I'd never get tired of hearing it, never get tired of her under my hands and in my lungs and my ears and my mind and _everywhere_. Her face was flushed, racing heart matching mine beat for beat, biting her lip at my feather-light touches and searing kisses; she kept me impossibly close, her hold tight and almost desperate, like she thought I would disappear – but God, I swore I never would, had never known it more than in these moments where we were tangled and trembling – _

She'd just waltzed right back in and messed my head up and broken me even more and left me terrified and confused and aching and it was _too fucking much_.

The realisation hit me like I'd just had ice cold water thrown over my head, and I let go of her arm instantly. "This is exactly what I'm talking about," I muttered, running a hand through my hair in agitated frustration. "I'm not the same man as I was when you left. Hell, I wish I could be, but I'm not. You left and it changed _everything_, Leah, everything." I covered my face with my hands, letting out an irritated breath. I couldn't tell what was making me more frustrated: myself, or the situation I was in. Leah was silent; I could see her watching me out of the corner of my eye when I removed my hands, but I kept my gaze fixed on the beach before us. If I concentrated hard enough, maybe I could go back to the boy that I had once been. Maybe I could turn back time and make Leah see that I loved no one more than her, that I wouldn't Imprint.

Deep inside, part of me blamed myself for this. I should have made her go see Carlisle. I should have realised that the problem was more serious than just unbalanced hormones.

"Tell me."

Her whisper was so soft that I barely caught it, but those two words were enough to make me look up at her in a mixture of surprise and confusion. Leah sat with her body half turned towards me, a determined edge to her posture and expression, pain and acceptance in her eyes. "Tell me everything," she whispered again, in answer to the unspoken question I was certain I wore on my face. "Please. I need to know what I've done. I need to know how to fix this." Her request caught me off guard, and made me return to the inner battle that I'd been fighting with myself ever since she came back.

_Tell her the truth. Make her hurt as much as you do._

_Lie. She's part of you. No one should ever have to feel that pain._

It was only now that I understood why I hadn't been able to make a choice between the two options; I _couldn't _have one or the other. Leah would always be a part of me, regardless of what happened now...but I couldn't lie to her. She would see right through me, the way she'd always done, and besides, I...I just...couldn't. I couldn't lie to her about what she'd put me through.

For the last seven years I'd hoped and wished every single day that Leah would come back. I'd longed to hear her voice again, missed her touch and wanted her to come home so badly that it physically hurt. I'd lain awake night after night and dreamt of the day she showed up out of the blue on my doorstep, dropping abruptly back into my life. I'd open the door and there she'd be, in all her unforgettable beauty, and she'd fall into my arms and she'd cry and tell me why she left, tell me some perfectly acceptable reason that explained _everything_. I'd accept it and forgive her and kiss her and we'd put it all behind us, because I loved her and she loved me and that was all that mattered. I definitely hadn't pictured a letter or a phone call or an awkward meeting. I hadn't pictured the two of us sitting opposite one another at a kitchen table and trying to figure out where and why it had all gone wrong. I hadn't thought that the tears of regret wouldn't just be hers.

I couldn't lie. What I would say would hurt her...but she'd asked for the truth. And I still couldn't say no.

Resignation weighing heavy on my heart, I took a deep breath and let it out as a quiet sigh. _There's no avoiding it. It was always going to come down to this_.

"I never said that I didn't love you," I whispered, fighting the urge to look at her. "You were my best friend, my Beta, my fiancée, my soulmate, the mother of my child...some part of me will always love you. But, like I said, when you left...everything changed. _I _changed." Painful memories were bubbling to the surface, but I couldn't hide, not this time. I couldn't pretend any longer. "When I woke up and found your note, it was like the world just caved in on itself. At first I...I was just...scared...so scared that something would happen to you, so scared that you wouldn't come back..." I swallowed again, deliberately looking down at my lap so that she wouldn't be able to see my eyes. I wouldn't let myself break, not again.

"Once it sank in, I...that's when it got worse. I wasn't sleeping, wasn't eating – I missed you so much, Leah, so much it hurt, and I was terrified about looking after Sasha because I was just this...this _kid _who had no experience and no money...It didn't stop after I got it together, either. I kept forgetting that you were gone. I kept waking up and moving to pull you closer or kiss you and finding that you weren't there, and it'd be agony all over again..." Even after all these years, the memories stung, burned the pieces of my broken heart and made it hard to breathe –

_I was woken by a familiar cry. "Leah, it's your turn." The wailing didn't stop, only growing more insistent and slightly louder, and I sighed and opened my eyes and for a minute my heart stopped. I was out of bed in a moment. She stopped crying the second I picked her up, holding her ever so gently in my arms, careful because she was so tiny and seemed so fragile, and I was making soothing noises and rocking her slowly like I'd been doing it all my life. She wasn't hungry. She didn't need changing. That was a different kind of wail. "It's okay, Baby. I'm here." Somehow, I think she knew. She knew that her mother was gone._

_Thankfully the mattress didn't squeak too loudly as I sat down, hoping I hadn't woken Sue or Seth up. My daughter made another one of her quiet mewing noises and nudged closer into my chest, her little breaths soft against my skin, but she seemed a lot calmer now that she knew I was there. That I hadn't left, too. Her tiny hand reached out and touched my face, narrowly missing swiping one of the tears that had escaped. I'd said her name without even realising it. The thing that made it hardest to breathe?_

_I'd actually expected a reply._

_I kept forgetting that she was gone. Sometimes I was sure that I'd seen her out around the Reservation, or that I'd caught a glimpse of her going into the living room or standing at the kitchen sink. Sometimes I had to remind myself of what she'd asked before I could phase and run the length of the country until I found her. Sometimes I caught myself starting to wonder if life without her was really worth it anymore._

_I couldn't keep doing this. It wasn't healthy, not when I was holding on to the fragments of my dying heart by a thread. Sooner or later, I had to get it together – _

"It was so hard, but I kept going, for Sasha's sake. I kept telling myself that one day you'd come home, that we'd be a family again. And then eventually I had to stop, because it hurt too much. I moved in with Dad for a few months – I thought that, maybe, if I wasn't surrounded by reminders of you all the time, it wouldn't hurt so much. Only I was wrong. Every time I looked at Sasha, I saw you. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw you. You were everywhere. And I just...I got to the point where I couldn't keep doing that anymore."

Tentatively, I licked my lips. Leah was still watching me, and I closed my eyes against the onslaught of bad memories. It didn't work. They were still there, like they always had been. "The Cullens bought the house when Sasha was two. They said it was a 21st birthday gift, but I know that they just wanted to help me out. I got a job, because I insisted on paying all the bills and supporting my daughter myself...raising Sasha...it meant that I had a lot less time to think, but I still thought about you. All the time. Then years had gone by and I was...content, I suppose. I was coping. I missed you and still hoped every day that you'd come home, but most of the time I...I was actually happy."

Looking up, I met Leah's gaze with honesty in my eyes, and refused to let myself look away. She'd wanted to hear this, after all. "Every time I look at you, I remember what it was like to live without you, how much it destroyed me to have you break my heart. I remember everything, Leah, I remember it all, and it hurts _so much_..." I bit down on my lip as my voice started to waver. No. I had to be strong for this. I couldn't carry on this way – I couldn't continue to be so helpless before her. So weak in the face of my past. "That's why I can't do this anymore," I continued once I was sure that my voice would be steady, though my fight to hold it together reduced it to a whisper once again. "Love isn't supposed to hurt, not like this. It's _killing _me."

My heart thudded painfully in my chest, each beat seeming to tear at the stitches and rupture the wounds that I had tried so hard to adjust to. The taste of iron stung the tip of my tongue, and for a moment I panicked – had real damage been done, this time? Had the roughly-stitched shards of my heart finally made a stab too many?

In attempting to keep a grip on myself I'd bitten my lip too hard; I mentally cursed the sting and ran my tongue over the offending cut, resisting the urge to grimace at the taste. Another reason to miss the wolf days. I ignored Leah wiping at her tears, knowing that she wouldn't want any sympathy that I found it in me to give. "I'll do anything to make it up to you, Jacob," she murmured, tears that she'd failed to catch still glistening on her skin, pulling her hair back so that it tumbled over one shoulder and she could look at me without it threatening to fall in her eyes. "Anything. Just tell me what you need from me, and I'll do it."

For a moment, I hesitated. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't wish I wouldn't wake up to that to that awful, always-empty side of the bed, where the mother of my little girl should have been sleeping. Had we gotten our happy ending.

Only life isn't a fairytale. And Leah wasn't mine anymore.

I didn't know how she'd react, what she'd think...but she'd asked it of me, and it was only fair that I was able to ask it of her..."Time. I need time." There was a pause, and I began to wonder if she would say no – but when I gathered my courage and glanced over, she was nodding. Silent, and wiping at more tears, but nodding. "I just need us to start over...be...be friends, so that I can move past this. I need to learn how to trust again, and learn how to forgive you, and I just...please," I finished, wishing I wasn't so bad at explaining how I felt.

"You waited for me, Jake," Leah whispered, "I'll wait for you. No matter how long it takes. I...I won't hurt you again..." I nodded, just once, holding in a little sigh of relief. I'd done it. I'd set the boundaries.

We lapsed into silence once more, the both of us now gazing out at the beach and the ocean. I couldn't help but try and guess what she was thinking about. Was she remembering the old times, too? Those happy memories that it hurt more to hold on to than to let go? Out of the corner of my eye I could see that she was toying with the sleeve of her jacket in her lap again; something was worrying her, something that seemed to have only just occurred to her – "What about Sasha?" Leah suddenly, looking up at me. Her question caught me unawares, and when I looked over at her in surprise the expression she wore hit deep, striking a nerve. I knew that look of anxiety on her face; it was the same anxiety that I felt whenever I thought about Sasha wanting to go live with her mother, that I felt whenever I thought about losing her. Leah was scared, the way only a parent could be.

"I'd never make you stay away from her, Leah," I answered quietly, holding her gaze and thrown by how deeply I empathised with her fear. Her chocolate eyes were wide, anxious, and I knew that she had been expecting me to ask her to keep a distance from the daughter she'd only just met. The harshest punishment that I could exact. "I've never wanted to," I continued. "You can see her whenever you'd like...as long as it's what she wants. She's always loved you. I wouldn't take that away from her. From either of you." Leah didn't nod. She didn't smile. She didn't even look immensely relieved, like I'd expected her to. Instead, fresh tears spilled over and ran down her cheeks, and she looked away, covering her mouth with her hand, presumably to hold back any sobs.

Not knowing what else to do, before I could help it I'd reached out and covered her other, surprisingly cold hand with my own and squeezed gently. The contact sent sparks up my arm, but I pushed that thought away; for now, all that mattered was that we finally knew where this was going. She would wait for me – I'd heal, eventually, learn how to trust again somehow. I'd learn how to not feel pain whenever I remembered what had happened. And then we'd go from there.

A few moments, several sniffs and a shuddering breath later, Leah removed her hand and opened her eyes, her features relaxing as she took another deep breath. "Thank you," she whispered. "Thank you." I nodded again, and – trying to be polite about it – I gave her hand a final squeeze and let go. The ache in my chest eased a little, and breathing became easier. "You should be so proud, Jake," Leah continued, a ghost of a smile appearing on her lips as she returned her gaze to the beach before us. "You've done so well...she's so beautiful, so polite...and she's so _clever_."

"I know," I murmured in reply, and soon the corners of my mouth were turning up to match hers.

"Could...could you...it's so...but would you mind...could you tell me about her?" Leah peered up at me from underneath her eyelashes, chewing her lip again, her smile faltering just a little with worry. I simply looked at her for a few seconds, thinking. What must it be like, knowing nothing about the child she'd always wanted? The daughter that had loved her without even knowing who she was?

"She loves Scooby Doo," I began, still looking at her. "She never says a bad word about anyone – she knows the Cullens aren't blood, and sometimes I think she knows that they're not even human, but she considers every one of them family. Her first word was 'Daddy'. Her favourite colour is yellow, she loves to draw and she has better manners than I do." Leah let out a chuckle, and I felt a smile grow on my lips, deciding to continue. "She trusts easily, loves unquestioningly, loves to read, and she has two sets of godparents."

"Who?" Leah asked curiously, the soft smile returning to her face.

"Embry and Anna," I answered, also still smiling. "And Rosalie and Emmett."

"Rosalie?" Her expression abruptly turned to one of surprise, her eyebrows shooting up. "I thought you guys hated each other?" I shook my head, thinking back to the day where I asked Rosalie to be Sasha's godmother, and how she'd reacted so unexpectedly: I'd been cut off in the middle of explaining how, if something happened to me and Embry and Anna were unable to take care of my daughter, I knew that Rosalie would keep her safe and raise her right – Emmett had worn the brightest grin I'd ever seen him wear as a blur shot forward and Rosalie reappeared, embracing me as tightly as she could without causing any harm. It was the strangest thing that had ever happened to any of us, and Rosalie and I had been anything but enemies ever since.

"Those days are long since over," I replied, trying not to think about how fast time seemed to go. Some days, it still felt like the blonde jokes and dog bowl times were only yesterday.

"She's so kind," Leah continued after a few moments of silence. "She's so much like you, Jacob. She has your heart."

"She has your courage, though. Your eyes. And I'm pretty sure that once she hits her teens, Sash will _definitely_ have your attitude."

Leah laughed, and for once – just once, just for a second – it didn't hurt so much to hear it. It felt...good. "I wouldn't be surprised," she admitted. "But you'll keep her on the right path, Jacob. She's surrounded by a family that completely adores her, and that little boy from her school that she's friends with seems genuinely loyal. She'll be okay." I was about to agree, when I remembered. Leah had taken Sasha to school the other day. Which meant...she must have met Cathy and William.

Mentally, I cursed having to work those extra hours. _So much for keeping Cathy out of this_.

"Catherine seems nice, too," Leah was saying, slowly. "Sasha called her 'Aunty'..."

"She's my best friend," I explained, in answer to Leah's unspoken question: 'Who is she?' I wasn't prepared to lie about my relationship with Catherine, just to set Leah at ease. We were close, and she was important to me. After everything we'd been through and everything she'd done for me, I wouldn't be able to look her in the eye again if I denied that. "Her son, Will, and Sasha have been inseparable ever since they started school."

"So...you...you don't...?" Part of me didn't think I should answer that question. Didn't think that Leah deserved an answer. She'd admitted to being with several other men in the time that she'd been away – and yet here she was, asking me if I had feelings for _one _other woman? I hated to feel so irritated, considering how light the mood had been a few moments ago. But now reality returned, and my guard was up again before I knew what was happening.

"Cathy fell pregnant when she was seventeen," I replied, trying my best not to let my annoyance show. "Her boyfriend...she wanted to leave, but she couldn't. She wasn't on speaking terms with her parents anymore, because of him. And David, he...he shouted at her a lot. Kept calling her things, reminding her that she was worthless...it took her years to get over the verbal abuse, because she _believed _him. Anyway, he found out she was pregnant, and he left, and she was all alone – her family had disowned her, and all of a sudden she had to raise Will and go through everything on her own." I let out a sigh, running a hand through my hair. "She understood what I was going through. She still understands. And I'm...I'm the closest thing Will's ever had to...well...a father figure, I suppose, or any kind of male influence. I'm like his uncle. And Catherine, she's the closest thing that Sasha's ever had to a..."

I didn't finish that sentence. "I mean, what was...what _am_...I going to do when Sasha hits puberty? Catherine's someone that can...well, y'know...explain everything, and just...be there for her to talk to." I was digging myself a hole here. Now that Leah was back, she'd undoubtedly want the role of the female influence in Sasha's life. She'd want to be the one to talk to her about boys and changes...general girl stuff. She'd feel like it was her job as her mother – _her mother, who's been absent her whole life_ – to do all that, even though Sasha loved Cathy and trusted her and had known her far longer than she had Leah. "My point is, she's kept me sane all these years. She's important to me. To me _and _Sasha."

When I finished Leah's eyes were on the beach, as if she were watching the waves continue to roll and crashed, unperturbed by problems or emotions of any kind. She seemed far away somehow. Like she wasn't watching the ocean at all, instead caught up in a memory of another time. Another life.

A few minutes of not-quite-awkward silence passed, before she finally spoke.

"I'd better get going," she murmured, offering me a hint of a smile. "I promised Emily I'd call her – her friend Amy's having a hen night out in Port Angeles, but she's new in town and doesn't really know anyone. Em's getting all of us girls to go." For what felt like the millionth time that day, I nodded, not wanting to speak for fear of saying something that would worsen the already tense atmosphere. Without saying a word I reached and turned the key in the ignition; the engine came to life immediately, and the relative silence of the beach was disrupted. "And...Jacob?" I looked to her, finding that her smile had grown just a fraction stronger. But there was a different emotion behind it, this time. It was a sadder smile. Less relaxed. "For what it's worth...I'm glad that you weren't alone."

XXXXXXXXXX

I resisted the urge to run a hand through my hair as I rang the doorbell, standing on the porch of Cathy's little house in the semi-darkness. I was exhausted, emotionally and physically, and in need of sleep. A _lot _of sleep. The Talk had taken a lot of out me, but I supposed it was worth it. At least I had a measure of control, now, over the situation. I wasn't completely helpless.

I heard faint footsteps and looked up just as the door opened, and Cathy appeared. "Hey, Jake," she greeted me cheerfully, throwing me one of those reassuring smiles that never failed to offer some degree of comfort. "Sash's just getting her bag and Will's showing her his perfected handstand. You wanna come in for a sec?"

"Sure," I replied, pushing my hands into my pockets. "It's getting kinda cold out here." She stood back to let me in, and closed the door against the breeze once I was inside. Catherine's house was small, more by choice than by necessity. The front door opened on to the living room, with a door on the left leading to the kitchen and a staircase on the right that led upstairs. It had a smaller front and back lawn than Sasha and I's house did and the rooms weren't as big, but it made up for with its warmth. There had always been something inviting and homely about Cathy's house, that set it apart from any other.

"You look tired," she murmured, turning to face me and lowering her voice so that the kids wouldn't hear upstairs. Her hair was tied up as usual, with some loose, curling tendrils here and there – she brushed them behind her ear, pulling her cardigan closer around her and folding her arms across her chest. The happiness in her kind blue eyes was disappearing, replaced by concern as a little crease of anxiety crept onto her forehead. "Did it go okay?" I didn't like it when Cathy worried; she was usually so bubbly and upbeat, and the look of concern didn't suit her.

"As okay as it could've gone, I guess," I answered quietly, rubbing my face with my hand for a moment to try and wake myself up. I'd spent so much of the last few hours drifting in and out of memory and reality, that wondered if I would even have any mental energy left to dream tonight. "I think that at the minute I'm just...I just need some normality, for a change. The last couple weeks have been nothing but worry and confusion and one great, big pain-fest..."

Her hand instinctively found my much larger one, squeezing gently in an attempt at comfort. That was the thing about Cathy – she was always keeping me in touch with reality, reminding me of who I was on the inside. She knew when I needed reassurance and when I needed to be left alone. Cathy knew I wasn't all the things that my problems and troubled past made me feel like I was; I was just...Jacob. And it was enough. "You'll be okay, Jake," she told me, the corner of her mouth turning up in a ghost of her warm smile. "Leah loves you – she'll wait for you to get through this. It'll all be okay." And, as always, she made me feel better, just like that. The ache in my chest faded away and the tiredness ebbed back in and I was Just Jacob again, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like everything might actually be alright. I gave her hand a gentle squeeze back, feeling a small smile appear on my lips. Cathy always knew how to stop the pain.

It wasn't until I woke up at three am with tears rolling down my cheeks that the worry in the back of my mind started to come back. _She'll wait for you to get through this_.

_I need to learn how to trust again, and learn how to forgive you..._

It seemed like we'd all missed one terrifying possibility:

_What if I can't?_

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**Phew, that chapter took me a while! What did you think? :S What do you wanna see more of? Have you changed your opinions of different characters? What do you think's gonna happen? Although I should warn you, I'm whipping out the drama for the next chapter...*evil laugh* Also - I've changed my penname, obviously :L It felt like the other one took half a century to say/spell and it felt like time for a change :). And I don't know whether or not to bump the rating right now or not, though it might get bumped in the future anyways...what do you guys think qualifies as 'strong coarse language?' :L I have no friggin' idea, I personally curse _way _too much. Anywho, let me know what you think! 'Til next time ;) xx**


	10. Chapter 9

**As always, sorry for the delay in updating - I was meaning to get Chap. 38 of Sweet Escape out first, but I was so busy with general life dramas, and then I started writing this and I've been up til at least half three every morning trying to finish it :L I'm not even sure how long it is now - fanfic tells me that before this A/N it was already 13,190 words, but Word tells me its 12,536. Whatever it is, I hope it makes up for the delay! The next chapter definitely won't be as long, but I'll get working on it as soon as I can. The reviews for last chapter were all amazing, as usual, so thankyou :)! They always make my day. Anyways, I'll quit babbling.**

**Hope you enjoy!**

**Em xx**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, I own the characters that I made up. Christina Aguilera owns the song quote.**

* * *

**JPOV**

The fear stayed with me, unshakable for the rest of the week. All these decisions, all the plans that were being thought of and made – they were all based around the assumption that I _would _be able to forget. I _would _be able to move on and forgive her. It wasn't like I hadn't ever considered the alternative. Seven years was a long time, and many of the sleepless nights had seen my waking moments filled with confused half-thoughts, a never-ending barrage of 'what if's that cut across and interrupted one another and kept my exhausted mind busy when the nightmares became too much to face. I'd lingered on the idea a few times, especially in the aftermath of sending the letter. But never before had the ugly possibility seemed so probable, so close to becoming a reality.

I wasn't a child anymore, but in many ways I was still painfully naive. I hadn't thought that it would be _this _hard if Leah ever decided to come back. Difficult, yes: but in my tired musings I'd always thought that my feelings for her would make it easier, somehow. That the fact that I still loved her would make it easier to forgive her for what she'd done – because that was how the story was meant to go, wasn't it? _Love conquers all. And they lived happily-ever-after._

Love was always what fixed our problems in the past, what gave us the strength to stay together even when we were under the prejudiced scrutiny of the rest of the community and Reservation. Love was what stopped us from caving under the stress and what caused all our ridiculous little arguments over TV and food and misunderstandings to end in heated kisses or the sweetest of embraces. On more than one occasion it was the kicking shut of our bedroom door that ended any fallouts. But this was no silly argument about who lost the remote, who ate all the chips or who let slip something a bit too personal. I couldn't grab her and kiss her and heal instantly. There were no bedroom doors to kick shut. This couldn't be resolved by, "You're so hot when you're angry" or passionate Make-Up Sex. This could never just be 'water under the bridge'.

I'd been naive. Naive and wrong, to ever imagine or fantasize that it could be.

I turned up the water until it was almost scalding, blinking hard several times, water dripping from my eyelashes. The hotter it was, the more it felt like the memories were burning away. The feeling wouldn't last, I knew that. It never did. But for now, just for a few minutes, it was enough to evaporate some of the fear and worry that was haunting me. It was enough to make me start to forget how her skin and her hands and her lips felt, how her lashes brushed her cheeks, how her smile made my heart falter for the briefest of moments and then struggle to start up again.

I could have kissed her. I could have kissed her, in the car. It would have been so easy to close the gap between us, cave in. I wished I could believe that giving in to my physical needs would solve the emotional problems. That if I could so much as feel her lips on mine, just once, just for a second, I would be okay. That the wounds I bore would vanish like they had never been inflicted in the first place. But I knew they wouldn't.

So I blinked again, squeezing my eyes shut tight, and tried to forget. I didn't need this, not now. Not on top of all the other things I was having to deal with. Years from now, no matter the outcome of this, I wanted to be able to know without a doubt that I had made the right decisions, the right choices. That I hadn't made the wrong decision simply because I couldn't get a grip on my physical wants. _Just forget it, Jake_, I told myself. _Ignore it. Be a man, for God's sake._ It wasn't helping, not when I couldn't have felt like any less of a man. My ego had sustained serious damage all those years ago, and Cathy, even as my best friend, could only do so much. My fiancée had left me, only to sleep with other men in the time that she was away. Meanwhile I'd been avoiding anything like that with any other women, and now I was paying the price: the sexual tension was only making things worse. And now, I was too emotionally unstable to accept that fiancée – or, rather, ex-fiancée – back into my heart. And if I didn't manage to heal, I wouldn't ever find someone else. Women wouldn't be interested, not when I had Sasha to look after. Not when I had both emotional and physical 'baggage'. I felt stupid. I felt pathetic. I felt _weak_.

It had to stop, I decided. All this self-pity, this uncertainty – it had to stop. I was twenty-six years old. I would _not _waste my life. I had a daughter to look after, a job to hold down, a house to pay for; I was a man now, and real men didn't run or hide from their problems. I had to keep it together. If not for the sake of my sanity, then for Sasha.

_I'll wait for you. No matter how long it takes. I...I won't hurt you again..._

She'd meant it, there was no denying that. It was as good as a promise. _I won't hurt you again. _But Leah had broken promises before. A lot of promises. Promises that I had been stupid enough to believe, to let into my heart. Promises that I had let shape my life. Leah had promised me forever, and she had walked. She had promised that she would cry far too much on our wedding day, out of sheer happiness. She'd left her ring behind, like she left _us_. She'd promised that she wouldn't hurt me, and she'd broken me so badly that almost a decade later I still wasn't healed. How could I possibly put any faith in her promises now?

_Because you love her_. _Because you don't have any other choice_. It almost scared me to know that I was right. If I was going to heal, if we were going to get past this, I _had _to try and trust her. I had to give her the benefit of the doubt. After all, how could Leah win back my trust if I didn't give her the chance? No, I had to do this. Tilting my head back, I sighed deeply. _She won't hurt you, _I tried to reassure myself. _She won't hurt you. All that's over. The only thing causing you pain is the memories. She won't hurt you_. It would have been a lie to say that it worked. I was anything but comfortable with trusting her again – I was leaving myself open in a way that I had sworn to myself I would never do, not after what happened. I was allowing myself to be vulnerable. The kind of vulnerable that up until now, I had only let myself be with Cathy. Because she was the only one who had seen me at my weakest, at my most broken.

She had seen my tears, knew my deepest worries and secrets. Cathy didn't know about wolves or vampires, but she knew about Bella. She knew about my Mom, and how I'd grown up taking care of my Dad after Rachel and Rebecca left. She even knew about my nightmares and the note Leah had left, her broken promises, the fact that I hadn't touched a woman in seven years and how I was more than scared of being hurt again. Cathy knew everything, and I supposed that was why I felt able to let my walls down around her. She had never let me down, not once, never done anything that had caused me any form of pain. It was easy, and it was okay, to be vulnerable with her.

Leah was a completely different story. But I had to try. _She won't hurt you_. If I kept repeating it, maybe it would sink in. Maybe I would start to believe it.

If not...if not, then I just didn't know how this was going to end.

XXXXXXXXXX

The doorbell rang just as I was getting out of the shower. I hurriedly threw on some jeans, wondering who would be stopping by at this time. It wasn't like seven o'clock was late exactly, but it sure felt like it. Sasha was staying over at Sam and Emily's for the night, having spent the day with her Aunt and Uncle and her cousin, Max, which had left me all alone in the house with only my thoughts for company. And being alone and being confused were never a good combination. In the end the plan had been to shower and go to bed unnaturally early. The way I saw it, I could either sit in the living room and over-think, or I could go to bed and over-think. And at least being in bed meant I might catch a few extra hours of sleep before the nightmares started up again.

I pulled my shirt on over my head as I made my way down the stairs, taking them two or three at a time and hoping that whoever it was at the door hadn't left out of impatience yet. I couldn't even think of anyone who would have a reason to drop by. Unless...unless it was Leah. My heart skipped a beat at the thought, and I hesitated for the briefest of seconds on the bottom step. There were only a few reasons why Leah would be here. None of them good. Immediately I shook that thought off, reminding myself of the pep-talk I'd just given myself in the shower. I had to try and trust her.

It turned out that it wasn't even Leah. Running a hand nervously through my hair, I opened the door and was greeted with the always-smiling face of Catherine. "Hey, Jake," she said cheerfully, seeming as bright as ever as her eyes lit up.  
"Hey, Cathy," I replied, feeling the corners of my mouth turn up in a smile. I was pretty sure the relief was plain on my face, and I had to resist the urge to let out a thankful sigh. "For a minute there I thought you were...someone else." My hesitation was obvious, even to my own ears. I hadn't wanted to say her name, to admit out loud that I was – for the lack of a better word – scared of it all. Scared of my own feelings, scared of opening up. Scared of it all falling down around me again. I knew Cathy had picked up on it from the way she was watching my expression carefully, the knowing look in her eyes telling me that she knew exactly who I'd thought she was. But she didn't comment. She only brushed her hair behind her ear, and gave me another more sober, empathetic smile.

Then, for the first time, I noticed how she was dressed. Instead of the usual sneakers she wore what looked like black shoe boots – I definitely had to stop letting Alice and Renesmee drag me along whenever they went shopping for Sasha, which always meant shopping for themselves, too – with tight-fitting black skinny jeans; her jacket hid whatever shirt she wore, but her hair was down for a change, long blonde tresses curling past her shoulders, free from the normal ponytail. Cathy often went without makeup, but tonight her eyes were emphasized and rimmed in mascara and eyeliner, with the smallest hint of smokey black. I'd never seen her look so...I couldn't even think of the word.

My grin returned, a little puzzled as I tried to think of the word, looking her up and down. "You look great," I told her honestly, head cocked to one side. What was the damn word? Cathy's smile grew, eyes looking an even lighter shade of blue because of the makeup.

"Thanks. I'm going out," she explained. There was a different air about her, standing there on my front porch, and it was only now that I realised what it was: excitement. She was excited about something, and it made her seem even happier than usual. I was about to ask her where exactly she was going – because it wasn't like either of us ever really got out – when she continued. "And you're coming with me." Me? What? I couldn't even _remember_ the last time I'd gone out on a Saturday night.

"Oh, well, I...uh..." My surprise must have shown on my face, because Cathy only raised an eyebrow, smile never fading as I struggled to come up with some kind of excuse not to go out. "I kinda can't tonight, I've...uh...got to...um..."

"Over-think yourself into sleeplessness?" Cathy suggested, her expression soft. Caught out, I only half-managed to suppress a sheepish smile and shrugged.

"I don't really go out," I said simply. As always, she had seen right through me. She shook her head, fixing me with that knowing look again.

"Y'know, an hour ago, I was sitting at home all alone...Will's sleeping over his friends house tonight...and I caught myself thinking about going to bed. I'm twenty-four, and do you know what time I normally go to bed on a Saturday night? _Nine_." I couldn't help but notice the way the corner of her mouth turned up in amusement. "Well, just for tonight, I don't want to do that. I want to be a normal twenty-four year old."

I knew exactly what she meant. It was seven o'clock, and I was already thinking about turning in. I didn't even stay up late on the nights that Sasha _was _home. Meanwhile Quil and Paul and Sam and Embry often went out on a Friday or Saturday night – usually it was just to the local bar on the Reservation, but at least it was _somewhere_. It was more than my non-existent social life. "Where were you thinking of going?" I asked cautiously, thinking. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to go out for a couple hours. Do something different. Act my age for once. After all, what else would I do? Lay awake and think too much, the way I always did? End up confusing myself and making my pep-talk pointless? Catherine shrugged, grinning.

"Port Angeles, I suppose. We could go catch a movie, get junk food, go to a bar...anything, really. Jake, after the last couple weeks, you _deserve _a break." There was honesty in her eyes, care in her tone and in her smile. "I know Sasha's with family, because you told me yesterday. And we both know that if you stay home, on your own, you won't get any sleep because you'll be thinking too much and that won't help you at all."

"I don't know, Cathy, I..." She was right, of course. Completely right. Even if I tried _not _to think about it, the past and this situation I was in would find a way to creep into my mind. It always did. Lately all I'd wanted to do was forget; maybe, just for tonight, I'd be able to. I rubbed the back of my neck, still considering it, but obviously I was over-thinking yet again – I'd been staring at the darkening street while trying to decide, but out of the corner of my eye I saw Cathy shake her head again and her hands move to her hips.

"Okay, let's put it this way. Are you going to come willingly, or am I going to have to drag you? Because so help me, I'm going to save you from yourself whether you like it or not."

I couldn't help myself: I grinned at the mental image of comparatively small Catherine trying to use physical force on me, and met her gaze. "Now _there's _something I'd like to see." She rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest, but she was unable to repress a smile.

"Come on. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for me. I'm not exactly eager to walk the dark streets of Port Angeles on my own." I'd been on the verge of caving anyway – because if I was with her then I was almost certain to forget about everything, just for tonight – but that pretty much sealed the deal. Catherine could take care of herself, there was no doubt about that. But Port Angeles at night was very different to what it was like during the day, and if she got into trouble...I didn't want to think about that.

"Okay," I finally agreed, and Cathy brightened instantly. "Just let me grab my jacket."

_I'll wait for you. No matter how long it takes._

The past had been a huge part of my present for so long, that now...now, when I was realising that I had to start trying to let go, it felt so surreal. But I shook it off. I wanted to forget it all, for one night. So five minutes later I locked my front door, determined to leave all my worries and problems right there on the porch, and laughed when Cathy grabbed my arm and pulled, and I didn't even budge.

I still couldn't think of that word.

XXXXXXXXXX

**CPOV**

For the first time in a long time, I felt...different. Like someone other than the young, single mother who'd gotten herself pregnant at seventeen. Like a brand new person. And it felt great.

It hit me when I'd glanced at the clock to find that it was almost six, and had decided that I had nothing better to do than go to bed, that I never did anything exciting anymore. I was so used to having to be responsible and mature and older than my twenty-four years that I'd pretty much forgotten how young I really was. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd gone out, or made an effort, or had fun; sure, I loved spending time with my son and Jacob and Sasha. But I missed...I missed _acting my age_fun. I missed _exciting_ fun. I was looking through my wardrobe for something to wear before I even knew what I was doing. I deserved one night, I'd thought. One night off in the seven years that I'd been a parent seemed reasonable to me.

I'd gone right through my wardrobe and stumbled upon the best pair of shoes I owned, the last thing anyone had ever bought me before everything changed. My 'Pulling Shoes', as my best friend had fondly nicknamed them. Before I dropped out of High School. Before she stopped talking to me. But my shoe size hadn't changed since then, so I decided I might as well wear them. I'd regarded my favourite jeans uncertainly for a minute or so before getting them out; they went perfectly with the shoes, but they were old, too. I hadn't really grown any taller since I was seventeen, already being one of the tallest in my circle of friends, but even though I'd lost the baby weight from Will pretty quickly motherhood had meant more pronounced hips. Wearing them, though, they fitted fine. So I deemed the five minute attempt to get in them worth it. Even if I did almost fall over. Several times.

It didn't take long to pick out a shirt, a little, black, short-sleeved number, with a scoop neck and a corset-style lace-up design running from the middle of the neckline to just under the bust line. The bottom half was made of more stretchy material that hugged my curves, and made the most of my figure. I'd been saving it for any potential parties or occasions, but...I didn't really have that many friends anymore. Just Jacob, and I'd met a couple of his friends pretty briefly a while ago, but they were more like acquaintances. And I got on alright with Helen, Will's friend Ryan's Mom. Everybody else basically thought I was a whore, even though I hadn't exactly been with any guys since...David. At first I'd been too scared, and then men had just stopped showing any interest. Having a seven-year-old son and being only twenty-four doesn't really appeal to anyone not just looking for a one-night thing, and I wasn't that kind of woman.

Even after the effort I'd made to look nice, I knew I wouldn't turn any heads, but I didn't care; it wasn't like I needed any more problems to deal with on top of what I already had to think about. Besides, I was fine just the way I was now. Jacob was my best friend, my shoulder, my confidant. He was the first man I'd ever really grown to trust after what happened, and I didn't need anyone else.

"I can't believe that movie was so _bad_." Jake was laughing, hands in his pockets and a genuine smile on his face as we walked down the street side-by-side. "I mean, I've seen some bad movies, but that just blows my mind."

I couldn't help but laugh along with him, much happier now that he was, too. When Jacob was happy everything just seemed to get brighter, the world simpler, like he brought sunshine and warmth on whatever and whoever was near to him. When Jake was happy he grinned and something in the pit of my stomach fluttered at how genuine it was, how his eyes lit up and the left side of his mouth went up just that tiny bit higher than the right.

Did Leah notice those things? Did she notice the little tuft of hair that always stuck up at an odd angle, or the slightest of indents in his chin, the way the palms of his hands were so, so faintly calloused, but still soft and gentle? Did she know about the minute scar on the pad of his right index finger, and how he'd gotten it from nearly catching his hand in a mechanism at work? It was wrong of me, I knew, to notice and love all his perfect imperfections. It wasn't my place, and it certainly wasn't my job – _Leah _was supposed to be the woman who did all that. The woman who didn't just look at Jacob, but who _saw _him. It wasn't supposed to be me who loved his beautiful blemishes and unique perfections. I wasn't supposed to. But I did. I always had. But had she?

I tried to put it out of my mind for now. I was dwelling on everything again, when I should be trying to relax and enjoy the night out with Jake. Of all people, he deserved some fun the most.

I suppose I'd already made the decision to get Jacob to come with me before I'd even gotten dressed; he'd been so confused and miserable lately, losing his mind over the situation with Leah. I'd hoped that it would get easier for him the more he interacted with her, but no such luck. I knew for a fact that he was getting even less sleep than usual and was finding it hard to cope. Sometimes I was sure that he was pretending to be okay just so that I wouldn't worry, but I knew him too well to fall for that. I could see how this was tormenting him, see it in his eyes and in the way he held himself now, like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. As much as I knew I should hate Leah for what she did to him, for how badly she broke his heart and his spirit, I just...couldn't. I wanted to be able to tell Jacob that time would heal all wounds eventually, that one day he'd fall in love again with another woman, who would treat him right and care for him and love him the way he deserved to be loved. But I _couldn't_.

I instantly shook the thoughts off, reminding myself that tonight we were supposed to forget about everything. Lord knew, the action movie we'd both agreed on had been boring enough to almost make me wish for a way to erase my memory. Almost. It'd still been hilarious, sitting there with Jake in the nearly empty screen, eating bad popcorn and sniggering and pointing out the countless flaws in the plotline. I hadn't laughed that much in a long, long time. I looped my arm through his, smiling contentedly. "Let's make a pact," I began, feeling playful. "If they make a sequel, we have to go see it. Just to see how bad it is." Jacob chuckled, and I snorted at the strangeness of my own suggestion, leaning into him.

"Deal," he agreed. "As long as we don't go to that place again. Their food is almost as bad as their movies."

"Pfft. Way ahead of ya. Too bad we couldn't ask for a refund."

"Yeah, thank God we brought money for _real _food, too." We fell into a comfortable silence, looking for somewhere else to investigate. It was dark now but neither of us felt the need to go home just yet, and Port Angeles had some decent bars. We'd left the car in a little 24-hour parking lot across the street from an assortment of different places, including an all-night diner, several clubs and bars and a hardware store that was closed up for the night – it had only taken us five minutes to walk back, and now we were faced with the choice of where to go next. There were more people around now, and even if it wasn't exactly busy outside, I knew the bars would be crowded this time of night.

"So, which place should we grace with our presence?" I asked, looking around. Wherever we went, it could only be better than the bars and clubs in Forks anyway. Jacob smiled, shrugging.

"I don't mind," he replied. "You pick."

While I tried to choose – we were standing in front of a fairly promising building, with neon lights outside and a bouncer visible just inside the door, but there was a more quiet-looking bar across the street – Jake slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out his cell, checking something. It was then that I heard the loud burst of laughter, coming from down the street. I only glanced at the obviously drunk group of women, who, judging from their outfits, had to be on a hen night, before returning to my decision of quiet bar or crowded club.

A split second later I did a double-take, horror on my face. There was no mistaking the tall, copper-skinned and dark-haired woman in the midst of all the laughter, even with the pink cowboy hat. _Fuck_. I looked to Jacob, who was still preoccupied with his cell, and thanked whatever it was out there that he hadn't seen Leah yet. We were supposed to be _forgetting_, and I knew that if he saw Leah now he'd remember and his smile would vanish and his good mood would be ruined. Everything would come back and he'd be miserable, the way he always was after an encounter with her. I still hadn't forgotten the look on his face when he'd turned up to pick up Sasha after his last talk with Leah. There'd been pain in his eyes and it had made my chest constrict just to see it.

"Let's go in this one!" I declared suddenly, grabbing Jake's arm and dragging him up to the door of the club we stood outside. Thank God he'd been distracted and I'd caught him off guard, because otherwise I knew there would have been no way in Hell that I'd have been able to move him in time.

"Uh, okay?" he agreed, confused, but the bouncer had already let us through and we were inside. I resisted the urge to let out a sigh of relief. _Too close_.

"Thought we should be spontaneous," I offered in explanation, shrugging and surveying the club. Part of me felt bad, knowing that Jacob would have to get used to seeing Leah around sooner or later, but I also knew that seeing her now would ruin his night. And the whole point of this was to forget about everything and, just for tonight, to be _us_. Experience a little bit of the wild side that everyone else was able to live on.

The excited grin he wore on his face told me I'd done the right thing.

XXXXXXXXXX

**JPOV**

We managed to snag a table just as a couple of other people got up to leave. The club was way more crowded than I'd expected, the dance floor packed with people underneath the strobe lights, the music the DJ was blasting so loud that you could feel it reverberating through the floor. Part of me never wanted to leave. "You know that girl over there's checking you out, right?" Cathy told me, having to yell it to be heard over the music. "The one with the miniskirt." I raised an eyebrow, glancing subtly over my shoulder to see what she was talking about. There _was _a girl looking at me from the other end of the room, and I turned back to Catherine with an incredulous expression on my face. Cathy only laughed, finishing her orange juice. "Why the face?" I shook my head, toying with my own empty glass.

"Trust me, if she knew I was a twenty-six year old single father, she wouldn't be looking."

"I won't mention the girls in the bodycon dress and neon shirt, then."

I rolled my eyes, a smile turning up the corner of my mouth, before looking past her to a small group of people a few tables away. "While we're on the subject," I began, returning my attention to Cathy, who was eyeing me curiously. "There's a guy sitting at one of the other tables who's been checking _you _out ever since we came in." The look of surprise on Cathy's face was priceless.

"_No way_," she said in disbelief, her eyebrows shooting up.

"Yes way," I corrected her, looking back to the guy. "He was staring at your ass the whole time you were at the bar." As I spoke the guy caught my eye, and immediately looked away. I couldn't help the slightly smug smile that appeared on my face. Cathy was shaking her head, the smallest of smiles on her lips, and even in the semi-darkness I could've sworn I saw a hint of colouring in her cheeks.

"These always were my favourite jeans for a reason," she said, but I wasn't sure that I'd heard her right over the music as the bass dropped.

"Sorry, what was that?" I double-checked, leaning closer to hear her better. "I don't know if I heard you right."

Cathy simply pointed to her thigh in explanation. "These, my dear Jacob, are my Sexy Jeans." The expression she wore was so innocent that I couldn't help but snort and grin, making her laugh.

"_You_ have Sexy Jeans?" I repeated, the idea strangely cute. Unfortunately, on one of the 'Sasha needs more clothes' shopping trips I'd been dragged along on, I'd had to listen to a whole hour of Alice and Renesmee discussing their 'Sex Jeans' – or 'Tease Jeans', as Alice said she sometimes preferred to call them – with Rosalie chipping in every now and then with examples of how hers had worked on Emmett. Cathy only rolled her eyes at my disbelieving tone.

"Are you kidding? Every girl should have a pair of Sexy Jeans. And this pair's lucky enough to be _Catherine's_ Sexy Jeans. Though this is the first time they've worked since I was seventeen..."

I chuckled before I could stop myself. "Cathy has Sexy Jeans," I mused, tilting my head slightly to one side and considering the thought for a moment. "Am I tripping on something?" She tried to fixed me with a glare, but the effect was ruined by the smile that she couldn't stop from creeping onto her lips.

"You're such an ass," she said, absentmindedly toying with a loosely curling lock of her hair.

"Obviously that guy thinks yours is much better," I shot back playfully, trying not to laugh when I realised that the guy was actually looking at her again. Cathy snorted, reaching into the pocket of her jacket and pulling out a tiny compact mirror.

"Admitting it is the first step," she told me with fake sympathy in her voice, reaching out to pat my hand and nodding. I rolled my eyes, and in the process noticed Ass Guy.

"Ass Guy's still looking. Maybe he wants to talk steps with you," I suggested as she checked her reflection, brushing carefully at her cheek although I couldn't see anything there.

"I'm sure he does," was her confident reply, and she didn't look up. For a moment or so I just watched her, checking her makeup in the mirror.

I'd missed our playful conversations, the jokes and laughter that had been missing these last couple weeks. I was remembering, even though tonight was about forgetting, but...right now, here, it didn't seem so hard. It didn't hurt so much.

I pushed the thought away, smiling, and raised an eyebrow. "And why's that?" I asked, still half-teasing, but more preoccupied with the way she was regarding herself. Cathy continued to brush at blemishes that I couldn't make out, a little smile on her lips that I was starting to think didn't have much to do with our conversation. It was strange to see her looking so different – not that it was a bad thing, because she _did _look great. But it was a far cry from her usual sneakers, jeans and ponytail look. I suppose we were both just so comfortable around one another that we didn't feel the need to look amazing 24/7. Besides, we were both single parents with young children to look after; the kids took priority, so we hardly ever bought nice things for ourselves...even though 'nice things' for me had never meant much more than whatever shirt and pair of jeans I could find. After running round half-naked for the last few years of my teenage life, I was just glad to be able to wear clothes without ruining them within an hour or so.

I felt like I must look pretty bad, seeing as how I'd barely been sleeping, but Catherine looked flawless. Her pale complexion was perfect and there was a hint of a blush still on her cheeks, her makeup neat and in place. It hit me, looking at her, that I'd never really noticed just how pretty she was before. I mean, I'd always known that she was pretty. But for the first time, I was actually acknowledging it; ever since...ever since Leah left...I didn't exactly _see _women anymore. Oh, I noticedthem. But I'd stopped noticing whether or not they were attractive, stopped judging whether they were just Beautiful or plain Sexy.

And Cathy, she could be boyish in so many ways that it was easy to forget she was a woman. I'd told myself that Leah would always be the most attractive girl out there to me, so it was easy to focus on how Cathy liked action films and Xbox and watching basketball instead of on her looks. I'd never really noticed _her _before. Not noticed how well her features were proportioned, or how her nose turned up ever so slightly at the end, or how the cupids bow of her top lip was near perfect, or even how her big blue eyes were rimmed with thick lashes even when she wasn't wearing makeup.

How the Hell had I not noticed?

"Because," Cathy began in answer to the question I'd forgotten I'd asked, snapping her compact shut and slipping it back into her jacket pocket, "believe it or not, I actually _am _a woman. And I can do sexy, with some help from these jeans."

"Is that so?" I twirled my glass round in my hand, watching how her eyelashes brushed her cheeks as she blinked, looking around at the other people surrounding us. "Maybe you should let Ass Guy know that," I told her, and then started laughing at the glare she shot me.

"You never take me seriously," she said with a sad shake of her head and a sigh, leaning forward and propping her face up in her hands. I looked over at Ass Guy again, a grin appearing on my face. He wasn't outright staring like he had been before, but he did keep glancing over at her whilst the other guys he was with laughed amongst themselves. He was definitely interested.

"_You _never take _me _seriously," I replied, hoping that the girls from earlier weren't still looking at me. I really didn't need that right now. I had enough to deal with without random girls asking me for my number.

If I was honest with myself, part of me had wondered in those seven long years if it would just be better, less painful, to move on. Find another woman. Someone Not Leah. Of course, the rest of my broken heart had immediately dismissed that idea as impossible and ridiculous. Leah was my soulmate. I could never love another woman like I loved her. But it was moments like this that made me realise that maybe...maybe that idea _wasn't _so impossible. The guys had been attempting to get me to date for years, but every time they'd tried to set me up with a girl I'd always refused, reminding them of what Leah had asked me, what she meant to me. How I couldn't hurt her like that.

The irony of the situation was almost amusing.

It was a different story now, though. Leah was back, and I was still broken. I was still hurting. I'd set the boundaries with her – for now, we were just friends, or at least as close to that as we could be. The next step was healing. Still loving her was no use if I couldn't even be near her without it hurting. It was no use if I couldn't trust her with that love. But I was working on that. Leah had promised to wait for me, give me the time I needed to get past this. She had promised not to hurt me, and I had to believe that. It was all part of the healing process. Sasha deserved to have the relationship she wanted with her mother; this temporary truce allowed her to have that. And it allowed me to make sure I was ready for the next step.

At the end of it all, when I was no longer broken, I had two choices. I could take Leah back, and we could try again, start afresh. We could be a proper family. Or, if...if, at the end of the process, things were too different...if _I _was too different...then I could move on. I could start dating, when I was ready, and meet someone else...Maybe I could fall in love again, in the future. But I wasn't at that stage yet. I still had to heal, first.

I only realised that I'd stopped forgetting when a small hand suddenly took my own and tugged lightly. I was brought back to Earth with a jolt, coming abruptly out of my daydream to find Cathy standing next to me with a mischievous grin on her face. "Huh, what?" I asked, bewildered. Had I really zoned out that bad? _How long have I been sitting here staring at my glass?_ Cathy rolled her eyes, and tugged again on my hand.

"Come on," she urged me, gesturing with her head to the dancefloor behind her. She was still grinning, her eyes all lit up and twinkling. She looked so...so..._what the Hell is that word?_...that my heart faltered, just for a split second. "I'm taking you seriously." I peered around her, surveying the crowded dancefloor with its blinding flashes of light and pulsing bass.

_Me? Go over there?_

"Forget, Jacob," Cathy continued. "That's what we're here to do, right? No remembering, no caring, and _no thinking_." She looked so excited, so happy, that I knew I couldn't say no. And besides, she was right: I was supposed to have left all my problems on my front porch. I was supposed to be forgetting about Leah, about the past, about the future – I was supposed to be forgetting _everything_. Everything, except right here, right now. I could feel a small smile turning up the corner of my mouth, and Cathy's grin grew even brighter. She took her jacket off and took her phone, keys and whatever cash she had left out, tucking it all into one of the front pockets of her jeans for safekeeping before leaving her jacket on the chair. I followed suit before letting her take my hand and half-pull me towards the crush of people, her enthusiasm making me chuckle.

"I hope you remembered that I can't dance," I told her once we were in the midst of the crowd, having to lean down to murmur it in her ear so that she could hear me over the music. She only waved a hand dismissively, shrugging and smiling.

"Neither can I! But it can't be that hard, right?"

It wasn't, not really. I'd never been one for dancing but it wasn't like anyone else was watching; the people were so close together and most of them were more focused on the music and jumping or grinding or moving to the beat, and not for the first time I wondered how such a small place could have such a strong vibe. The strobes flashed, the bass dropped, the floor throbbed; it was different, so different to the 'stay in and watch TV' nights I was used to. Was this what I'd been missing all these years? Was this what it was really like to be a twenty-something year old?

I'd lost track of the songs by the time I remembered Cathy had a point to prove.

Nobody missed a beat as the music changed, the fast-tempo club music replaced by a slightly slower, hotter song that I couldn't for the life of me remember the name of. Not that it mattered, because I didn't know the words anyway, but Cathy had obviously heard it before. I glanced down at her, finding her still in the same place she'd been God knew how long ago, the other people preventing either of us from really drifting anywhere; her long blonde hair fell in her eyes, the slightest hint of a flush on her cheeks. She was rolling and rocking her hips in time to the beat, though how she did it in those shoes I had no idea, and as I watched she lifted a hand to run it through her hair so it was out of her face.

She caught me looking, and started to laugh at the bemused smile on my face. I made a mental note to take back any judgements against her Sexy Jeans. No wonder Ass Guy had been staring. Her legs looked longer, the material hugging and accentuating her curves. Cathy saw me watching – I told myself it wasn't weird, because it was kinda hard _not _to – and simply grinned, making me smile sheepishly back before I could help myself. Yeah, maybe I'd been a bit prejudiced against the Sexy Jeans. And then she did something that I didn't expect her to do. She moved that tiny bit closer, just enough to minimise the space between us, and playfully brushed her hip against mine. The contact sent a rush of _something_ through me that made my heart skip another beat with the second of friction.

I don't know how it happened, I don't know whether she turned or I moved or the crowd of people just got more dense, but suddenly she was _so close_ and I could feel every move she made and there was a _lot _of that Something heading in all the wrong directions. _Shit_. I swallowed, hard, and tried to remind myself that this was _Cathy_ I was dancing with. Just Catherine. No biggie. I risked a glance down, resisting the urge to let out a sigh of relief when I saw that her eyes were closed. Maybe she didn't even know it was me she was dancing with – being in the midst of so many people was disorienting enough, let alone under flashing lights with the floor reverberating with the refrain of, "_Dancing getting just a little naughty, wanna get dirrty!"_ I knew she wasn't deliberately making my body threaten to react; if she wanted that, she'd have been peering up at me from under her eyelashes or biting her lip, or just full-on pressing up against me and grinding.

But shit, I had to get a grip, because otherwise the result would be embarrassing as Hell. At least, that was what I tried to tell myself. My body was doing its own thing, and before I knew it my hands had wandered down to her hips and I was all of a sudden very aware of just how hot it was in here. Too hot. _Not hot enough_. I shook it off. _Think of something else, man, dead puppies or...or..._It didn't help, not when the beat of the song changed ever so slightly and she turned in my hands. And then she _was _right up against me and my breath caught in my throat as one roll of her hips made her butt more than just brush the front of my jeans. _Oof, right __there__._ In a far corner of my mind something was trying to tell me that this was wrong, that this was my best friend and it _should. Not. Be. Happening_. But the rest of me was telling it to shut up and stay out of it, that I'd been starved of any physical contact with women for too long and that it was just harmless fun, just flirting. Just my hormones having a reunion gig. Not wrong. Just new.

Then it happened again, and I bit my bottom lip hard in the hope that the pain would stop the blood from rushing south, my eyes slipping closed from the contact. I knew it shouldn't feel good, but _Hell_. I'd forgotten what it was like, forgotten how it felt – in seconds it had suddenly become thirty degrees hotter, the air supply limited; my pulse thrummed and thudded in my ears as she turned again and I could feel every inch of her, from those damned hips all the way up to where her breasts grazed my chest, and my mind went completely blank at the sensation and left my body to react however it wanted. My skin burned, my blood burned, my face burned as I distantly hoped she couldn't feel me, though I knew there was no way in Hell that she couldn't. Even my fingertips burned against the material of her jeans. But nothing burned like the fire coiling in the pit of my stomach, the one that made me want her closer though it wasn't even possible, that willed me to drown in the scent of her perfume. The one that made me open my eyes and notice how her hair tumbled over one shoulder and exposed the soft skin of her neck and the light flush of her cheeks and the delicate shell of her ear, made me wonder if that spot would make her shudder or if –

The music changed again abruptly, and the spell was broken. _Fuck_. I froze, wanting to cringe at how uneven my breathing was and the way my body had reacted. What the Hell was I thinking? How could I have even – how could I have been – it was _Cathy_.

She was staring at her hands on my chest in silence, the expression she wore somewhere between bewilderment and shock. Had she been as caught up as I had? Had she only just realised _who_ it was that she...Cathy looked up at me, eyes wide, her cheeks tinged pink with either embarrassment or...something else. God, I hoped she wasn't freaked, it was just...I couldn't help..."I.." I stammered, hurriedly trying to find a way to apologise and make myself not look like a complete perve. "I'm sorry, Cathy, I don't – I don't know what I was...I..." I swallowed, looking at the floor, ready to be slapped or for her to walk away in disgust.

But instead, she did the one thing that I hadn't expected her to do. She chuckled. Just once. Quietly. And then she started laughing. My gaze shot up to her face in surprise, finding her wearing that grin and shaking her head. "Don't apologise, Jake, it's not your fault." My huge sigh of relief only made her laugh again, and I took the opportunity to move my hands from her hips to a more appropriate place on her waist. "But _shit_, I've still got it!"

And just like that, we were Jacob and Cathy again. Any 'reactions' I'd had were gone and I didn't feel like such a jerk, and Cathy was smiling to herself about it all. "I told you I could do sexy," she reminded me, before she said we'd probably done enough dancing for one night and suggested we go sit back down. I agreed instantly and began to follow her back towards the edge of the dancefloor and our table, keeping a firm hold on her hand so that I wouldn't lose her in the crowd. I tried to make myself forget the last five minutes, because it just harmless fun and in years to come we'd both look back on tonight and laugh. The only difference was that Cathy still had it and that I couldn't decide if I was right or wrong to wait for Leah like she'd asked. That was a lie, of course. I'd discovered something else. Not only was Cat _definitely _a woman despite the fact that I'd only just noticed, but she could also do sexy. Very well.

And I'd finally figured out the word.

XXXXXXXXXX

**CPOV**

I felt like a cocktease. What the Hell had I been thinking when I decided to prove Jacob wrong? I hadn't meant for it to go that far, I...I'd only meant to wiggle my hips a bit, nothing more. But it had been so hot and so crowded and the music so loud, and I'd just gotten so into it that I hadn't realised what I was _doing_, hadn't realised that I was dancing with _Jake _until the song stopped. And I felt awful because of how bad _he'd _clearly felt about the way he'd responded – I'd told him not to worry, that he didn't have to apologise, because he _didn't_. _I'd _taken it too far and it wasn't his fault that his body had reacted in the natural way. I should've known that we'd get carried away, that it would be easy for us to get caught up in it, because neither of had been with anyone in years for various reasons and Lord knew, I was already attracted to him and I _should have known_.

No wonder everyone thought I was a whore.

I'd covered it up by pretending to be fine about it all, just pleased that I still had it in me to turn someone on; it had worked, thank God. We'd been back to normal right away, already joking about it by the time we'd gotten back to our table to retrieve our jackets. The breeze outside had served as the equivalent of a cold shower, and it was then that I'd really started to realise just how stupid I'd been. We'd continued on down the street, arms linked and chatting away like nothing had ever happened. It was late and we'd both agreed that we were pretty tired, so at Jake's suggestion to grab a bite to eat before going home, we'd taken up a booth at the otherwise-empty all-night diner.

Just Jacob and Cathy.

I kept telling myself that I shouldn't beat myself up about it; I hadn't intended for it to go so far, and besides, it was harmless. We were best friends, both single, and hadn't seen any action in way too long. There was nothing wrong with a little flirting. _Because that really __does__ qualify as 'a little flirting'. _But Jacob seemed fine, like he'd forgotten the whole thing already, so I tried to do the same. _It doesn't matter_, I told myself. _It was just hormones. Nothing more. _I couldn't help the niggle of hurt that that thought sent through my chest. I knew Jacob loved Leah. I knew he wasn't mine, and that my place was as his best friend, not his lover. I knew that. I accepted that. But I was only human. There was a part of me that wished things were different, that maybe always would. But it was my _job _to ignore that. It was my job to be his confidant, to be there for him, to listen and help him and do whatever I could. I just wanted him to be happy.

It was past midnight by the time we'd finished eating, and we agreed that it was about time we made a move to get home. We'd joked about the days when we had to be back by ten, on the dot, or else we'd be grounded for the rest of our lives – I'd left Jacob to use the diner's bathroom while I went to go wait for him in the car.

I was making my way down the sidewalk in the direction of the parking lot, checking for any oncoming traffic and going to cross the street, when a high-pitched giggle sounded from down the little alleyway that I'd just passed. It almost made me jump but I brushed it off, thinking nothing of it. God knew what people got up to down there when they stumbled out of the bar next door in the middle of the night. The girl laughed again, just as I was about to step foot in the road, and it was then that it caught my attention. It sounded too familiar. _It can't be..._For a moment, I hesitated. I was just being paranoid, I tried to reassure myself. Lots of people had similar laughs. Besides, did I _really _want to witness drunk club goers getting it on down a dark alleyway just to set my mind at ease? I scrunched my nose up at the thought, but..._It can't be...can it?_

I remembered the chorus of giggles, how they'd all been practically stumbling along as it was, and knew I had to check. I'd recognised Jacob's sister, Rachel – who I'd met briefly a while back – in amongst the group, and what if it was her? I knew she was married, that she and her husband had a little boy; what if some guy had gotten her drunk and lured her out here?

I felt like a complete perve, but the laughter rang out again and I doubled back, making up my mind to just glance, just once, to be sure.

I reached the edge of the alleyway, armed crossed over my chest because of how chilly it had become since leaving the club, and took a deep breath before peering round the corner. At first I almost sighed with relief: it definitely wasn't Rachel, the girl was too tall, and I mentally berated myself for worrying. _There – question answered, it's just some random girl. Now go sit in the car and wait for Jacob so you can go home and sleep._ The couple hadn't even noticed that I was there, being otherwise preoccupied. So I turned, rolling my eyes and shaking my head as I made to leave. _They'll be regretting __that __in the morning._

It was then that I registered the pink.

My head snapped back round so fast that I was surprised I didn't pull something, my eyes widening. The girl wore a pink t-shirt, jeans and heels. And there was a pink cowboy hat lying discarded on the floor just centimetres from my feet. It wasn't Rachel, and it definitely wasn't just some random. It was _Leah_. The giggle echoed in my mind – I'd thought I was just being paranoid...Leah's long, midnight black tresses hung loose past her shoulders, but looked like she – or, and I wanted to shudder at the thought, someone else – had run their hands through it multiple times and she hadn't bothered to fix it. I focused more intently and saw that some of her eye makeup was smeared, staining her copper skin, and in the limited light from the streetlights on the sidewalk I could make out grazes on her arms, which I could only guess were either from falling over or the brick wall that she was pressed up against.

Some guy was shoving his tongue down her throat, roughly grabbing at her like he had every right to. And worst of all, Leah wasn't stopping him. She had her arms around his neck, fingers tangled in his hair, and one of her legs was hooked with his to keep him up against her; she only giggled again when he squeezed her butt before running his hands up under her shirt. I felt sick just watching it. Leah was drunk, drunk enough to be _enjoying _getting groped by some stranger down a dark alleyway. My heart skipped a beat when I remembered that Jacob was literally just down the street. A couple minutes more and he'd walk right past this alleyway and..."_Leah_?" I called, loud enough for them to hear. "Leah, what are you _doing_?" I forced myself to move, stepping off the sidewalk into the alley and heading towards them. The guy had moved his mouth to her neck now, the way he was touching her making my skin crawl.

"Something wrong, sweetheart?" I almost jumped for the second time, spinning to face the direction of the voice. For the first time I noticed the second man hidden in the shadows, sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall with a cigarette in his hand. His words were slurred, and he was obviously wasted, but his presence suddenly made me a very different kind of uncomfortable. He was twice my size. I was all alone.

"Get off her!" I chose to ignore the second man and instead directed my attention to the guy groping Leah, trying to sound as confident as I could.

"_Fuck. Off._" He returned his mouth to Leah's, biting her bottom lip and pressing harder against her, and the quiet moan she emitted only seemed to encourage him. His hands began to slide even further up her shirt, and my disgust outweighed my fear. I grabbed Leah's arm and pulled, and thankfully that got her attention.

"Leah, for God's sake, _it's me_, it's Catherine!" For a moment, she only stared at me in bewilderment. And in that moment, I saw the clarity with which she looked at me, the way her vision didn't seem foggy or blurred. It hit me like a sucker punch to the stomach: I'd thought she was out of it, but she wasn't even close. _How could she do that to him?_

"Catherine?" Leah repeated, confused. Then her eyes widened, and I saw reality hit her as the recognition dawned on her face. "_Catherine._" I didn't know whether to be shocked or angry, horrified at what I'd just caught her doing. Maybe she _was _drunk, but if she was sober enough to recognise me, then _how _had she let herself end up out here?

I saw Jacob's face, that evening he came to pick Sasha up. I saw his face the day after Leah called, saw all the tears, the self-blame, the heartbreak, the destroyed self-confidence – and then I saw Leah, getting drunk and fast approaching all different kinds of bases with strange men down dark alleyways, after swearing to the man she'd broken that she would _wait_. That she _wouldn't _hurt him anymore. And suddenly all my sympathy for her was gone. "What kind of game are you _playing_?" I demanded of her, pointing to the guy who was still feeling her up. "What about _Jacob_? You think this is what he meant by 'time'? How could you – "

"_Jacob_?" Leah had fixed me with her full attention now, and as the horror slowly appeared on her face my anger only grew.

"Yeah, Leah, _Jacob_. You know, the man you destroyed? The father of your daughter?" In all the years that he'd been waiting for her, Jacob hadn't so much as touched another woman. No kissing, no touching, and definitely not _this_. And Leah had been 'officially' waiting for Jacob for two, three days, and she was_ already_ at it with some guy whose name she probably didn't even know. "You _promised _him, Leah, you promised you wouldn't hurt – "

Leah abruptly turned back to the man, pushing against his chest and prising him off her. "I'm sorry, I can't – oh, God, what was I _thinking_?" The man simply stood there, surprise and hurt on his face. Leah meanwhile stumbled towards me, and now there were tears welling in her eyes. "Catherine, I can explain – "

"I don't want to hear it," I told her, grabbing her elbow and pulling her back towards the entrance of the alleyway. "Go call yourself a cab and go home. And you better hope Jake doesn't find out about this, it would _kill _him – "

It was then that a rough hand grabbed my arm, turning me round sharply. "And what the fuck do you think _you're _doing?" growled the guy, towering over me with his dejected look now gone.

"Leaving," I snapped, my anger fuelling my confidence. I didn't have time for this shit. I had to get back to the car. I expected the guy to growl again, get more pissed, only he didn't; instead he smirked, and the look in his eyes as he looked me up and down made me almost shudder in disgust.

"Aren't you a feisty one," he replied, and before I could blink my back was up against the hard brick wall of the alley, and that was when the first flickers of fear sprang up in my heart. "It's _hot_." He was still staring at my body, his eyes lingering on my chest long enough to make me feel sick. My heart hammered in my chest, adrenaline pulsing through my veins: I knew that look in his eyes, I knew it and it terrified me. _Too familiar, too familiar_ –

"_Where do you think you're going?"_

"_Nowhere, nowhere, I promise – "_

– I made to smack him across the face with my right hand, but he was too fast – he caught my wrist and pinned it against the wall, doing the same with my other arm when I tried to hit him a second time.

"_Let go, you're hurting me – "_

"_I'll do whatever I want, woman – "_

It hit me, then, that I couldn't hear or see Leah. I was alone, down this dark alley with two drunk men, and I could hear my blood pounding in my ears as he breathed alcohol and cigarettes over my face, and I tried to pull myself free, but his grip was too tight, tight enough to bruise –

_It was all my fault, all my fault because I was weak, I wasn't strong enough, I should have left when I still had the chance, and now it was too late – _

– and I couldn't move and he was pressing up against my body, and then the fear started to turn into terror.

And then he let go. He let go and stumbled back, clutching his face, and I barely had time to blink before a strong arm had encircled my waist and pulled me back, away from the wall and away from him. "_I suggest you run while you still can_." I knew that voice, I knew that woodsy scent –

"_Jake_?" It was him, definitely him, but I'd never seen him like this – his voice was low and dangerous, his eyes dark and he was drawn up to his full height, shaking with rage. If I hadn't known him, I would have been terrified. But still I clung to the arm wrapped around my waist, fighting tears of relief, my heart pounding in my ears from the fear. _Too familiar._

The man regained his footing, cursing profusely, and disappeared as fast as he could into the dark. The other man was already gone.

I took a deep breath, holding it in to try and calm myself. It was all over. Jake was here. "Leah," I breathed as I remembered, my voice shaky. "Is she okay?"

"She's fine," he replied quietly. "Emily and Rachel came outside looking for her. She's with them." He'd stopped shaking, but his voice was almost toneless as he spoke. Tight, like he was trying to control himself. Like he was trying to be calm. I took another deep breath, holding it in for a few moments before letting it out slowly. _Breathe. _I was okay. My wrist hurt and there'd be a lovely bruise there tomorrow, and the door blocking out my memories had threatened to come off its hinges, but I was okay. And, more importantly, _Leah_ was okay.

But what if Jake hadn't showed up? What if he'd crossed the street outside the diner instead? What if I'd kept on walking? What if there'd been more guys? What if –

"Cathy?" I hadn't noticed Jacob turning me, gently placing his hands on my shoulders to look me up and down. I looked up and met his searching gaze, noting that he'd relaxed. He was much calmer now, concern in his voice. "Are you alright? Are you hurt?" I swallowed, taking a third breath now that my heart had started to hammer again.

"I'm alright," I answered in a whisper, reaching up to run a hand through my hair. "I'll be fine." His deep chocolate eyes continued to watch me for a few moments longer, and I knew he didn't believe me. Hell, I didn't believe myself. It wasn't even so much what had just happened that had me shook up. It was the combination of adrenaline, what ifs and bad, bad memories that it had caused that was stopping the fear from leaving me. But then Jake nodded, just once, accepting my assurances.

"Come on," he murmured, letting go of my shoulders and wrapping an arm around my waist again when he noticed me instinctively move closer – because Jake meant the present and I was being taunted by the past. Because memories made me vulnerable and Jacob made me safe. "Let's get back to the car."

He walked me out of the alleyway, pausing to mutter what sounded like, "Get her home, Rach," and the rest of the short journey back to the parking lot passed in a blur. I was too busy wondering if Will had had fun at his friends, if he was still looking forward to going to the movies with them tomorrow, what I should cook for dinner, if I had much ironing left to do before Monday; I was deliberately crowding my brain with anything and everything, keeping my mind on the present until I'd calmed down enough to know that the past didn't matter anymore.

We didn't leave right away. For a few minutes we just sat in the car in silence. The adrenaline was fading, taking the fear with it, and I was beginning to feel a lot calmer. _The past is the past, Cathy, _I told myself firmly. _It needs to stay there._ Quietly, I let out the breath I'd been holding. There were more important things to think about right now. Like Jacob, and the pained, confused look on his face that told me exactly what he was thinking about.

"You saw." It came out as more of a statement than a question. I didn't need to ask. I already knew. Jake was looking straight ahead, eyes seeing something that only he could see. He seemed so far away at first I didn't think he'd even heard me. But then he bit his bottom lip, sighing and slumping back in his seat.

"Yeah," he murmured, rubbing his face tiredly. "I saw. I was across the street, walking back here, and I thought I heard someone shouting so I looked over and..." His eyes flickered to mine, and the mixture of hurt and resignation I saw there made my chest ache. "I saw him and her, and it was so much like one of my nightmares, Cathy, so much like the dream where I see her with all those other men because I wasn't enough – " He looked away, out at the otherwise deserted parking lot, swallowing. I watched his Adams apple bob in his throat and I wished I could rewind time, rewind until I was getting ready and change my mind. I shouldn't have brought Jacob with me. I shouldn't have made him come. "I just froze up," he continued, still murmuring, still looking away. "I just couldn't move because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. And then...then he touched you, and something in me just snapped..." Jacob trailed off, and I hated the world for making tonight end this way. I hated myself for being so stupidly persistent and for thinking that going out would be such a good idea. I hated myself for not being strong enough to rescue Leah without getting myself into trouble.

"I'm sorry, Jake," I whispered, sighing and rubbing my forehead with my fingertips, left hand curling into a fist on my thigh in frustration. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have been so damn stubborn about making you come out – " A large, gentle hand covering my own made me look up, and I cursed the way my heart skipped a beat when I met his gaze, how I wished I could turn my hand up and lace my fingers through his.

"No, Cathy," he said, firmly but gently. "It's anything but your fault. How could you have known she would be here, tonight? How could you have known that she would end up there?" His faith in me made the guilt start to seep into my heart. I _had _known she was here. I'd forgotten, after what had happened in the club, but I'd _known_.

"I knew she was in Port Angeles," I confessed, voice barely more than a breath. I was scared of how he'd react, that he'd think I was conniving, that the honesty in his eyes would turn to distrust. But I couldn't lie to him. I never had, not technically, and I never would. "I saw her with the others when we were outside the club. That's why I pulled you inside, because I knew that if you saw her you'd remember and you looked like you were actually happy for the first time in weeks and I – " I swallowed, still meeting his gaze evenly. The look in his eyes hadn't changed, but there was more to tell. "When we were in the alleyway, I just couldn't stop thinking about how much she's hurt you, how she makes promises to give you all these things and always breaks them – I was so angry but I knew that if you knew it would hurt you, so I told her to call a cab and go home and hope you didn't find out, because you don't deserve to be hurt again, and..." I trailed off, running out of words. He was still watching me, his expression unreadable, and I expected at any moment for him to let go of my hand and look away and just tell me to start the car.

He didn't let go.

Instead, he gave my hand a soft squeeze of what could only have been reassurance, and spoke. "You were looking out for me, Cathy, like you always do. Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm not mad...I would have done the same thing if it was me. And you still couldn't have known that Leah would end up down that alleyway. She owes you. You saved her." The relief must have been evident on my face, but at the time I didn't care.

"Yeah, and ended up getting saved myself," I murmured in reply, my gaze drifting to his hand on my own. He must have hit that guy pretty hard – there'd been blood seeping out from between his fingertips where he'd been clutching his nose, and Jacob's knuckles looked like they were starting to bruise. Gently, I reached out with the hand that wasn't beneath his and took his injured hand in my own, my left hand uncurling so that I could hold the heel of his hand in my palm. With my right hand I supported his fingertips, careful not to move him too much in case it hurt. In the dim glow of the streetlights I could make out the redness of his knuckles, and it even looked like they might already be swelling. For all I knew he'd hit the second guy as well, and judging from the tiny cuts that had obviously only just stopped bleeding, I was willing to bet that he had. I'd been too caught up trying to struggle to notice if the second guy was moving in or not.

It would be too much, I knew, to brush my lips over the little grazes the way I wanted to. Murmur my gratefulness against his skin and kiss the bruises away. Too much, though my heart ached even more with the knowledge.

We were best friends, and there were lines that, no matter how faded, could not be crossed.

So I settled for ever so softly running the pads of my fingers over the wounds, barely touching his skin so as not to hurt him. "Thank you, Jacob," I whispered, quietly. "For saving me." _The way you always do_. For a second I thought I heard his breath catch, and I knew I was being too open. "You need to get something cold on your hand," I continued, clearing my throat and quitting the whispering. I gently let go, and he pulled his hand back to rest it on his thigh as I offered him a small smile. "Before it swells." He returned my smile, and even though it was small, it was genuine. He looked back out of the windscreen again, shaking his head.

"What a piss-poor way to end the night, huh?"

* * *

**I just read it all through for mistakes, and it took me over an hour :L If there's any that I've missed, I'll be double-checking tomorrow (or...in about six hours?) when I'm more awake. But woah, a lot went down in Port Angeles! Let me know what you thought in a review - I love to hear your opinions, and it makes it all worth it to know that you guys enjoy it :) What's Leah playing at? Will Jacob manage to heal, or will this knock him back? Catherine: innocently in love or not as nice as she seems? More angst, drama, tears and smiles yet to come! 'Til next time! xx**


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